Baby Jesus and me were watching TV when he pulled his little perfect penis out and streamed a nice arch of piss right onto the screen
"it's rainin' on the desperate housewives!" he cackled.
I just shook my head cause sometimes baby Jesus was really juvenile.
He flipped the channel and there was Dick Cheney. Dick always got baby Jesus' diaper in a bunch and so I knew the torrent of invective was coming. "Motherfucker!"
His pacifier bounced off the piss covered TV after he hurled it. "I can't believe I created a world that let's this guy hang around for 70 years. I should have let some dinosaurs live long enough to eat this fucker."
"I thought you loved dick?" I deadpanned.
Baby Jesus hit me with an empty Pringles can. "Don't get cute with the gay jokes fucker. This Dick really burns my perfect little balls. Motherfucker never served a day and acts like a tough guy? Didn't shoot one VC, but shoots some old fucker in the face? That makes you hard you old cock?"
"Maybe he's a Shakespeare fan...first we kill all the lawyers and that crap."
Baby Jesus put on a fresh diaper. "Just seeing that guy makes me feel dirty. I bet when he read 1984 he wasn't sure who to root for. Then he probably thought, 'This O'Brien guy has a sweet gig. He's in control. Probably eats well. Maybe Winston Smith should stop fucking whining and deal with it.' Society is real nice if you're on the right side, even if the other 99% are fucked."
I started looking for more Pringles as Baby Jesus threw his origami zeppelin at the screen. "Go catch Osama already you old asshole! Mothefucker takes how many vacations in 7 years after that attack? Shit if that happened on my watch I wouldn't have rested a day! Not one fucking day! I would have worked tirelessly to bring Osama to justice, and not gone off huntin' and fishin' and dickin' around in jerkwaters like Wyoming and Texas."
I tossed a full bag of Doritos and hit Baby Jesus flush on his head. "Bullseye! Hey wait a minute...didn't this happen on your watch? You did create this whole world and everything in it didn't you? Or your dad did, who you are, or whatever."
"Motherfucker I made little bitty insects and rainbows and sea horses and shit...you think I got the time or the inclination to keep tabs on everything I created?"
"Well if I was perfect I would have done a better job is all I'm sayin."
Baby Jesus popped open the Doritos and gave me the finger. Pudgy little finger! "Shut the fuck up. Family Ties is on ...you want to see perfection come check out the Tom Hanks is wasted episode."
"That's kind of a perfect episode."
Baby Jesus nodded and held out his little Doritos dust covered fist for a friendly bump.
