Baby Jesus and me were watchin' tv and a shampoo commercial came on, and that got me to thinking about what a fuckin show off Jesus was.
So I says to little baby Jesus, "You dandy motherfucker. What's with that beautiful head of hair you used to run around with? Think of how jealous the stable cleaners and chariot repairmen must have been. 'Son of god and great hair...son of a bitch...my life sucks.'"
Baby Jesus hit me flush in the face with a pudgy fistful of Cheetos.
"Ohh typical response baby Jesus. Your shit is so weak. Miracle man my ass."
He shook his adorable baby head. "Listen homeslice. You're lucky my show's in commercial right now or I'd get miraculous all over your ass, and not in the good way."
I shot him with my Nerf gun. "Whatever Jesus. I've been reading about your miracles. Weak ass bullshit. You raised Lazarus from the dead. Big fucking deal! What, no one else died that week? You raise one dude and that's that?"
Baby Jesus dipped a Cheeto into guacamole. "Whoa man...that was a crazy time. I had some shit going on with Satan or something. And my dad was on my ass about some heavy shit."
I didn't buy it. Human Target came back on and we both got distracted by the tits on the screen. I was jolted back to baby jesus and his punk ass bullshit when he farted. "Satan, your dad...always passing the buck baby jesus...which one of them you gonna blame for that fart?"
He pulled on his diaper and cut another one. "I always take credit for my farts brosuf."
I fired a Nerf dart right off his adorable head. "How bout that other big "miracle" of yours. Turnin' water into wine was it? Big fucking deal! Jesus Christ baby Jesus what a fucking waste of time. So you can raise the dead, part seas, make tits bigger whatever...you're fucking Jesus, but you waste your miraculous powers one night saving a party? Was it Mary Magdelane's sweet sixteen or some shit?"
He bit his little baby lip. "Ooo you want to talk about miracles...that broad had a tight ass vag even though she was a prostitute."
I scoffed. "How the fuck would you know baby Jesus? And don't change the subject. You're the son of god and your using your powers to stretch some bread and wine and shit at a shindig? Weak."
"Easy chief. The longer that party lasted the better chances some of those nerdier Galileans had of getting laid. You don't know how my mind works."
I cut baby Jesus some slack after that.
