Hard to Kill is Fraudulent

I stumbled in on baby jesus watchin tv with a needle stickin out of his arm. "Whoa Baby Jesus! Are you diabetic?"

He burped and turned up the volume. "Fuck no man, I'm givin heroin a try, cause I need something to ease the pain of watching Hard to Kill, easily the retardedest of the Seagal movies."

I wondered what was more ridiculous, Baby Jesus shooting heroin or him using a word like retardedest, which I was pretty sure was a made up word.

"I can't believe you do heroin."

He cut me off..."Don't start fuckhead. I created everything on this planet. The Grand Canyon, the Grand Caymans, cancer. So cut me some slack if I like to relax sometimes with a little H."

"Is retardedest a word?"

"You epitomize retardedest. But check this shit out, Seagal is watching corrupt scum Bill Sadler on tv uttering his catch phrase, "you can take that to the bank", and he says to himself, the man is talking to himself!, "I'll take you to the bank...the blood bank." He's alone in the room but such is his hatred he says that aloud! So I'm thinking we are going to see a premium ass kicking and blood letting later, but instead he let's him get arrested!"

"I would have thought you would have approved of him eschewing vigilante violence and entrusting the court system."

Baby Jesus stabbed me with his needle, which I didn't find very Christian. "Ow! Baby Jesus."

"The court system? Do I turn to Steven Fucking Seagal to see due process in action? Get the fuck outta here man. I want immediate justice, like my daddy used to do in the old testament. You disobey him you die, or maybe he kills your firstborn son and let's you slide, but none of this court bullshit."

I pulled the needle from my thigh. "You may have a point Baby Jesus."

"Of course I gotta fucking point I'm goddamn Jesus you asshole. You know what being perfect means? It means you don't make any fucking mistakes and you know everything."

He hit me in the face with a fistful of Cheetos. "Let me tell you what happens to Sadler since Seagal turned puss and didn't take him to the blood bank. He gets his high powered fancy pants attorneys and criminal connections to subvert the process, bribe a juror here, cop a plea there, drag it out and the next thing you know he's doing two years max at a Club Fed. Then he walks, his cash still sittin pretty in Switzerland and a bevy of gold diggin whores waiting for him in his still bubbling hot tub. Does that sound like a blood bank to you?"

"Sounds pretty sweet Baby J."

"Exactly. And what do you think happens to Storm? Marries that bumbling swine LeBrock, divorced within 3 years, in California so she takes half his shit...all that cool Asian shit he's accumulated too, and his inflated pension. He takes up the booze just in time, cause that fey son of his rejects his entreaties to become an Aikido master and instead studies dance at UCLA before prancing right out of the closet. He starts to envy his dead partner as he sits alone and drunk, bloated and consumed with regret, beer stains all over his kimono."

"Lesson learned Jesus. You get the chance for vigilante justice you take it."

Baby Jesus extended his cute little pudgy fist for his patented bump. "You got it brother. And don't marry dopey broads."

Michelle Malkin Super Genius

So I'm watching the View...cause those dames got cinema quality moxie and nothing goes better with my morning Yoplait than a steady diet of sense with a heaping portion of sassy on the side!

Michelle Malkin, this century's Jane Pratt, was on, talking about Obama not delivering his hope and change as promised, and it got me to thinking about LEADERSHIP.

The View always gets me asking questions each and every day and I turn to film for the answers.

Where is the audacity of hope and the sexiness of change Obama promised? How can we get away from the stale old cronyism of this and administrations past? By embracing a new type of leader, as exemplified by David Patrick Kelly in the Warriors.

There were a lot of different examples of leadership in, dare I say it, the best movie ever made that starts with W. Who should we take as our exemplar? Which man exhibited the qualities that we should look for in a leader, who will lead us to glory, or at least make us fend off the Canadian menace.

Some will point to Swann...but pretty boys make horrendous leaders, cause how can they deal with the myriad of problemos our nation faces if they spend all day gazing in the mirror? Right George Bush?? We sure don't need intellectuals if office neither. If only Georgie wasn't such a voracious reader! Those bookniks need to quit with their heavy thinkin and do some heavy liftin! Lol.

Where was I?

Creon...he was imposing, he exuded strength...he died in the first 5 minutes. No thanks.

Ajax! There was a man of action. He got results. But testosterone fueled he-men have the fatal flaw...their fervent ball sacs. Handcuffed to a bench by a dame! Is that the future we want for this land of ours? If we had elected John McCain, Costa Rica, with her flowing lock like shore lines and comely buxom hills would have beguiled us and then handcuffed us to the bench that is Central American strife and discord, and it would be only a matter of time before we were waiting to be processed by the Nicaraguan police.

Therefore I suggest we elect a true psychopath. Without David Patrick Kelley's psychotic act of shooting Cyrus and blaming the Warriors, we probably would have witnessed a simple mass gang meeting, and then a gradual dispersal to the subways and an uneventful train ride home. Would that have made for a good movie?

DPK wasn't physically imposing, in fact he was kind of small. He certainly didn't look very strong, and not only was he not handsome, he looked a little like a greasy weasel, and I just know we all cheered when Matrix through him off that mountain in Commando. "I lied." Haha...go get 'em Matrix!

But DPK had something that made people follow him! He had a charisma and vision that caused the whole city to explode in an orgy of fancy costumed violence. Do you think the Lizzies would have embraced female empowerment had DPK not set the wheel in motion? Would Deborah Van Valkenburgh have left the Orphans for the glamorous life of walking through subway tunnels without his bold act of leadership? Would the Orphans have finally asserted themselves?

Of course not. And when DPK was asked, "Why did you do it? Why did you kill Cyrus?", he gave us the secret to his power. "No reason. I just like doing things like that."

Do you wonder if his gang members were thinking, "What the fuck? You mean there is no financial gain to this? What kind of plan is that? Why are we following this guy?? Who made this insane little runt leader?"

Hell no. The man paid for the candy bar when the girl at the newsstand asked, "Who's gonna pay for this?"

DPK exploded on her. "For what???" He yelled. But then he tossed her money. Leadership.

In summation...we need psychotic men with deep pockets...and guns. He had a gun too. Those are persuasive! When are those bureaucrats going to get the message? Less chit chat more shooting!