Hard to Kill is Fraudulent

I stumbled in on baby jesus watchin tv with a needle stickin out of his arm. "Whoa Baby Jesus! Are you diabetic?"

He burped and turned up the volume. "Fuck no man, I'm givin heroin a try, cause I need something to ease the pain of watching Hard to Kill, easily the retardedest of the Seagal movies."

I wondered what was more ridiculous, Baby Jesus shooting heroin or him using a word like retardedest, which I was pretty sure was a made up word.

"I can't believe you do heroin."

He cut me off..."Don't start fuckhead. I created everything on this planet. The Grand Canyon, the Grand Caymans, cancer. So cut me some slack if I like to relax sometimes with a little H."

"Is retardedest a word?"

"You epitomize retardedest. But check this shit out, Seagal is watching corrupt scum Bill Sadler on tv uttering his catch phrase, "you can take that to the bank", and he says to himself, the man is talking to himself!, "I'll take you to the bank...the blood bank." He's alone in the room but such is his hatred he says that aloud! So I'm thinking we are going to see a premium ass kicking and blood letting later, but instead he let's him get arrested!"

"I would have thought you would have approved of him eschewing vigilante violence and entrusting the court system."

Baby Jesus stabbed me with his needle, which I didn't find very Christian. "Ow! Baby Jesus."

"The court system? Do I turn to Steven Fucking Seagal to see due process in action? Get the fuck outta here man. I want immediate justice, like my daddy used to do in the old testament. You disobey him you die, or maybe he kills your firstborn son and let's you slide, but none of this court bullshit."

I pulled the needle from my thigh. "You may have a point Baby Jesus."

"Of course I gotta fucking point I'm goddamn Jesus you asshole. You know what being perfect means? It means you don't make any fucking mistakes and you know everything."

He hit me in the face with a fistful of Cheetos. "Let me tell you what happens to Sadler since Seagal turned puss and didn't take him to the blood bank. He gets his high powered fancy pants attorneys and criminal connections to subvert the process, bribe a juror here, cop a plea there, drag it out and the next thing you know he's doing two years max at a Club Fed. Then he walks, his cash still sittin pretty in Switzerland and a bevy of gold diggin whores waiting for him in his still bubbling hot tub. Does that sound like a blood bank to you?"

"Sounds pretty sweet Baby J."

"Exactly. And what do you think happens to Storm? Marries that bumbling swine LeBrock, divorced within 3 years, in California so she takes half his shit...all that cool Asian shit he's accumulated too, and his inflated pension. He takes up the booze just in time, cause that fey son of his rejects his entreaties to become an Aikido master and instead studies dance at UCLA before prancing right out of the closet. He starts to envy his dead partner as he sits alone and drunk, bloated and consumed with regret, beer stains all over his kimono."

"Lesson learned Jesus. You get the chance for vigilante justice you take it."

Baby Jesus extended his cute little pudgy fist for his patented bump. "You got it brother. And don't marry dopey broads."