Will Tyra Banks ever embrace soccer? Of course not. And as Tyra goes America goes, at least when it comes to that pathetic excuse for a sport that largely consists of whiners and pussies flopping around a wasted patch of perfectly good grass. If only the idiots that inhabit large parts of this country would follow her lead when it comes to Nascar, a grotesque collection of fuel wasting rednecks and morons, whom Tyra longs to destroy. At least I hope she does, and in my fevered dreams she is a giant along the lines of Godzilla, smashing race tracks underfoot and blocking the sun with her massive boobs so the cars all crash in the darkness and the sport withers and dies.
Recently I had the opportunity to interview Miss Tyra Banks, America's sweetheart, and was thrilled to hear her thoughts on Schopenhauer, lemonade and soccer.
"So Miss Tyra Banks, my sources tell me you hate soccer."
"Of course I do. Bunch of skinny pussies flopping around. The game is so boring the fans have to entertain themselves by singing gay ass songs all game."
"What about Nascar?"
"I was kind of proud of America for rejecting soccer. I thought, maybe the idiots who make up the bulk of this country's population aren't so stupid after all? Then someone showed me a Nascar race...I think it was Jay Alexander. I thought it was a Japanese jokey game show or something. These idiots just drive around for three hours? What a waste of gas! Are there any rubber trees in Burma left? Cause those races must burn through an awful lot of rubber. Stupid bunch of fucking rednecks."
"Wow...you got some mouth on you Miss Tyra Banks. How bout baseball and apple pie?"
"I don't want to offend Oprah, cause she's my girl, but those Cub fans are a bunch of namby pamby douchebags. Lovable losers? There ain't no such thing in Tyra's world. Losers are to be condemned, ignored, or crushed. Or maybe all three...just like all the rejects on top model."
"Why do you fucking hate the goddamn Cubs fans so much?"
"I like the way you ask a question. Fierce. I've hated them since they adopted a "curse". Almost like they were jealous of the Red Sox being as big a bunch of losers as they were. Like they wanted to be the best at sucking. The Red Sox win the World Series in 1918, sell Babe Ruth, the greatest player ever, to the NEW YORK Yankees of all teams, who go on to be the greatest franchise in the history of sports. The Red Sox suffer from the curse of the Bambino. That's a good curse."
"And the Cubs?"
"They win the series in 1908. In 1945 they're in the Series again, and some Cubs fan tries to bring his pet goat to the game. The usher says, "Get the fuck outta here asshole! You can't bring your fucking goat into the stadium." Dude curses the Cubs! Huh?? Does that make any fucking sense?"
"Not to me Miss Tyra Banks."
"Of course not. Why would a Cubs fan curse his own team? Cause of the goat? Was the usher supposed to let the goat in? So he could shit all over the place and trample a child or something? How does that lead to a curse? If I try to bring my pet python Nigel to a Knicks game, and Garden security says I can't, do I curse the Knicks?"
"No way Miss Tyra Banks, you're too classy for that."
"That's right. And another thing...that goat bullshit was in 1945...they hadn't won since 1908...but the curse started in 45'...what the fuck was the problem for the 40 or so years between their last world series win and the goat thing? What kind of curse starts 40 years into a losing streak??"
"A bullshit made up curse Miss Tyra Banks."
"Exactly. You know what I'm talking about."
Listen to what Miss Tyra Banks says you assholes!
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