You're English is very good...I hear also you are awesome

Let's all celebrate the arrival of Jason Statham into my pantheon of heroes. HUZZAH! ...now, while Sam Neill, Owen Wilson, and Bryan Brown lead him to the banquet room for a smorgasbord of rich food and cheap whores, let us consider summertime, and what we'll watch when the bees enjoy their last hurrah and attack all those who dare to venture outdoors.

Iron Man is set to be a big spring blockbuster blast...though I am unsure about Robert Downey Jr. as the lead. He has never struck me as an Iron Man, billionaire genius scientist. Rather, I see him more as a douche.

Are there any douchebag roles coming along? Cause he is well suited to play those.

Thankfully my G of G's Jason Statham is currently filming Crank Dos, and although the egregious Amy Smart survives to stain another installment, Bai Ling is also involved, and she promises to bring her own special brand of emaciated psychotic skankitude that every picture needs. Did not the Chronicles of Narnia suffer for want of a drug addicted rail thin fucktoy?

It would have earned my ten bucks is all I'm saying.

From the Bank Job to the Italian Job to the Cranks and Transporters, all la Statham needs is his stubble and a skull to crush. What other actor, save for a young Bryan Brown of course, could imbue the screen with such a convincing mixture of effortless charm and deadly menace? And is there a finer screen name then Chev Chelios? I think the fuck not.

If only there existed an actress with the gravitas, or hotness of ass, to grace the screen alongside him and not be blown out of the picture by his awesomeness. I don't think all the eggheads at M.I.T. combined could accurately quantify the phenomenal power of his greatness, and light bearded men everywhere weep in shame at the sight of their pathetic cheekbones.

I must digress, I realize that in excoriating team sports names I somehow failed to note the utterly unforgiveable Cleveland Browns. Could it be the soft spot in my heart for Drew Carey, that rotund maestro of the game show? No, it is probably the Spanish television induced haze I live my life in. But that omission ceases now! The Browns! Are you not aware your helmets are orange and not brown? Is the putrid smog that hangs over your mistake of a metropolis so great that you cannot distinguish the ugly glow of failure orange, with the dusky hue of loser brown? Were your uniforms not embarrassment enough, the founder of your feeble franchise honored your naming him by going off and founding another team, in the same state no less, and did not return the favor and name it after you.

Thus they are not the Cincinnati Fat Scumbags, but instead, the Bengals, an example of a good team name, that sings, and lends itself to a cool mascot.

I shall close this rather scattered homage to my man Statham with a plea to Natalie Portman. You are very pretty but a tad thin, and I urge you to take on more roles that require you to be trashy and pregnant, cause I found you rather fetching in that film. Well not the film itself, cause I couldn't bring myself to watch such obvious crap, but the commercials advertising it on TBS during Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. You managed to take my mind off of the trials and tribulations of Deuce and Assapopolous, the greek man whore, for a moment or two, and for that, I salute your lovely wan face and protruding belly.

In summation, congratulations to Statham, who has overcome the incredible and terrible obstacle of being born English, and somehow risen from that disgraceful low, to attain heights normally reserved for compliant strippers and...well mainly for them. Godspeed sir! My sincerest congratulations on your success, and may fortune reward you with a worthy leading lady, one who looks nice, and smells better.