Summer is here and before the glut of shark attacks and heat stroke deaths fill our thoughts, hearts, and paper headlines I thought I'd share some musings on all things sunshine and lemonade.
Quick note to all you assassins out there...I know it's hot and high powered rifles are heavy, but you're running out of time if you want your shot to count for anything. I'm not saying that having Bush and Cheney last 8 years without an attempt on their lives is the greatest stain this country's honor has ever suffered, but it's pretty fucking close. Let's get cracking before labor day shall we sociopaths?
If 8 years of gross incompetence and royal fucking up by our government aren't enough to drive you to want to crack some skulls open with high velocity rounds, may I suggest venturing into the cool confines of your local multiplex and checking out any number of shit summer fare excreted on the world by those ass clowns in Hollywood?
The Love Guru is such an unfunny colossal piece of garbage it's caused me to have a recurring dream of Mike Myers getting suctioned up inside an elephants asshole, which is then petrified, forcing him to spend centuries wallowing in a giant beast's rectum. Only then could he begin to himself endure the pain he has inflicted on humanity for that fucking movie. Never has Alba worn more clothes, never has a film been less funny.
Save of course for Get Smart. Hey Anne Hathaway...my dick just sent you a telegram...he's not interested! Steve Carrel you stupid fucking cocksucker...I think so little of you I know I spelled your name wrong and I'm not even going to try and look it up to spell it right...though anyone who wishes to do that should Google, "OVERRATED DICKHEAD WHO TURNED A MEDIOCRE SHOW INTO SOMETHING HORRIBLE"
Luckily foreigners are still making movies, so we don't have to swallow only the feces Hollywood squirts onto the screen. Those fucking Czechs foisted Beauty in Trouble on us...in short, the chick was an ugly skanked out piece of trash, and all the other characters were annoying assholes who made me long for the Russians to come back with the tanks...and unlike those pussy Chinese, the Russians would have no problem running some civilians over, cameras or no cameras.
Speaking of the Chinese...they make good movies like they branch out with new hairstyles...not very often...Lust, Caution ...Jesus Christ...why did it take so long for nothing to happen? A bunch of stupid Chinese kids spend years plotting on how to kill one guy? I thought these people were supposed to be smart? How bout, there's the dude, shoot him? That's a good plan, as opposed to, spend years studying the guy, have a virgin learn to be a whore, fuck him dozens of times over the course of years, and then somehow don't kill him. If only they had just shown him Lust Caution, he would have died of boredom! HAHAHAHAA
That jest puts me in a good mood and I remember Too Fast Too Furious: Tokyo Drift, which was a fine fucking film featuring the future Vanity, Nathalie Kelley, who is awesome, in the way puppies without Aids are awesome...which is to say the best way. There is a lot of drifting, so it's good that it's not one of those movies where the title is grossly misleading. They are in fact in Tokyo, and they drift the shit out of that place. At the risk of spoiling things, the bad guy gets his comeuppance, and that tool Vin Diesel only shows up at the end, when the good will has already been built up so you don't mind his ugly fucking face fouling up the screen. As the credits role I like to imagine the Yakuza cutting off his stupid head and bronzing it, so as to make a statue they call, "Sylvester Stallone if he were even uglier and more retarded".
One final note...those stupid fuckers at Anheuser Busch have a new ad slogan, touting their beer's "drinkability". Funny but that slogan doesn't make me want to drink bud, it makes me want to shatter a bottle of that piss and shove the shards into the cunt who came up with that stupid fucking ad. I wonder if he would even be able to say that stupid word with the jagged long neck of that shitty beer embedded in his throat. Nobody uses that word. There isn't a person on the planet who says, "shit, Miller tastes pretty fucking good, but goddamn that Bud has some real drinkability." It's like some fuckhead fell into a vat of that amber colored piss at the brewery and channeled that fat fucking moron John Madden. "drinkability!"
Thank god the Belgians bought that fucking place. I hope they treat the ad people like they did the Congolese...! Or maybe some crazed Walloon will burn it down.
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