Sometimes things suck

Sometimes you find a shiny penny on the ground, and sometimes the stripper forgets how many songs it was and you get a free dance, and during those times you think, "gee whillickers, maybe there is a god, and maybe he isn't such an asshole after all."

And the stripper gives you this look and the jig is up and she is all like, "what the fuck are you so happy about you clown? Did I give you a free dance by mistake?"

And then the bouncer is grabbing you by your sweat pants and throwing you into the alley out back, where some homeless guy stabs you with a knife coated in stale peanut butter.

That is the way the cookie of life crumbles, and this zany roller coaster of existence we are on goes up and down and off the rails and runs over some nuns. What I'm trying to say is that I was on the Internet and I found a 2.98 cent copy of the movie in which Vanity, dear sweet lovely slutty Vanity, plays a phone sex operator, and I think to myself, dear god, this is the greatest bargain in the history of everything, even more than when I got Action Jackson for 4 bucks.

So the DVD comes and I'm all excited, but after watching the film, Night Caller, I was hit with a wave of disappointment. But why?? How could a film in which Vanity stars as a phone sex operator possibly fail???

It was almost as if my enemies spent tens of thousands of dollars to make a film just to disappoint me. Somehow Fred "the Hammer" Williamson managed to cast Vanity in the role of a dirty slutty beautiful phone sex operator and...

and...

let her keep her clothes on throughout the film! OK some charlatans are saying, you don't need to be naked to do phone sex...well maybe if you are content just to earn enough bucks to pay the rent...but my girl Vanity is a professional, and she drives a nice ride and wears hot slutty expensive high class whore type threads, and thus needs to really sell the shit out of these calls...something one can't do fully dressed. As well I know my girl would really get into whatever role she was playing, on the phone or on film, and probably insist on getting naked, but Fred must be gay and I curse the Kansas City Chiefs in perpetuity for his pathetic inability to have her remove her clothes.

As if her unnakedness were not disappointing enough...for a phone sex operator she sure keeps it clean! There isn't one scene with her hands down her panties and her mouth letting loose a stream of filth the likes of which would melt convents. In 52 Pick-Up she is underdressed in virtually all her scenes, and masturbates gratuitously...to say nothing of her uttering the immortal..."You came here looking for something, and it ain't my pussy."

Shit they just don't have dialogue like that anymore. I mean when was the last time that old sweaty skank Judi Dench uttered something even half as beautiful? She hasn't! The most memorable thing she uttered in her last pompous crap fest was, "I'm weary Countess...I'm old, wizened, and with my overactive sweat gland I smell like Mena Suvari looks." (Merchant Ivory really shot their wad years ago in my opinion)

Hope was fading and then dashed for good when incredibly Vanity's character was killed by none other than Flash Gordon! You gotta be shitting me...in 52 Pick Up she is killed in a great death scene by the always menacing and odious John Glover, and after the audience has been satiated with copious amounts of Vanity's naked body and slut talk, but in this film she is weakly shot in the back by a zero like Flash! As if that wasn't bad enough the movie ends with a very gay fight/romp on the sand between Gary Busey and Fred the Hammer, followed by another tender and touching moment between Williamson and Peter Fonda...Peter Fucking Fonda! Vanity dies, fully clothed and with not a single dirty thought ever uttered, and the last five minutes of the movie are spent with three dickheads goofing around together...holy shit its like coming across a gold mine and trying to excavate it with a spoon and 2 gay buddies. After a few hours you won't have much gold, but your ass is going to hurt like hell. Maybe you can stab yourself to death with the spoon, or better yet find Fred the Hammer and end him.