Sometimes I like to compare the classics...like which film handled the transition of Hong Kong from hateful British back to the Chinese better, Rush Hour or Knock Off. I know what you're thinking, "Yes! Excellent! An excuse to go watch both those great movies again!"
I'm certainly not going to dissuade anyone from time well spent, so after you do that and clean yourself off, cause you'll undoubtedly soil yourself with joy, come back and read the rest of this shit.
All done babycakes? Good for you! Now then, Rush Hour kind of skimps the transition and jumps to Los Angeles, so it kind of loses right there...my that was a quick debate!
Knock Off gives you plenty of Van Dammage, and a great closing theme song, and encapsulates thousands of years of Chinese culture and 100 years of british imperialism and misrule into a taut 90 minutes, and comes replete with Deuce Bigalow and the always welcome and angrily sexy Lela Rochon.
That's not to say the Rush Hour films are not without their charms! Sure that black dude who's name escapes me has an irritating quality with that high pitched voice and his penchant for breaking into song and dance, but there is something about an asshole cop who gives his superiors a lot of shit that appeals to me. Like Martin Lawrence in Blue Streak. Fuck yes! Belie Dat!
That reminds me, it's been months since I've watched Gang Related, which is quite simply the greatest piece of work Tupac ever produced, and I curse his assassins for depriving me of a sequel. Such is its greatness that I love it even though Miss Rochon plays a stripper who never even gets naked! Jim Belushi gives his best perf since he was the Principal...or even the high school chess coach with the hot temper.
When the lemmings are off watching the new Batman, which I am boycotting on account of Heath Ledger's split ends...jeez, super villain criminal or not, there is simply no excuse for the state of that man's hair. What kind of international superstar are you when your mane is perpetually frizzy and skanked out? A pet theory of mine...Heath will be out of Hollywood by the end of the decade on account of his hair!
What's that? He's dead?
So anyway instead of Batman, I'm going to rent Gang Related, which is better than Gone Baby Gone, which got real stupid and predictable the longer it went on, though those trashy Bostoners were always entertaining? Those fuckers sure do talk funny.
Hmm a thought just occurred to me...even though Heath has bad hair, and is dead, I bet he still looks better than Maggie Gyllenhaal. Hollywood you sly fuckers. Come out with both barrels of Bale and Nolan and try to sneak this shit by me? Lela Rochon gets a couple of crap roles before being sent out to pasture and you foist Maggie G "probably has a Unit cause she's half a man" yllenhaal on me? Let me get this straight you clowns...millionaire playboy Bruce Fucking Wayne, who's also Batman, and has some real cool shit, and looks like Xtian Bale, and probably has no problem picking up hot trim left and right....is chasing after Maggie Gyllenhaal?
really? I'm supposed to pay $10.50 and believe that? Belie dat??
I can swallow the super villains and the utility belts and all that special effects shit, but if I guzzled a gallon of detergent and became as retarded as our president I wouldn't buy that shit for a second. Oh, and Aaron Eckhardt, a big shot rising star politician, is also on Maggie's shit. Wow.
Funny cause in real life if Aaron was the manager of a Payless at some shit ass mall in Akron and hated his life, and Xtian worked in the Duncan Donuts at the food court and wanted to hang himself after every shift, and Maggie was a clerk at the Gap, those two guys would still walk past her store every day for a year and never notice her even if she waved her pussy at them from the display window.
Danny Devito wouldn't fuck her.
Whatever Hollywood, everyone knows the real talent goes into porn these days...
Where is Tamara Feldman?? She's cute and the cabal that runs Hollywood must love her surname...why the fuck isn't she getting those kind of roles?
Who am I kidding?? Every time I get mad at Hollywood Brett Ratner gives me another gem and all is forgiven!
I wonder who Kelly Hu is eating out right now?
No comments:
Post a Comment