Enlightenment

When you have finally wised up, and pissed on your bible and rendered it unreadable, or set fire to your Koran, or took a shit all over whatever holy book the hindoo reads, you can bask for a moment in your enlightenment, but not too long, for you should quickly re-immerse yourself in the fountain of learning.

What fountain is that? The movies of course! One can learn a lot from cinema, if one pays attention, and doesn't waste his time throwing popcorn at the ticket girl, or taking handfuls of Sno-caps and firing them at every patron wearing a trilby. In fact Sno-caps aren't enough for that affront...you should be sure to spit rancid Dr. Pepper at all trilby wearers.

Cinema can teach you so much! And I'm not just talking bout porn, though you can learn a lot from that of course. ...turns out girls do like being covered in ejaculate, despite what the nuns and priests at school used to tell me.

Let's take a moment to examine a scene from the classic Just One of the Guys

A disconsolate Billy Jacoby slumps on his staircase after the fetching and ripe Sherilyn Fenn escapes his horny clutches...he looks down as his crotch and utters the immortal, "Sorry Spike."

Apologizing to his dick for failing to get it inserted inside Fenn's gash. A classy move from a horny teen. What does it teach us? Treat your cock with respect! And I don't mean just using lube and avoiding French women...I mean talking to it, letting it know you love and appreciate it, like a houseplant, or even a child...a cute one...not one of those ugly, charmless kids everyone rightfully despises.

The dude named Rabbit comes across a band name he finds ludicrous, And And And, and reacts in The Commitments.

"And And fuckin' And?"

He's incredulous! What does his simple statement of disgust convey and teach? Whenever someone says something stupid, which is most of the time, reply with immediate and withering sarcasm, and try use foul language, especially around the elderly...you really get a response that way and may even induce death.


"Who is Bond compared to Kronsteen?"

Creepy eyed Eastern European chess grandmaster considers himself superior to international spy extraordinaire James Bond in From Russia with Love. Awesome. Who the fuck is this cat? What do we know about him? He looks like a killer, not the barroom brawl break your neck with Seagal style Aikido style killer, but the slip out of the shadows and slice your throat in the dark with a dagger type. He is also pretty good at chess. In addition, he doesn't like Bond, or receiving congratulations and has a high opinion of self. Yet somehow he goes down to defeat!

Amazingly his demise is not at Bond's hand, but by the foot of a dwarfish Russian dyke, and a grizzly wizened one at that. What lesson do we take from his ignominious downfall?

Don't entrust your genius to others! Clearly he was a superior being, and devised a perfect plan, but he then made the gross error of entrusting his brilliance to lesser men and broads to carry it out. Of course they botched it.

The secret to James Bond's success is that he is a lone wolf lothario, who depends on no one but himself and his pistol. Were he to rely on teamwork a lesser man would undoubtedly fuck up and cause his death. Therefore, regard all others with contempt, and limit interactions with people to whores and deli counter employees.


"She loves me, I don't mind her."

Spike of Bensonhurst sums up his relationship with one of the mother's of one of his children ...holy shit, that fucker Sasha Mitchell teaches us so much in one throwaway line! How do you treat that special lady in your life? With disdain, and the occasional grope.

When introduced to this broad's boyfriend what does Spike say? "He's a fazool."

Wow, i don't even know what a fazool is, but I know it ain't good. What does that tell me? What do you do when introduced to her friends? Insult them immediately and try to get her away from them as fast as possible.

Other Spike tips for dating and life:

When you meet your girl's family embark on a three part plan.

1. Seduce her mother

2. Be respectful to the father, but try to evince deadly menace even during congenial encounters. Let the man know that even at a barbecue or sweet 16 party, you are always a moment away from murdering him.

3. Find some hot young Puerto Rican chick who looks like Talisa Soto, impregnate her, and let your fiance know it, just so she doesn't take you for granted.

Carrot Top's on so I can't write anymore.