Life's Calling

Sometimes I wish I would invent the time machine, so I could go back in time and destroy my enemies...my den mother, ,virtually every educator who dared to waste my time with their nonsense, Russia.

But also it would be nice to revisit some old TV shows, though I imagine they would not live up to my exalted memory of them. Take BJ McKay for instance...

I don't even remember if that was the actual title of the show, but I'm pretty sure the show was awesome. How could it not be...the cat drove around in a truck, with his best friend Bear, who was not in fact a bear, but a chimp or monkey of some sort. He was named after Bear Bryant and ugly so I was always hoping he'd be killed off, but no such luck. However BJ was cool, and did not get his nickname because of his penchant for blowing fellow drivers at truck stops...actually I don't know where the name BJ came from.

He sang his own theme song however...a jaunty number about going to New Orleans or who knows where...my favorite line was, "places new and ladies too, and the best thing about it, no properly tax!"

Haha you salty fucker BJ! I imagine he had to pay some sort of premium auto insurance, and a trucking license and gas and shit, so the lack of property tax probably wasn't all that great, but we all know what he meant when he said "ladies too". That land based sea dog was fucking all sorts of skanks all over the south west!

For some reason, jealousy perhaps, he had this one asshole cop, played by the great Ed Lauter, who was always trying to arrest him. Fuck you Ed Lauter! But he always failed cause BJ has this posse of bimbos who somehow were always in the town he happened to be driving in that episode. One of them was named Staxx, cause she had a giant set of tits. My memory of the show is pretty hazy but if even a tenth of this shit is true it was undoubtedly a great fucking show.

The Fall Guy was another old classic, featuring a stuntman/bounty hunter. Well holy fucking shit, why aren't half the shows/movies produced in this country and around the world chock full of stuntman/bounty hunters? I bet Bollywood hasn't churned out one such production! Lee Majors sang the awesome theme song, name dropping old time heroes and hos like Raquel Welch and Clint. He had a sidekick named Howie for fuck's sake! How many times have I been jumping out the window of a Mexican brothel and wishing my sidekick Howie was pulling round in the Volkswagen so we could make our getaway? Heather Thomas was involved but she only gave a hint of cleavage per 60 minute show and was grossly underutilized.

Finally I have fond memories of Tales of the Gold Monkey, or Golden Monkey, a show so hazy in my mind I wonder if in fact it even existed or is a result of dreams inspired by the exceptional turkey sandwich on pumpernickel I had for dinner. It featured an Indiana Jones rip off who travelled the world via sea plane. I don't care if you are Hindoo, Christian or Jew, that shit is fucking cool. Beats the fuck out of these endless cop, lawyer, doctor shows. Where are the cop shows that show how fat those lazy assholes get, hiding behind their unions when they shoot innocent people, and living off inflated taxpayer funded pensions?

Anyhoo this cat would travel around the globe getting into misadventures with his sidekick, who was neither a goofball named Howie or a chimp named Bear...he had a little pet dog! I don't remember the dog's name but he had a glass eye that the dude was always losing in poker games in Jakarta or Macao or cool places like that. I don't remember what was so fucking great about that dog's eye, but cutthroats the world over placed a pretty heavy price on it! Who hasn't been immersed in the Rangoon underworld a time or two, pushing your jeweled dagger in the pot in hopes of winning a dog's glass eye??

The dog always used to get pissed at the dude and give him a look with his one good eye that seemed to say, "what the fuck is your problem dude? you think just because you fly a sea plane and wear a leather jacket you're hot shit? why do you keep betting my glass eye?"

The dog looked pretty cool with an eye patch however so I don't know why he was so pissed. I think the dude helped innocents in every episode, but maybe he was just a degenerate gambler who used his sea plane to fly from brothel to brothel in the south seas, staying one step ahead of the law and three steps behind venereal disease.

Wow, did I just stumble upon my life's calling? Why didn't my guidance counselor every suggest pouring everything I owned into a house/plane/boat and to embark on travels with only a surly one eyed dog for a companion and only tawdry trysts as my goal? What the fuck was I paying that bitch for?