GFE!

Little Baby Jesus was in an especially foul mood. Either he was teething or someone had run afoul of his pet cause...hookers.

"What's shaking baby J?" I asked.

He spat tapioca at the screen. "I just watched The Girlfriend Experience. Leave it to Steven Soderburgh to make a movie about a whore boring...this joins Girl 6 and Eyes Wide Shut as movies I'm convinced were made just because horny but repressed directors wanted to be around hot girls and smut all day but were married or otherwise inhibited."

I nodded, cause little baby Jesus usually makes the most sense when he's drunk. "So he made a movie about a high class whore...casting a real porn star famous for asking to be punched during her first filmed sex scene...that sounds interesting. I like to watch movies about whores."

Baby Jesus squooshed his Smurf doll in a rage. "You would think! But instead of sex or anything interesting that bespectacled ass-clown had a bunch of non-actors improv about the economy."

I laughed, convinced baby Jesus was jerking my chain...which he also likes to do when wasted. "Bullshit baby J. Non-actors doing improved riffs on the economy? Nobody would watch that. People do like to see hot chicks get fucked though."

"Yeah? Well it turns out that when you hire this particular slut and ask for the girlfriend experience all you get is a vacant chick who nods as you yammer on about the price of gold."

"Was the director making a statement about how boring people are? And how even whores lead banal lives?"

Baby Jesus fired his rifle into the ceiling...which he often did to help calm his little baby nerves. "I think the director made a statement about what a boring pretentious hack he is. I bet that fucker is impotent too. Puto."

I tried to relax him by bringing up Norway, cause he loved lutefisk. "Well have you seen O'Horten?"

He put a bullet right through Scandinavia on the globe that sat atop the television. "Vikings used to pillage and rape...and now their ancestors make shitty dull flicks about old men on trains. Oslo can suck it."

"Ok baby Jesus...you're in a mood. Is your diaper full?"

He nodded. "I haven't changed it in days. I'm hoping to run into Quentin Tartantino so I can feed it to him."

"I take it you didn't care for Inglourious Basterds." I knew Lil' baby jesus was a stickler for spelling.

Baby Jesus pulled out his pipe and sucked. "What a silly little movie. Does Quenty think he's getting even? What's the score now...Nazis 6,000,000 Tarantino 1?"

I shrugged. "Those SS sure were long winded. I never realized Nazis were so fond of the chit chat! And milk. Liked to order milk for the ladies. And strudel with cream. Very fancy those SS."

The little lord and savior scowled. "I think that was because they had some actor "act" like a SS Colonel. I can't believe they gave an award to that guy. Just like Colonel Trautman in Rambo!"

As I knew Rambo was a sore spot with baby jesus I held my tongue. He continued to fume.

"An Oscar to that flouncer! Was Sean Hayes busy? Ricky Martin would have made a more convincing Nazi. How can you mince so much with a Death's Head on your cap? I mean crap even Ralph Fiennes was more menacing and he's English!"

"He might be Welsh...that's why he can't spell his own name."

"Don't get me started on the spelling. Was that movie originally supposed to be a cartoon?"

I shrugged again. "I was just pissed that Til Schweiger got killed. When you got a talent like Schweiger you keep him around! That should be the first rule of cinema baby jesus. It was just like in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo when he played Heinz Hummer, the gigolo with the most below. You just come to love Til and pow! He gets killed. That was still a great movie though. Do you think Assapopolous will get an Oscar in heaven?"

"Balls! The Sam Jackson voiceover? How distracting and forced was that? The blonde jewess runs away after her family gets shot under the floorboards...next she is running a theater in Paris. Huh? I mean I'm baby Jesus coming out of a virgin coos and even I found most of that story hard to believe."

"Yeah...although there's a lot of shit in the bible that is kind of ridiculous baby J."

He rolled his adorable little baby eyes. "And the tavern scene? So damn dumb. I regret making humanity so stupid that some people would actually praise that empty nonsense."

"Well what about High School Musical? Humanity appreciates the shit outta that."

"Fuck man I got some shit right. Selena Gomez is rock solid."

He gave me a fist bump after that, cause I know he is real proud of the way the Tis, Lovato, and the rest of the Disney crew turned out.