Holy Shizznit

Baby Jesus and me were watching TV and he was hoggin the remote again...like a little pudgy douche.

"C'mon baby Jesus turn this fuckin' channel," I said, "it's not like any of these real housewives are good looking."

He squeezed the remote..."I find these dizzy dames fascinating. They're such whores. Nothing like my dear sainted mother."

I rolled my eyes. "Your mother was a prude dude."

Little baby Jesus scowled at me, and yes he does look adorable when he scowls. "The Virgin Mary? Mother of God? You're calling her a prude?"

I nodded as I watched some dopey unattractive broad gush about her $500 dollar shoes on the tube...as if anyone had any interest in that dusty skank's feet. "Hell yeah she was a prude baby Jesus. I could call her worse but I don't want to insult you."

He gave me the finger. "Oh you're so fucking kind. My mom was as pure as driven snow. Or sand that hadn't been soiled by camel shit...cause there wasn't much snow in Bethlehem now that I think about it."

"What is so great about being a virgin anyway? I bet Joseph wasn't too thrilled with Mary. Guy's slaving away building chariots and pillories in his carpenter shop all day and then he has to come home to a cold dinner and a handjob? That's bullshit. With broads like that it's no wonder Judas turned traitor."

"Judas...that motherfucker."

"And because of your mom virginity has been looked upon as noble for centuries...now what good has that done any of us? It's unnatural, it keeps a lot of guys from getting any, and it makes girls feel bad when they finally do get screwed."

Baby Jesus sucked on his bottle. "We're not like the Greeks...God wasn't going to come down and impregnate my mom, so she could have me. I couldn't just shoot out like everyone else."

"Did you crawl past an intact hymen?"

He raised his adorable little eyebrow at me. "Hmm I don't really remember...I think I just sort of eased my way out."

"Well I don't see how...what with her hymen still there."

He shrugged his cute little shoulders. "All I know is that stable smelled like shit. That frankincense and myrrh was needed brosuf! You think those donkeys and sheep would ease off on the crappin' when the Lord and Savior was making his debut!"

I nodded..."Speaking of the poop chute...why didn't your moms get impregnated through anal? That would have been a real immaculate conception...and it would have encouraged chicks to take it in the butt! What could be holier than bending over and taking it in the holiest of holes after that?"

"Would I have been shat out? You're talking crazy man."

While he was pondering that I used his befuddlement to seize the remote. "Suck it baby jesus! We're watching Melrose Place now! This Asian chick is a doctor by day and a call girl by night. Maybe this episode they'll reveal how much she charges for Greek."