Jesus Gets Hassled

Baby Jesus was enjoying Sofia Vergara's breasts on tv when he said to me, "Man this is sweet...but things weren't always so easy for me..."

I hit him flush in the face with a Twinkie. "What do you mean Baby J?"

He sighed..."Sometimes it was a hassle being the son of god....like one day I was walking along and I'm approached by Schlomo, a real douchey motherfucker, you know the type...so he comes at me like he's my best friend in the world and says "Hey Jesus...what's goin on buddy?

I nod, bored like,"Just chillin man...you know...doin my thing."

Schlomo laughs this fake ass laugh that always made me grit my perfect teeth..."I hear you man," he says, "...you look great bro...love the robe...hey! heard what you did with Lazarus...raised him from the dead...that's awesome man...bad ass."

I shrugged, "Yeah...Laz needed a little boost...I gave it to him that's all...no big deal...besides he owed me a few shekels and I wasn't getting those back with him in the ground."

Schlomo slaps me on the back..."Always so modest J C...you're the man...really that's great...I saw Lazarus the other day...I mean you really raised his ass...didn't just make him a vegetable so he's technically alive but all fucked up. He was out and about...saw him down at the gladiator arena screaming his head off...he had big money wagered on this one lion to win."

I raised my eyebrow skeptically cause I figured he was full of shit as usual...he kept talking, "Anyway Jesus that's kinda why I stopped you...really loved what you did with Lazarus...and umm...well I got this Aunt Helga...well I had...cause she died you see...run over by a chariot...anyway she's dead now and we were hoping you could do your whole raisin' from the dead thing with her...whenever you get the chance you know."

I kept walking cause I really didn't want to help this dick..."I don't know man, I'm pretty busy."

"Sure Jesus sure...I know you got things to do...whenever you get the chance man...I mean she's not going anywhere right!" He laughs and I just shake my head.

"...don't you worry Jesus we won't bury her...you won't have to dig her up or anything...we just got her lying in the back of our place...so if you could just drop by and do your hocus pocus..."

I held my hand up cause I just wanted to be rid of this fool, "Listen brosuf, I have to go to the desert...meeting the devil for something...he's gonna test me and shit...so I don't know when I'd get the chance for your uncle."

"Aunt..Aunt Helga...look Jesus we'd really appreciate it....she makes this great fig dish...or did...we haven't had it since she died and we really miss it...tell you what...as soon as you revive her we'll have her make it and give you first taste...mark my words...her fig dish alone is worth raisin' her from the dead!"

I spat out the date I was chewing on. "Look man...I just don't want to be pigeonholed as the "dude who raises people from the dead" ...I mean I got a lot of talents you know."

"Sure Jesus sure...we just thought you could help us out this one time."

"That's just it...would it be one time? I mean if I raise your aunt from the dead...someone else is gonna die right? People are dying every day in this motherfucker. So now I gotta raise them or else I'm a dick right?...Next thing you know I'm spending all day every day raisin' people up...and then it's pets!...I just know someones gonna come at me with a camel that choked on a chicken bone..."Oh Jesus could you raise our dead camel up please!"...I mean I'm the son of god and shit...I got important stuff do do...I gotta practice my water walking, clean out the temple...all kinds of stuff."

Schlomo didn't take too kindly to the lamb of god blow off.

"Ohhh sorry jesus...didn't realize you were too busy to help someone...I guess you gotta have time to brush that hair of yours too right? Thanks for nothing you fucking faggot."

So I'm pissed hearing that right? Cause I gotta turn the cheek when this punk ass fucknut disses me like that. That's my thing too. Turning the other cheek and shit even when some limp dick sasses me. And why does he gotta bring the hair into it? I was blessed with great hair and I take care of it. It inspires people.

I hit Baby Jesus with another Twinkie...look like you got Twinkie jizz in your hair now hotshot.