Tuesday, April 29, 2008

1 2 3 4!


Disease, famine, war,...age old problems on this planet. What are the answers? Could it be Japanese garage rock? Could it be the ever seductive allure of loose women? Some blissful combination of the two? I shall investigate.

In that spirit I will now list my favorite Guitar Wolf song titles, not the songs themselves, but the titles, as brought to the world by Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf.

(I will throw in a song or two by Teengenerate, cause their drummer was named Suck)

In descending order:

15. Time Machine of Tears
You can change the past, by changing the future. Japanese men often make me cry, but never more when they are this profound. Almost makes me sorry for Hiroshima.

14. Kung Fu Ramone Culmination Tactic
I don't even know what this means. It sounds awesomely ominous, and it is clearly a tactic villains should be wary of.

13. Kicked Out of the Webelos
Sung by Teengenerate, and technically a cover of the Queers, but something I can wholeheartedly support. I don't even think they have the Webelos in Japan, which makes Suck's and the rest of Teengenerate's expulsion all the more shocking and unfair.

12. Three A.M. Noodle Shop
We've all been there, left the cat house light of pocket and happy of heart, ambled down to the local noodle shop where you hope to catch a hot meal with the remnants of your rifled pockets. Maybe that whore you just had fun with will be there too, adding ounces to her emaciated frame. What can be sexier than steam rising from hot broth and wafting over a girl hungering for one last fix of heroin before home?

11. Katsumiya Tobacco City
I've never been there, but I hear the streets are paved with tobacco leaves, and the kids are all encouraged to smoke. Consequently their school sports teams always run out of energy in the second half, but they look cool, and have a high rate of success in the film industry.

10. Toiletface
Oddly enough this song is about your mother, whom Guitar Wolf has not even met!

9. All Through the Night Buttobase
I don't even know what Buttobase is, but if Guitar Wolf commits to it all night, it is undoubtedly on the unhappy side of legality, and incredibly awesome.

8. Sex Cow
Teengenerate's ode to healthy broads, who are in short supply in Nippon.

7. Midnight Blood Pump
The night is young and you are grievously hurt, do you retire for the evening, or do you undergo a late night blood pump in order to continue your reign of mayhem?

6. She's Dumb
Teengenerate pens the ultimate wedding song.

5. Roaring Blood
If your blood does not roar, clearly you are not living. Drop out of school, dump your spouse, quit your job. All you need is a blunt instrument and a pocket full of speed. Rev up your motorcycle, feel your blood roar, glory and incarceration await!

4. Blood Splashed Sky
The authorities are on to you. Your Kawasaki lies a smoldering wreck. Burned bank notes flutter away in the smoky breeze. As your breath escapes your punctured lungs you lay on the pavement and gaze beyond the towering trooper into the limitless blood splashed sky. Your smile perplexes him.

3. Midnight Violence Rock and Roll
The blood pump was a success. Your Kawasaki has a full tank and the engine purrs. The steel is cold in your hands. Your favorite whore, Cinderella, wipes your brow. The time is ripe for violence.

2. Let's Get Hurt
My family crest is emblazoned with this motto. Our reunions are sparsely attended affairs.

1. Murder by Rock
Your enemies abound. You wish to dispose of them without a trace. Sheathe the sword. Unleash the rock.

A is for A-Hole



I believe the mailmen are conspiring against me...what other explanation for their failure to deliver movies starring Vanity to me? In her smutty/delicious absence I have resorted to viewing basketball and hockey playoffs. This brings to mind Beyonce, and the worst names in sport, which burn my britches, if I wore any that is.

1. New Jersey Nets

You gotta be fucking kidding me. How bout a baseball team named the Kansas City Home Plates? A hockey team named the Cleveland Ice Surface? That is how fucking ridiculous that swamp infested shithole state's team name is. No wonder they fucking suck like a syphilis ridden teen the garden state is so chock full of. Fuck Zach Braff, Bruce Springsteen, and the collection of brain dead assholes who had the mind numbing audacity to submit that pathetic excuse for a professional sports team's name. How the fuck did that pass any kind of scrutiny? Were they given 10 seconds to name the team or else they would be killed, and Nets was the first thing that came to mind? Rumor had it that they were considering changing it to Swamp Dragons, which, although ridiculous and stupid, is also original and awesome, and relevant to the state itself, what with it being swamp ridden and filled with women who stink like lizards and look worse. Fuck you Bon Jovi you greasy cocksuckers.

2. Minnesota Wild

This frozen wasteland had their shit ass team the North Stars move to Texas, and for some reason baby jesus saw fit to give those North Dakota wannabe losers another team, and they go and name it the Wild. Pardon me, it doesn't even have the "the", like the cool as can be Boogie Down Bronx. Just Wild. Do those fucktards think that's clever? They run out of ink before they could put cats at the end of that? Wildcats is unoriginal, somewhat boring, and yet still a hundred times better than this ode to Skid Row, or whatever the fuck the intention those ice ridden rednecks had in mind. Wild what? You are a bunch of fucking retards.

3. Colorado Avalanche

As you can see I get kind of worked up when I think about this shit. All the money and effort that goes in to bringing a sports franchise into a city, and one can name it a million different things. So many options! So much time to come up with one! And if nothing brilliant comes to mind you can always fall back on Tigers, Eagles, Bears...which lend themselves to cool mascots and uniforms and everything. But no, those Coors drinking ass clowns had to be whimsical, and name themselves after a natural disaster, which might have been OK had it been Tornadoes, or some shit like that, but not Avalanche. Is that plural or singular? Do you call them Avalanchers? How bout I slap the douchebag who submitted that name in his stupid fucking face? And what brilliant symbol did they pay a graphic designer to concoct to go with that incredible team name? A big letter A with some snow swirling around it. Jesus fucking christ a retarded monkey high on glue could come up with a better symbol than that. I wish Dave Thomas had bought this franchise and named it after his daughter. The Colorado Wendys. I piss on your mountains...the Himalayas rule and the Andes rock your feeble shit.

4.Colorado Rockies

You John Denver loving motherfuckers. You thought you could sneak this shit by me? I hope Charlie Rich burns down your whole fucking state.

5. Houston Texans

Sweet jesus. Imagine you are so retarded that you are actually proud of something you should be ashamed of. Like wearing a shirt that says, "I gave my cat Aids", or, "I wet my bed, then I murdered Jesus". Thanks for ruining our country with that blue blooded rednecked shit for brains dick head George W. would somebody please punch that stupid fuck Bush. As if the Cowboys weren't detestable enough, you big hat wearing dildos go and name your team after your sorry ass selves, cause you don't want anyone stealing them and taking them to Tennessee like your precious loser Oilers. Don't worry, after that colossal fuck up Dubya, no person with an ounce of sense would ever want anything from that giant backward waste of a state you call home. Keep you stupid fucking team, and your dumb as shit spoiled rotten oil grubbing politicians, and choke on em. I wonder if your death gurgle comes with that stupid hick drawl you retarded assholes are so proud of. Fuck you Texas, I hope Mexico overruns you, and shits greasy taco diarrhea shit all over your yellow roses and fat women before they get to Oklahoma. (Except for Lubbock, and El Paso out of respect to Marty Robbins)


6. tie: Chicago White Sox, Boston Red Sox, Cincinnati Reds

The White Sox and Red Sox went 80 plus years without winning shit. I wonder if it had anything to do with being named after hosiery? How in Vanity's name can anyone root for a team named after a fucking sock? How does the Seattle Quality Trousers sound? The San Diego Collared Shirts? Jesus Fucking Christ were people so blasted on ye olde timey lager that they couldn't think of anything better to name the team? "I say brethren, why don't we concoct a moniker for our sports collective? We all wear black stockings while we engage in sport? Why not celebrate that?" Those idiots must have been blown away when Detroit said, "We wear blue socks...but we're gonna call ourselves the Tigers"

"Great Jehovah! You can do that??!"

As incredible as it seems there are in fact TWO major league baseball teams named after red socks. What in fuck's name is so fantastic about red goddamn socks?! I'm astonished. Cincinnati is actually the Red Leggings or something, which is charming in a ridiculous, thank god I was born in a real century kind of way, although I bet Chester A. Arthur wasn't a brain dead coke head fuck up like our current asshole in chief. I wish Cincinnati would embrace some sort of communist agenda and emblazon their uniforms with Karl Marx's ugly fucking face, or Rosa Luxembourg holding a flaming bomb. Now that I think about it I kind of like the Reds name, though Warren Beatty remains a tool.


9. Washington Nationals

You pussies. The Nationals? What the fuck does that even mean? Are you setting up a rivalry with the Un-Nationals? The Outer Spacers? Could you be less inspiring? Maybe if you were the Washington Sound Economic Policies, or the District of Columbia Crack Head Mayors. I hope the British come back and burn...i'm watching Spanish tv and the weather girl has such phenomenal boobies...madre de dios. I curse that franchise in perpetuity.

10. Denver Nuggets

Don't think I forgot about you Colorado. Aspen sucks, no one's ever even heard of Breckenridge, and Pete Coors is a racist. Your name conjures images of turds, and the only thing you have going for you is that you're not Texas. Hmm, maybe you are not so bad after all...and I forgot about the San Antonio Spurs! A reprieve for the Nuggets! The Spurs? Once again, naming your team after clothing is weaker than Laura Bush's dried up twat. You would be better off naming your team the ass-less Chaps. Your team symbol could be an asshole...(of course you know where this is going), and you could just put a photo of our beloved President on your jersey. The San Antonio Ass-Less Chaps. Mexico...I'm counting on you guys...I got a coupon for a free chulupa at participating Taco Bells, you can share it, if you would just overrun that lone star retard infested republic on the Rio Grande. The world laughs and pities you Texas. Lyndon Johnson and the Bushes? Jesus Christ you in-bred cocksuckers could apologize for the next one thousand years and it wouldn't be enough. Thanks for killing Kennedy too you colossal bunch of jackasses. Well done. You dickheads planning to go to Mars so you can fuck that planet up too? Be sure to take that choker Tony Romo, that idiot Jessica Simpson, and the rest of you bible thumpin cousin humpin backward armadildos with you.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Putin's Poon


The wily Russian rascal is at it again. Somebody is making a bid to be my new hero, a position last held by Derek Jeter, who earned that coveted status by his policy of never marrying, and instead defiling a series of hot tawny broads, including Adriana Lima, Vanessa Minillo, and Miss World, only to drop them after a few months when the thrill inevitably wore off...bravo sir. Still I can no longer call him my hero of heroes cause he works in close proximity with notorious ass clown Alex Rodriguez, and yet does not take a bat to that asshole's skull.

Of course his supporters will argue that by committing murder, or aggravated assault as the case may be, Jeter would forfeit his position as shortstop on the Yankees and might actually be sent to prison as well. To that I say, in his cell, would he not be happy basking in the satisfaction of having destroyed a dick like A-Rod? I rest my case.

Vladimir Putin has no such qualms against murder, and has added premium poon chasing to his repertoire. He loses points for taking so long to dump his wife of 20 plus years, the woman was in her 50's for chrissakes, (better late than never I suppose), but he is rapidly making up lost ground by courting, or should I say, capturing, (cause one suspects he did not use chocolates or flowers to woo this broad, but probably had his old KGB cronies whip up some mind altering radioactive device, or employed old fashioned blackmail), a hot young 24 year old actress/model.

It is not an unqualified triumph however. For one, he is rumored to be marrying her...so stupid Vlad, so very stupid...do you not think she is going to turn 30 one day as well? For another she is Russian. However Pooty Poots puts himself in the top slot for my hero position due to the fact that this young flexible minx is a gymnast! With a gold medal no less...quite a coup for the Russian despot!

No doubt hot shit French top cat Nick Sarkozy is wincing at the news that he has been usurped as Europe's coolest fucking leader, with his model/concubine being past her prime, though still quite doable. Americans cast their eyes to the ground in shame thinking of Bill Clinton's dalliances with an assortment of fat chicks and trash, and current dickhead in chief's george w. dumbass' sham marriage to some brainless automaton twat.

Apparently I don't pull any punches when it comes to world leaders and the cooz they choose.

Tough nuts for Vladycakes however, cause although I admire his taste in bendy waifs, he remains hellbent on restoring glory to a country that never had any. What a waste of fucking time! What century are you in anyway you idiot? Didn't you get invaded enough? Is there really a situation where Russia wins when it comes to global politics? Even when you "win" a war, i.e. beating Napoleon and Hitler, at the end of the day you're still in Russia, and we all know that sucks. You have a hot little gold diggin tramp on your arm, your in charge, but your name is still Vlad and you run a backward frozen wasteland good for producing nothing but gangsters and fish eggs.

I hope Tom Brady is reading this...don't ever buy a ring Tommy baby, and if you are ever asked to become Mayor of Volgograd, tell those radiated commie retards to fuck off.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Viva Camacho!


Lamentably Vanity has not discovered a time machine and renounced Jesus, and so her treasure trove of awesomeness remains limited...consequently I have no recourse but to pace myself when it comes to indulging in the fruit pie of her allure, and incredibly, though Terror Train is in my possession, I have yet to watch it!

Zounds and egads this may be a tell tale sign that my nut has truly been flipped, but fear not, I have a new obsession to obsess over, and the lovely tawny lady's name is Jessie Camacho.

Her fantasticness knows no bounds, or if it does, I care not, as long as those bounds don't hinder her breasts. Caramba! Why bother with the effort and expense of going to the Grand Canyon when you can gaze on those wonders from the comfort of your own home, and not have to worry about being trampled by a mule or smelling old people.

If you ever run into baby jesus or some hollywood mogul do me a favor and ask those ass clowns why in fuck's name dear Jessie isn't more famous? She was a goddamn cop at one point in her luscious life, until she decided that her breasts were too perfect to risk being shot, and decided to wear less clothing for a living.

And what reward does she get for her heroic and courageous decision to abandon fascism and bring joy to me? A pretty decent career as a spanish television host and personality. By god that is not enough! Remember Monica Potter? Exactly, but that no talent nothing was given several starring movie roles based on being some chick I might fuck if I was desperate and didn't have to put that much effort in. I mean Jesus H Christ, Sex and the City, Friends, and virtually every actress over 30 ... no thanks!

You want to give Colin Farrell and Larry the Cable Guy awesome careers cause they suck good cock? Fine, have your fun, just do me a favor and put dear Jessie in a movie or two and I'll pony up my 10 bucks and you can buy your coke and do whatever it is you no eye for talent dickweeds do when you're not churning out crap ass films starring shitheads like Freddie Fucking Prinze.

Dear god, you morons waited 5 years too long before you plucked Sofia Vergara from obscurity and made her relatively famous. Outside of this current administration's destruction of the planet I regard Jessie Camacho's continued halfway decent career to be the greatest misuse of potential in this land's brief history. Think about it...we enslaved millions of africans and butchered indians, the least we could do is put Jessie in a sitcom or give her a role as "spunky waitress" in Guy Pearce's next indie super smash.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Vanity Sixx



I could not find a pic of Vanity and Nikki Sixx...the internet is useless...can we get our dear President to ban it?

I must dispel such bitter thoughts, and what better way to do that then by ruminating on Vanity, which I have not done in quite some time...or has it been mere mintues?

Not content to merely watch her onscreen or listen to her sing...come to think of it I could do without the listening...I decided to head to the local library and rent Nikki Sixx's biography about doing heroin and Vanity, not necessarily in that order.

Fun facts from the book! :

Nikki Sixx is a made up name! Who could have guessed??

His real name is Chuck Fuxalot Jr., which is a pretty cool name in its own right.

Mr. Sixx liked heroin, a lot, and he also liked Vanity. Only the best for Mr Sixx, in both women and drugs...bravo sir!

Turns out that Vanity had a vanity license plate that read HO HO HO, cause that's what Prince dubbed her when she left him. "you aint' nothing but a Ho Ho Ho"... She also liked Santa Claus a lot.

I'm telling you I was forced to read Hamlet in school a bunch of times and I don't remember that danish faggot ever doing anything that cool. I don't even think Hamlet had a car.

The most shocking aspect of Mr Sixx's life was that he apparently hung out with Jon Bon Jovi. Holy fucking shit what amount of drugs would possess any man to do such a thing?

He even relays a fine tale in which he and Jon Bon are in a German brothel together but Nikki can't get his dicky up cause Bon Giovanni keeps telling his whore jokes in his stupid ass jersey accent.

That is a sure fire way to kill a hard on, listenin to Bon Jon yammer on about chickens crossing roads that are slippery when wet.

If you are ever in a whorehouse in Dusseldorf be sure to clear your room of Samboras and Jovis...a valuable lesson for us all.

There are so many other lessons to be learned from this fine book...like exercising caution when picking your girlfriends while watching tv...that's how Mike Tyson found Robin Givens...and that is how Nikki found his one true love, before that hateful monster Jesus took her away.

I am going to fight baby jesus for Vanity...I hope he doesn't throw his holy poop on me.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Rape Ape







Hola Muchachos!

Could a day pass without my mentioning Vanity? I guess not.

Is it 1984? Why don't you shut the fuck up!

Stop reading this and go watch Tanya's Island, just about the best movie ever made, or at least the best movie about a beautiful woman and the love triangle between her, her A-Hole with a capital A boyfriend, and an ape, played by Corey Feldman.

Ok the Corey Feldman part was a lie, but the rest of that sentence was true.

And to think people waste their time on this globe reading crap like the bible when they could be watching Vanity and her jerk boyfriend on a tropical paradise.

Dear Vanity just wants to ride her pony and drink coconut milk while wearing not very much clothing, and by god what more could one want out of life than that?

Unfortunately for her she befriends this blue eyed ape...perhaps it's even a gorilla...what do I look like a zoologist?

So of course A-hole McGee her boyfriend gets all jealous cause she is spending way too much time with this monkey.

Naturally he locks her in a bamboo cage and rapes her while the ape watches.

This of course causes aforementioned monkey to go ape shit, literal like, and he bombards the dude with coconuts.

Vanity is quite upset at all this.

When the gorilla busts in and starts brawling with Captain Douchebag, Vanity reasons that they are both kind of alpha male jerks and she wants no part of either of them, and sets off into the jungle to find some cool guy who writes blogs or something.

She doesn't get too far however, cause the angry ape tracks her tawny ass down and knocks her to the sand.

Does he give her a stern talking to?

No, he can't speak, he's a gorilla.

He does rape her though.

In summation: she is bombarded by coconuts and raped by the only two males, one of whom is a gorilla, on her tropical paradise. Bad week for Vanity!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Sunshine and Palm Trees


I went to the beach today. I was not raped.


I like to take pleasure from the little things in life...the golden rays of the sun warming my body, the fresh ocean air washing over me, the absence of buggery.


My joy was tempered at the realization that my dog has most likely been assassinated.


I suspect the neighbors. They have always resented his robust health and shiny coat. They have an assortment of skin conditions and their pet iguana died long ago and lies, dessicated and shriveled up, on their porch.


I detest my neighbors.


If they are reading this I hope they realize I urinate on their daily paper each morning...just a little bit, so that they have probably suspected it is just morning dew, and not my fresh, hot piss.