Silk

Silk is a fine film where not a lot happens and you wonder why in the heck and who in the hell would even make this exercise in pretty nothingness. It features that sleepy dopey looking actor Mike Pitt and two beautiful Asian chicks, and also the English Natalie Portman, Keira "I ain't anorexic" Knightley.

Now I've always had a hard spot in my heart for Keira since she was cast in the terrible (never seen it of course) King Arthur as a warrior woman Lady Guinevere, and proudly stated in an interview that "Guinevere kicked butt!"

Maybe she did, (she didn't), but if in fact she did I'm sure she weighed more than the emaciated 85 pound Knightley. I highly doubt that sickly wench can even lift a spoon full of milk drenched Weetabix, much less wield a sword or pull a bow string back.

It's just shitty casting is all I'm saying...but I digress...

Silk is beautiful film to look at, especially the Asian chicks, one of whom is a whore, and it contains one of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema! No joke!

Mike Pitt plays a sleepy Frenchman who goes to Japan in the 1800s to pick up some silk worm eggs so he can bring em back to France and they can hatch and spin silk with the help of a saucy Alfred Molina. While in Japan, Pitt, although happily married and deeply in love with the gaunt and stupid Knightly, falls for the belle concubine of some Japanese warlord/silk egg magnate. Careful ladies! Don't you go sending your man off to collect worm eggs if you want to hold onto him!

Anyhoo, even though Pitt don't speak no Japanese, and broad don't speak English or french or much of anything at all...those two crazy kids fall in love, and when he has to go back to France she passes him a note in secret.

Problem one for Pitt...he looks too stupid to read.

Problem two, even if he can read...he sure as shit don't understand Japanese, in which the note is written, and can't very well go to the husband/warlord/silkworm titan and ask him, "Hey brosuf, mind translating the note your hot piece of ass geisha girl wrote me?"

So Fucknut goes all the way back to France not knowing what this little Asian minx wrote him. Molina to the rescue! Of course that portly fucker knows of a dynamite, and pricey, Japanese whore residing in Paris or some such place, and advises Pitt to look her up, but bring your wallet, cause her gash don't come cheap!

When Pitt meets her she is well dressed, undoubtedly smells real nice, and has the air of a real bitch, like all good whores do. She dispenses with polite ceremony and bluntly asks the dopey looking ass clown, "what makes you think you can afford to sleep with me?"

Dude retorts sleepily, "I don't want to fuck you, I just need you to translate this shit"...or something like that...

Hot Asian cumslut takes the Japanese girl's note to Pitt and reads it, "Come back or I'll die."

"That's it?" Pitt says.

"That's it."

Turns out Japanese chick was a woman of few words, but apparently was going to miss Mr Pitt something awful.

Pitt gets up and reaches for his wad of cash and starts peeling off some big bills...hot Asian whore watches him for a moment and says, "Forget about it."

Sleepy boy pauses...then Asian whore speaks again..."Not the money, the note. Forget about the note and the girl who wrote it... You know she's not really going to die."

Wow...I'm sure if 6 billion people watch this film about silk worms 6 billion think Asian slut is thinking..."Aww I can't charge you dopey! You didn't even fuck me! It's my pleasure to translate such a beautifully romantic note from across the sea! No charge!"

But no! Bitchy Asian slut wants the cash and turns out to be a delightfully jaded realist..."She's not really going to die."

Haha..of course Pitt doesn't take the sound advice, though he has sense enough to leave a substantial amount of cash for Asian slut, cause she looked like she would have slit his throat had he not.

Long film shortened...he goes back to japan, warlord worm dude prevents him from seeing hot little Japanese concubine, who does not in fact die and probably gets over Pitt soon enough...I mean it's not like they had much in common, or even talked.

He goes back to France, Knightley finds out about his love of Asian chicks, dies of some disease, and he winds up alone on a bench with some goofy gardener boy, a widower, and pining away for his harajuku girl whom he'll never see again. Nice job! About time we had a real love story that dealt with real issues, like how the language barrier can be a problem and the silk worm industry is capricious.

And what of Asian whore? Well we'll just have to wait for the sequel!

Save Beyonce!

Once the world finishes ejaculating at the thought that world class Texas Turd George Bush will be flushed from office and Obama will take over, let them ponder the most pressing matter at hand today! We citizens of this shitty swirling globe are in danger of losing dear Beyonce Knowles!

Now she is not at risk of being whisked away by Martians, though if those wily green bastards had any sense they would beam her to their red planet and make her their mocha queen! Rather my great fear is that she is slowly slipping down the slope of diva insanity that has claimed so many songstresses before!

Diana, Liza, Judy, Michael, Britney...all those bitches succumbed to the pressures of fame and fortune and went bananas...and not the good kind of banana...the kind a young lady might experiment with when she masturbates...but the bad kind of banana...the kind a rogue Detroit cop might stick up law abiding peace officer's tail pipes while in the middle of an investigation!

I digress...watching ladies like Liza and Mariah go off the deep end troubled me not, cause they were and are talentless nobodies who weren't good looking! But dear Beyonce is legitimately beautiful, and thus better than most of the other 6 billion people on this planet, and worth saving.

Who could help but be charmed by the way she professed her love of Popeyes chicken! What sense! While putrid skanks like Britney kept flashing their oft abused twats Beyonce charmed with her winning smile and love of fine fast food.

While repulsive no talents like Britney dated refuse like K-Fed, dear Beyonce cavorted quietly around the globe with famed homosexual Jay Z, and wasn't it nice of her to provide that frilly pseudo gangsta with such a beautiful beard?

She even chose to give her fans the gift of her visage on the big screen, and although she starred in a relentless procession of crap like Austin Powers 3 and that Cuba Gooding movie, it was still nice to look at her.

Is there a more beautiful word than bootylicious?

Don't go over that psycho ledge Beyonce! This Sasha Fierce alter ego used to be somewhat charming, but easily dismissed, like your childish belief in god. Suddenly it has come to the forefront however, as if you are losing your mind completely!

Perhaps I should embrace this Barack optimism. Maybe this Sasha alter ego will go nutzo in the good way, and we can all look forward to dear Beyonce working onscreen with Kristin Kreuk in the some sort of Etta James pornographic bio. Did Etta engage in lesbian sex with a young half Asian Canadian? I close my eyes and hope so.

Movie Magic Wonderland Awesome!

So some guy who stole John Mellancamp's nickname recommended a little Whit Stillman flick called Metropolitan, and I had the great displeasure of watching it.
I remember when that movie came out thinking, "Who the fuck would want to see a movie about a bunch of rich pantywaists dicking around hoity toity parties with a lot of senseless jibber jabber?"

Word of advice to all the ladies out there...if you're going to be boring, spoiled and stupid...at least be good looking...if you combine ugly with dull, do the world a favor and find a nice black hole to get sucked into. Children should be seen and not heard, and unattractive broads should be neither.

Thankfully I was able to wipe that stain from my mind by going to see Tropic Thunder, which had psychotic babies and explosions, two things long missing from American cinema.

Loved the scene on the bridge where the little baby repeatedly stabs Stiller in the back, and then pouts on the riverbank. Orson Welles can take his rosebud bullshit and go fuck himself, cause that scene is far more enjoyable than anything that obese ass clown ever regurgitated onto the screen.

Baby Jesus knows I love my g Owen Wilson but perhaps his suicide attempt was a good thing after all cause my laid back motherfucker Mconaghey does a nice job with the role of super agent, and I'll always find the ugly Steve Coogan being blown to bits enjoyable.

In an aside it's also nice to see Simon Pegg dissing Ricky Gervais for being fat and stupid.

You take him down a peg or two Pegg! You little limey bastard!

I also saw Religulous, which was nice though Bill Mahrer can be rather tough to look at, like licking dried pigeon shit off a statue's rusted balls.

It helps to see that flick in a crowded theater, and to observe groups laughing uproariously when one faith is mocked, only to fall silent when the ridicule targets theirs. Be sure to laugh extra hard at those parts, and throw raisinettes liberally to punctuate the hilarity.

Sadly all was not awesome in the darkened world of theater going, and I had to pull my pants up in disgust after wasting a few moments watching...

Lars and the Real Girl...now i can swallow some retarded guy in the god forsaken frozen north buying a rubber woman to keep him company on those long cold nights...but how in the fuck did the film makers expect me to believe that said retard would be the object of pursuit by regular women?

Cat is either a full blown spazz or incredibly stupid, and yet when he's at church some dingbat is trying to set him up with some chick. Maybe this chick was bent askew too so I'll cut them some slack, but next thing we see is stupid chief showing up to his job, (and just how does a half catatonic moron like that idiot hold down a white collar job anyway?), and some mousy broad is at his cubicle trying in vain to get his attention.

Not only is he slow and dull and mildly retarded at best, and absolutely fucking nuts at worst, he's greasy haired and slovenly. Maybe in Russia those sluts go for guys like that, but in the USA I don't know too many retarded slobs who have to beat off the broads with their mouse pads. Hot shot doesn't even acknowledge the girl when she suggests they car pool, and instead blows past her, prompting the office wag to mock her for coming on too strong.

Where is the office wit mocking her for pursuing a guy who is dirty and PLAINLY RETARDED! "Hey Susie, I know you haven't had a boyfriend in awhile, but um, you're aware that Lars is kind of...umm...psychotic?"

So I ejected that crap and won't dare watch it again.

Thankfully Transporter 3 is on the way and baby jesus has seen fit to reward my awesomeness with a double dose of Statham and Seann William Scott in November! Truly we have something to be thankful for, and if there is a god, which there isn't, but if there is, and I make it to heaven, I will thank him for Crank, and the Transporter series, and Seann William Scott's performance in Old School, before I douse his cloud in gasoline and set him and his faggy coterie of angels on fire.
Really god? This world is the best you could come up with? Take your harp and go fuck yourself you inept sack of shit.

Vote or Hang yourself!

So I'm watching a commercial and some douchebag is going on about how bowflex has transformed him after working about 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week...he dropped a lot of weight and feels great.

He then says he gave all his fat clothes to his fat friends...what the fuck is that all about? Why is he still hanging around fat people? What is the point of spending all that money on exercise equipment, working out for months, becoming a ripped Adonis, only to retain your fat loser friends? That clown should choke himself between the bands of his ridiculous machine.

If you are going to transform yourself into a hunka hunka gorgeousness, the most important weight you can lose is the collective flab that is your fat former friends!

As if this ass turd couldn't get any dumber he goes on to say how when his wife now sees his new killer body she gives him a little "wink"...haha...hey douchebag..why haven't you left her? If you're already married what the fuck are you wasting your time working out for? ...either get fat and happy...or lose the weight and the sea hag. You went to the trouble of losing weight and gaining muscle tone for your wife?? That's like taking a sports car driving class and then sticking with your shit box Chevy Nova.

The only winking she should be doing is blinking her eyes open and shut in despairing disbelief as you take your new chiseled physique out the door and to the nearest high school. Maybe if she had soaked the bowflex seat with a little sweat off her own fat ass you wouldn't be leaving her for that teenager with grossly low self esteem!

Lesson learned babycakes, put down the Cheetos and join the fucking gym.

Oh yeah don't forget to vote.