Silk

Silk is a fine film where not a lot happens and you wonder why in the heck and who in the hell would even make this exercise in pretty nothingness. It features that sleepy dopey looking actor Mike Pitt and two beautiful Asian chicks, and also the English Natalie Portman, Keira "I ain't anorexic" Knightley.

Now I've always had a hard spot in my heart for Keira since she was cast in the terrible (never seen it of course) King Arthur as a warrior woman Lady Guinevere, and proudly stated in an interview that "Guinevere kicked butt!"

Maybe she did, (she didn't), but if in fact she did I'm sure she weighed more than the emaciated 85 pound Knightley. I highly doubt that sickly wench can even lift a spoon full of milk drenched Weetabix, much less wield a sword or pull a bow string back.

It's just shitty casting is all I'm saying...but I digress...

Silk is beautiful film to look at, especially the Asian chicks, one of whom is a whore, and it contains one of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema! No joke!

Mike Pitt plays a sleepy Frenchman who goes to Japan in the 1800s to pick up some silk worm eggs so he can bring em back to France and they can hatch and spin silk with the help of a saucy Alfred Molina. While in Japan, Pitt, although happily married and deeply in love with the gaunt and stupid Knightly, falls for the belle concubine of some Japanese warlord/silk egg magnate. Careful ladies! Don't you go sending your man off to collect worm eggs if you want to hold onto him!

Anyhoo, even though Pitt don't speak no Japanese, and broad don't speak English or french or much of anything at all...those two crazy kids fall in love, and when he has to go back to France she passes him a note in secret.

Problem one for Pitt...he looks too stupid to read.

Problem two, even if he can read...he sure as shit don't understand Japanese, in which the note is written, and can't very well go to the husband/warlord/silkworm titan and ask him, "Hey brosuf, mind translating the note your hot piece of ass geisha girl wrote me?"

So Fucknut goes all the way back to France not knowing what this little Asian minx wrote him. Molina to the rescue! Of course that portly fucker knows of a dynamite, and pricey, Japanese whore residing in Paris or some such place, and advises Pitt to look her up, but bring your wallet, cause her gash don't come cheap!

When Pitt meets her she is well dressed, undoubtedly smells real nice, and has the air of a real bitch, like all good whores do. She dispenses with polite ceremony and bluntly asks the dopey looking ass clown, "what makes you think you can afford to sleep with me?"

Dude retorts sleepily, "I don't want to fuck you, I just need you to translate this shit"...or something like that...

Hot Asian cumslut takes the Japanese girl's note to Pitt and reads it, "Come back or I'll die."

"That's it?" Pitt says.

"That's it."

Turns out Japanese chick was a woman of few words, but apparently was going to miss Mr Pitt something awful.

Pitt gets up and reaches for his wad of cash and starts peeling off some big bills...hot Asian whore watches him for a moment and says, "Forget about it."

Sleepy boy pauses...then Asian whore speaks again..."Not the money, the note. Forget about the note and the girl who wrote it... You know she's not really going to die."

Wow...I'm sure if 6 billion people watch this film about silk worms 6 billion think Asian slut is thinking..."Aww I can't charge you dopey! You didn't even fuck me! It's my pleasure to translate such a beautifully romantic note from across the sea! No charge!"

But no! Bitchy Asian slut wants the cash and turns out to be a delightfully jaded realist..."She's not really going to die."

Haha..of course Pitt doesn't take the sound advice, though he has sense enough to leave a substantial amount of cash for Asian slut, cause she looked like she would have slit his throat had he not.

Long film shortened...he goes back to japan, warlord worm dude prevents him from seeing hot little Japanese concubine, who does not in fact die and probably gets over Pitt soon enough...I mean it's not like they had much in common, or even talked.

He goes back to France, Knightley finds out about his love of Asian chicks, dies of some disease, and he winds up alone on a bench with some goofy gardener boy, a widower, and pining away for his harajuku girl whom he'll never see again. Nice job! About time we had a real love story that dealt with real issues, like how the language barrier can be a problem and the silk worm industry is capricious.

And what of Asian whore? Well we'll just have to wait for the sequel!