Baby Jesus On Twitter

Baby Jesus was drinkin some Fanta and throwing corn chips at the tv when I asked him about Twitter.

"Hey Baby Jesus, you're a pretty hip baby. You getting involved with that whole Twitter thing?"

Baby Jesus belched and cast a dirty look my way.

"Do you tweet?" I persisted.

He crushed a chip in his pudgy little fist. "Don't waste my fucking time man. Can't you see I'm watchin tv?"

I chuckled. Such a grouchy baby sometimes! "So I take it you're against Twitter."

"I got news for you. 99% of people on this planet I created are boring and stupid, and should really never even fucking talk, much less bombard me or anyone else with pathetic little updates on the miserable goings on in their pathetic little lives."

"I'm gonna tweet my peeps now that you just slammed Twittering."

Baby Jesus hit me with a fistful of corn chips. "That's exactly what I'm fucking talking about! Look at me. I'm fucking fascinating. I'm goddamned Baby Jesus! Sure as shit I'm more interesting than any of the other assholes on this globe. But would even I dare to waste peoples time by punching out some asinine banality like "I'm watching tv and throwing salty snacks at a douchebag?"

"I would read that Tweet."

"You're a fucking asshole."

"That'll make a good tweet. Baby Jesus just called me an asshole."

Baby Jesus Interviews DJ AM Inexplicably

Baby Jesus Interviews DJ AM

Baby Jesus adjusts his diaper and then fixes his gaze on DJ AM:

"So DJ AM, dickish name by the way, what have you got to say for yourself?"

DJ AM shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"What do you mean?" Looks around nervously. "I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're here to be fucking interviewed. I know talking intelligently might be harder for you then pressing play and holding a headphone to your tiny head, but try and spit something halfway decent out when I waste my time and deign to talk to you. OK fuckface?"

DJ AM nods. "Uh sure. I guess."

"Look shithead, we can at least agree you're talentless, and an obvious douchebag, and yet still somehow I gave you fame and fortune.."

DJ AM interrupts Baby Jesus. "Uh what? No. Wait. Umm I'm not agreeing to that. I'm uh, not a douchebag."

"Hey, fucko. This isn't a debate. You have no talent and you're obviously a dick. You want to get into semantics about whether you're more of a dick than a douchebag, save that for Seacrest. We'll just agree you're 9/10ths an asshole and a total fucking tool. How bout that?"

DJ AM looks around uncomfortably. "I don't know if I want to do this. I mean I'm not. How did I even get here? Did my plane crash again?"

"One: fuck you. Two: I give you fame and fortune, and you parlay that into an engagement with Nicole Richie. Really asshole? I'm gonna grow up and get crucified for you fuckheads and you repay my largess and sacrifice by getting engaged to some dopey broad who weighs 75 pounds?"

"What? Not cool man? Is this heaven? That's not very nice if we're in heaven."

"Holy shit you are a clown. You think I'm gonna let your sorry ass stink up heaven? Enjoy this life Captain Cumstain, cause you ain't getting a whiff of paradise, you anorexic-fucking no talent cunthead."

"Fuck man. You got a mouth on you. Did my agent set this up?"

"Motherfucker this interview is over."

Baby Jesus Watches TV

Baby Jesus and me were watching tv when he let one rip. I waved my hand in front of my face..."Jesus Baby Jesus, that one reeks."

He flipped channels..."I regard that fart with more esteem than I do all of humanity."

I pinched my nose, which caused my retort to come out a little squeaky sounding. "That's harsh bro."

Baby Jesus bit his little baby lips. "I mean just look at this year so fucking far. 2000 plus years since I popped out and you idiots are still dicking around. What the fuck did I get up on that cross for? I turn to one channel and I see my boy Vince, the Sham Wow guy, slinging a great new product, the Slap Chop, but then I flip to the news and find out he's been arrested for pummeling some 1000 buck a night whore. I make that guy a star and he pisses it away."

"Those Miami whores can be prickly Baby Jesus."

"And those fucking clowns who were swindled by Bernie Madoff. Didn't they pay attention when I went after the money lenders? Did they think that was some kind of fucking joke? That I wouldn't have rather have been eating lamb or some shit? And now some of those losers want the government to reimburse them. Holy shit, maybe they ought to figure out how capitalism works. Sometimes you get burned assholes...especially if you're fucking greedy and stupid."

"Are you finished farting Baby Jesus? My nose is starting to hurt from all this pinching."

He checked his diaper. "Looks clean down there. Just a little stain...which is shaped like A-Rod of all things."

"That's weird Baby Jesus. I wonder if his underwear stains form the shape of your mother."

Baby Jesus gave me a real hard look after that quip, and his pudgy cheeks got all scrunched up. "As if my moms would put her image on a fucking taco or a slice of toast. I give that asshole A-Rod fame and fortune and he sticks needles in his stupid ass, and, even worse, he frosts his fucking hair! Do you think I hung on that cross for hours so some baseball playing dickface choke artist could frost his fucking hair?"

Just then a commercial for Paul Blart: Mall Cop came on and Baby Jesus told me to shut up. "I love this fucking guy. Check him out. He's fat and he's on that scooter thing you assholes made a big deal about a few years ago."

Baby Jesus Don't Like Tim Tebow

Baby Jesus and me were watching tv when I asked him why he was such a front runner.

He pulled the formula bottle from his mouth and a little of it dribbled on his chin in the cutest way. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

I wasn't intimidated by Baby Jesus cause he has pudgy little legs and I never take fat people seriously. "Your perfect little ears deaf Baby Jesus? You're a front runner!"

"What makes you say that? Aside from being a dick I mean."

"Well how come every time I watch sports, the winning athlete thanks you? Why are you playing favorites?"

"One, you're a douchebag. Two, I don't help teams. You think I give a diaper rash about some redneck driving in a circle for 3 hours or some roided up jerk off hitting home runs?"

"You mean you don't love Tim Tebow as much as he loves you?"

Baby Jesus pulled his little perfect dick out and pissed right there on the floor. "You take a thimble full of average run of the mill piss. Not that my piss is average of course...but anyway. See that piss? That's how much I care about Tim Tebow. That stupid fucker better enjoy college, cause last time I checked slow stupid weak armed dickheads don't last very long at QB in the NFL."

"He seems rather fond of you."

"That hick didn't want to be named to the Playboy All-American team cause he thought it immoral or something? What bible did this faggot read? Where in the Gospel does it say that Baby Jesus doesn't like pussy?"

"Is it in Luke?" I offered, unhelpfully.

"I think I'm gonna make him lose next year, and afterwards I'm going to force him to say on camera, "Baby Jesus spurned me cause I act like I'm above hot chicks with big fake tits. That's why I threw 3 interceptions and fumbled twice. Cause my stupidity and arrogance is an affront to god".

"That would be one stupid dope mad crazy post game press conference baby Jesus."

He gave me a little pudgy fist bump, which he patented.