Baby Jesus Watches TV

Baby Jesus and me were watching tv when he let one rip. I waved my hand in front of my face..."Jesus Baby Jesus, that one reeks."

He flipped channels..."I regard that fart with more esteem than I do all of humanity."

I pinched my nose, which caused my retort to come out a little squeaky sounding. "That's harsh bro."

Baby Jesus bit his little baby lips. "I mean just look at this year so fucking far. 2000 plus years since I popped out and you idiots are still dicking around. What the fuck did I get up on that cross for? I turn to one channel and I see my boy Vince, the Sham Wow guy, slinging a great new product, the Slap Chop, but then I flip to the news and find out he's been arrested for pummeling some 1000 buck a night whore. I make that guy a star and he pisses it away."

"Those Miami whores can be prickly Baby Jesus."

"And those fucking clowns who were swindled by Bernie Madoff. Didn't they pay attention when I went after the money lenders? Did they think that was some kind of fucking joke? That I wouldn't have rather have been eating lamb or some shit? And now some of those losers want the government to reimburse them. Holy shit, maybe they ought to figure out how capitalism works. Sometimes you get burned assholes...especially if you're fucking greedy and stupid."

"Are you finished farting Baby Jesus? My nose is starting to hurt from all this pinching."

He checked his diaper. "Looks clean down there. Just a little stain...which is shaped like A-Rod of all things."

"That's weird Baby Jesus. I wonder if his underwear stains form the shape of your mother."

Baby Jesus gave me a real hard look after that quip, and his pudgy cheeks got all scrunched up. "As if my moms would put her image on a fucking taco or a slice of toast. I give that asshole A-Rod fame and fortune and he sticks needles in his stupid ass, and, even worse, he frosts his fucking hair! Do you think I hung on that cross for hours so some baseball playing dickface choke artist could frost his fucking hair?"

Just then a commercial for Paul Blart: Mall Cop came on and Baby Jesus told me to shut up. "I love this fucking guy. Check him out. He's fat and he's on that scooter thing you assholes made a big deal about a few years ago."