10 Harrowing War Deaths

1. Action Jackson Carl Weathers himself kicks the shit out of notorious right wing douchebag Craig T (T for Talentless) Nelson before that stupid redneck fuck is shot to death in Action Jackson. (If you don't think policing the mean streets of Detroit is war then you are fucking crazy and I don't got no time for your shit anyway)

What was harrowing about seeing a villain such as Craig T get his comeuppance? The harrowing memory of what he did to Vanity! Got her hooked on the drugs so he could have his Poltergeisty way with that Nubian angel. Rot in hell Craig T! Coach sucked!

2. "I heard two clicks!" Stupid fuck American paratrooper gets one in the gut and dies after using the little cricket noisemaking thingy in The Longest Day. Lesson learned Joe!

3. Jim Belushi cleans house and kills the aspirations of lawlessness and disrespect for authority in The Principal. (if you don't think controlling a high school in Detroit is war then you are fucking crazy...)

4. William Forsythe, right all along about that 5th column saboteur phony poseur Joe Huff/John Stone pig cop scum Brian Bosworth, is silenced before he can make the usually sensible Chains see the light, in Stone Cold.

5. Sam Neill dies...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! right after taking out the machine gun nest in a fantastically selfless and futile act of heroism in Attack Force Z (zed)

6. Bill Holden dies at the end of the pretty stupid and implausible Bridges at Toko Ri....wait a minute...Bill Holden dies at the end of Bridge on the River Kwai...after British scum Lady Alec Guiness turns traitor and whines like a little ninny girl for the Japanese to come kill him! Kill him! (Bill Holden should stay away from bridges apparently)

7. Dutch SS man takes a break from the scenic Russian countryside to vacate his bowels. Sits and dreams of tulips and chocolate perhaps when he hears the tinkling of...not pee pee...but glass! Oh my has that impish Soviet scamp tossed a potato masher grenade into the outhouse? He has! Blown up with his pants down and his ass dirty...not a good way for the smartly dressed Netherlander to go.

8. Laughing Cossack is killed by dueling Frenchmen when he simply wanted to enjoy a chuckle or two at their showdown in the Duelists.

9. Scientist and ass clown Bruce Sabbath bloody Sabbath is turned into a nerdy pulpy mess at the hands of the coldly menacing Andrew Katz in Dutch Kills.

10. George Peppard suffers engine trouble...and soon will plummet to his death in his experimental fighter as knowing German officers look on in The Blue Max. Ursula Andress smolders and somewhere, Holly Golightly looks to find a new gigolo boy toy to replace the gooey mass of Peppard that soon will splatter all across the Pomeranian plains.

Nic Cage...He's so gross

Horrible Nic Cage Movies Made Even More Atrocious by Especially Egregious Nic Cage Performances

1. The Rock...When a tourist attraction is taken over by a cutthroat mob of dumb as shit redneck marines led by the short and histrionic Ed Harris who you gonna call except a mopey looking moron with a receding hairline who brings his own special brand of hangdog stupidity to every role. Exactly. Casting one man bad acting blob Nic Cage is a sure fire way to turn an ordinary big budget shit fest into a gaping chasm of fecal celluloid, bubbling with awfulness that threatens to ooze over and consume the patience and will of any person of sense to ever sit through any movie ever again.

I can buy Ed Harris leading a bunch of idiots on some hare brained scheme to get millions through the use of insensibly placed rockets on Alcatraz, and I can certainly believe William Forsythe and Michael Biehn playing no nonsense heroes who take no shit and get results. To say nothing of Sean Connery playing a debonair man of action who combines the suave elegance of a seasoned diplomat with the killing skills of a back alley cutthroat.

What I can't buy is Nic Cage being competent, much less playing a scientist of some sort who is an expert at Toxicology. This man doesn't look like he could successfully sneeze, much less analyze the chemical composition of anything other than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made for dinner, and I'm sure he would somehow manage to botch that. "The jelly goes on the outside of the bread right?"

Is he cast because director's are hoping that by his connections they will be made key grip on Godfather 4?

Claire Forlani also appears, her pretty face ubiquitous and lacking in charm as usual.

2. Bangkok Dangerous...this was once exclusively the title of a charming little Thai film featuring a pretty Thai chick and lots of guys shooting one another. In Nic Cage's talentless hands it was transformed into a nonsensical mess, made all the more appalling by the stunningly bizarre and grotesque scene wherein a sweaty and awkward Cage messily eats in front of a deaf chick. The scene is completely extraneous and succeeds only in making the audience wince in horror at the staggering depth of Cage's hideousness.

3. The Family Man...would not any family with Cage at the head one day resort to collective suicide? I expected this film to be about 5 minutes long, with the opening scene establishing Cage as the head of household, followed by a quick cut of the mother/wife spooning cyanide into the kid's Kool-Aid before hanging herself in a desperate attempt at deliverance from daddy droopy. Instead it was a Frank Capra esque fantasy, with Cage standing in for Jimmy Stewart, and the audience standing in for execution victims. Unfortunately we were not graced with a quick bullet to the back of the head, but had to instead endure 90 minutes of visual strangulation, watching that sad faced human suck putrefy before us.

On the bright side I've come to the realization that sensibly enough I have managed to avoid the vast majority of that walking stain's movies, and will waste no further time highligting his cinematic atrocities. Kal-El is a stupid name for a kid too.

Great war movie moments featuring Mel Gibson, anti-semite extraordinaire:

A drunken Mel stated that the jews cause all the wars...in vino veritas?

Let's study his oeuvre, (and no that does not mean his cheekbones ladies! LOL LMFAO ROFL LSILSO (leaking shit i'm laughing so hard)...where was I? Oh yes, do his war films bear evidence of international jewry being the impetus behind all global conflict? Let's find out!

Attack Force Z (zed) La Gibson leads a commando unit, with Sam Neill along and wearing a cool hat, on a suicide mission to nab some diplomat (i.e. pussy), who they think could end the war...or some shit...Gibson and crew have to instantly dispatch one of their own after he breaks his leg playing soccer or something. Neill handles the duty with dignity, offering the hapless sap a little small talk and a cigarette before the burst from his submachine gun silences the trooper forever. They nab the diplomat with the help of some subterfuge and a little kung fu, but ultimately the entire commando force is wiped out, and Gibson himself sails into the sunset in anguish, the diplomat lying dead in the boat beside him.

What does this tell us about his theory on the jew? This was an early film from his unbiased youth and largely jew free, though the diplomat is an intellectual and looks like he has some money so perhaps La Gibson was saying, "try to help the jew and all your men will die".

In another scene the Dutch soldier of fortune eschews the chance to flee to freedom and instead stays behind to help Chinese villagers fight off the rampaging Japanese. His pretty Chinese concubine thus watches him die alongside her father as the menfolk are wiped out and the soldiers of the sun move on to the sea in pursuit of the fleeing Aussie commandos.

Jewish element in this scene is negligible, but their may be a sly comment on the wiles of the Chinese femme fatale.

Let us consider another Gibson war extravaganza shall we dear reader? Apocalypto...Jaguar Paw and his band of merry natives are wiped out by some especially vicious tattooed Mayan warriors. There doesn't seem to be much of a Jewish element in this flickity poo at all, although some Eurotrash do show up at the end, but they bear crosses and seem intent on bringing Christianity to the heathen, in addition to death and disease. Is Gibson blaming Jesus, a known Jew? It seems unlikely.

The Patriot...I'd rather not think about this little flick as it was rather terrible...and there is no overt Jewish element killing Heath Ledger.

Star Wars...intergalactic swashbuckler extraordinaire Han Solo gets into a heap of a mess chasing after unattractive jewess Carrie Fisher. This inexplicable pursuit of a rather plain dame doesn't seem to be the catalyst for interstellar conflict however, and La Gibson was in no way involved in the making of it. Thus we can dismiss it as evidence.

We'll pursue this fascinating look into La Gibson and his demons another time...let's review some films I haven't wasted my time seeing cause they are obviously horrendous shall we not?

Imagine That...I'd sooner imagine my body racked with diarrhea of the syphillis than watch this obvious piece of trash. Tranny hooker chasin Eddie Murphy makes a kiddie flick about stock picks with his inimitable brand of insipid wash up hackness. I imagine my own death by non-consensual buggery would be less painful. Don't plan on seeing it.

My Life in Ruins...Note to Hollywood...no fat chix. Wait a minute you mean I have the opportunity to pay money to sit in the dark for 2 hours and watch some hefty Greek broad bray on about feta cheese and octopus? Hold on I have to finish stabbing myself in the scrotum first. Don't plan on seein it.

Star Trek...for the love of god when do these space nerds die once and for all? Let me guess there's a laser beam of some sort and some intergalactic jerkwad sassin Kirk and blah blah blah...I don't buy John Cho kicking ass either. He's dynamite but a little fey. Don't plan on seein it, not even for 99 cents.

Why It Don't Pay 2 B Gorgeous

Why It Don't Pay to Be Gorgeous

People always said to me when I was a wee lad, and adorable, "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE!! YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE SO DREAMY SCRUMPTIOUS!"

Should I have been spending so much time hanging around priests? Probably not, but then again they had the best candy and I had a sweet tooth. When not scarfing down sweet things and fending off greasy wine soaked hands I watched a lot of cinema, and I learned that it just don't pay to be so beautiful.

Exhibit A. Jan Michael Vincent...one of the more gorgeous hunks of gorgeosity ever to explode upon the screen. From his turn as surf god in Big Wednesday, to apprentice hitman in the Mechanic, this cat made broads drool and gay boys prance. Then he got into drugs and turned into Nick Nolte. Gross. He would have been better served looking like Ned Beatty his whole life.

B. Mickey Rourke...chicks loved this bad boy of 80's cinema. He had a reckless sex appeal not seen since Fatty Arbuckle went crazy at the ice machine. Was it the drugs? The booze? The boxing? Who gives a shit he's gross.

C. Eric Roberts...prettier than Julia and more talented too...something went wrong with this prick.

D. Michael Pare...just kidding...still gorgeous.

E. Brian Bosworth...what the fuck Boz?

F. Jean Claude Van Dammage...apparently being a total fucking idiot isn't always bliss. This Belgian nutsack pissed away a solid career making shit ass B films to do what? I have no fucking idea.

G. Val Kilmer...from Real Genius to Top Gun to Tombstone...this fucker looked a little retarded but still had the razzmatazz and sex appeal that made chix gush...then he became a fatty boombalatty and started playing queers.

H. Sasha Mitchell...I can't believe it. Half Irish, where he gets his good looks, this man could also kick ass. Apparently looks, fame and wealth weren't enough for all the preceding douchebags and they have all fallen on hard times.

Perhaps in order to enjoy sustained happiness it's better to be ugly and talentless...right Tom Hanks? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH feel the burn Hanks!