Why It Don't Pay 2 B Gorgeous

Why It Don't Pay to Be Gorgeous

People always said to me when I was a wee lad, and adorable, "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE!! YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE SO DREAMY SCRUMPTIOUS!"

Should I have been spending so much time hanging around priests? Probably not, but then again they had the best candy and I had a sweet tooth. When not scarfing down sweet things and fending off greasy wine soaked hands I watched a lot of cinema, and I learned that it just don't pay to be so beautiful.

Exhibit A. Jan Michael Vincent...one of the more gorgeous hunks of gorgeosity ever to explode upon the screen. From his turn as surf god in Big Wednesday, to apprentice hitman in the Mechanic, this cat made broads drool and gay boys prance. Then he got into drugs and turned into Nick Nolte. Gross. He would have been better served looking like Ned Beatty his whole life.

B. Mickey Rourke...chicks loved this bad boy of 80's cinema. He had a reckless sex appeal not seen since Fatty Arbuckle went crazy at the ice machine. Was it the drugs? The booze? The boxing? Who gives a shit he's gross.

C. Eric Roberts...prettier than Julia and more talented too...something went wrong with this prick.

D. Michael Pare...just kidding...still gorgeous.

E. Brian Bosworth...what the fuck Boz?

F. Jean Claude Van Dammage...apparently being a total fucking idiot isn't always bliss. This Belgian nutsack pissed away a solid career making shit ass B films to do what? I have no fucking idea.

G. Val Kilmer...from Real Genius to Top Gun to Tombstone...this fucker looked a little retarded but still had the razzmatazz and sex appeal that made chix gush...then he became a fatty boombalatty and started playing queers.

H. Sasha Mitchell...I can't believe it. Half Irish, where he gets his good looks, this man could also kick ass. Apparently looks, fame and wealth weren't enough for all the preceding douchebags and they have all fallen on hard times.

Perhaps in order to enjoy sustained happiness it's better to be ugly and talentless...right Tom Hanks? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH feel the burn Hanks!