Horrible Nic Cage Movies Made Even More Atrocious by Especially Egregious Nic Cage Performances
1. The Rock...When a tourist attraction is taken over by a cutthroat mob of dumb as shit redneck marines led by the short and histrionic Ed Harris who you gonna call except a mopey looking moron with a receding hairline who brings his own special brand of hangdog stupidity to every role. Exactly. Casting one man bad acting blob Nic Cage is a sure fire way to turn an ordinary big budget shit fest into a gaping chasm of fecal celluloid, bubbling with awfulness that threatens to ooze over and consume the patience and will of any person of sense to ever sit through any movie ever again.
I can buy Ed Harris leading a bunch of idiots on some hare brained scheme to get millions through the use of insensibly placed rockets on Alcatraz, and I can certainly believe William Forsythe and Michael Biehn playing no nonsense heroes who take no shit and get results. To say nothing of Sean Connery playing a debonair man of action who combines the suave elegance of a seasoned diplomat with the killing skills of a back alley cutthroat.
What I can't buy is Nic Cage being competent, much less playing a scientist of some sort who is an expert at Toxicology. This man doesn't look like he could successfully sneeze, much less analyze the chemical composition of anything other than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made for dinner, and I'm sure he would somehow manage to botch that. "The jelly goes on the outside of the bread right?"
Is he cast because director's are hoping that by his connections they will be made key grip on Godfather 4?
Claire Forlani also appears, her pretty face ubiquitous and lacking in charm as usual.
2. Bangkok Dangerous...this was once exclusively the title of a charming little Thai film featuring a pretty Thai chick and lots of guys shooting one another. In Nic Cage's talentless hands it was transformed into a nonsensical mess, made all the more appalling by the stunningly bizarre and grotesque scene wherein a sweaty and awkward Cage messily eats in front of a deaf chick. The scene is completely extraneous and succeeds only in making the audience wince in horror at the staggering depth of Cage's hideousness.
3. The Family Man...would not any family with Cage at the head one day resort to collective suicide? I expected this film to be about 5 minutes long, with the opening scene establishing Cage as the head of household, followed by a quick cut of the mother/wife spooning cyanide into the kid's Kool-Aid before hanging herself in a desperate attempt at deliverance from daddy droopy. Instead it was a Frank Capra esque fantasy, with Cage standing in for Jimmy Stewart, and the audience standing in for execution victims. Unfortunately we were not graced with a quick bullet to the back of the head, but had to instead endure 90 minutes of visual strangulation, watching that sad faced human suck putrefy before us.
On the bright side I've come to the realization that sensibly enough I have managed to avoid the vast majority of that walking stain's movies, and will waste no further time highligting his cinematic atrocities. Kal-El is a stupid name for a kid too.
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