Baby Jesus and Tiger Woods

I was watching porn with lil' baby jesus and suddenly I was jolted out of my joy when that pint sized holy fuck changed the channel to golf.

"Are you shittin me Baby J? I'm watchin some Asian chick give a premium bj in HD and you turn to golf?"

He sucked on a Cheeto. "Relax homeslice, I just want to see what all the Tiger Woods fuss is about."

"What the fuck is there to know about Jesus? He's a dumb shit who got married like a moron and then cheated on his wife with a hundred or so skanks."

Baby J shook his adorable pudgy head. "I don't know why people are judgin him so harshly bro...I mean I had my fun too you know."

I rolled my eyes cause I knew that immortal motherfucker had a tendency to tell some whoppers. "You Jesus? I always took you for a bit of a pussy. I mean weren't you a virgin like your mom?"

He tried to hit me with a Cheeto but I was ready for that weak ass move and batted it away.

"Virgin my diaper covered ass man. I was all up in that Holy Land puss-ay. It's in the bible chump."

"What? You just dicked around with lepers and shit. I don't remember reading about you tag teaming some belly dancers."

"Mary Magdelane ring a bell?"

"That ho? According to the bible she just washed your feet when she wasn't busy blowing half the rabbis and centurions in Jerusalem."

He shook his head. "Man 'washing feet' is a biblical euphemism for rimjob. Bitch cleaned my ass out like it was her last supper."

I got up to take a piss. "Bullshit."

He shrugged, "Whatever man. All I'm sayin is that if I, the lord and savior of your sorry Jersey Shore watchin asses, can fool around with sluts, everyone should lay off that phony poonhound Tiger's back, even if he has horrid taste in broads."

Jesus Saves a Party

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Jesus Gets Hassled

Baby Jesus was enjoying Sofia Vergara's breasts on tv when he said to me, "Man this is sweet...but things weren't always so easy for me..."

I hit him flush in the face with a Twinkie. "What do you mean Baby J?"

He sighed..."Sometimes it was a hassle being the son of god....like one day I was walking along and I'm approached by Schlomo, a real douchey motherfucker, you know the type...so he comes at me like he's my best friend in the world and says "Hey Jesus...what's goin on buddy?

I nod, bored like,"Just chillin man...you know...doin my thing."

Schlomo laughs this fake ass laugh that always made me grit my perfect teeth..."I hear you man," he says, "...you look great bro...love the robe...hey! heard what you did with Lazarus...raised him from the dead...that's awesome man...bad ass."

I shrugged, "Yeah...Laz needed a little boost...I gave it to him that's all...no big deal...besides he owed me a few shekels and I wasn't getting those back with him in the ground."

Schlomo slaps me on the back..."Always so modest J C...you're the man...really that's great...I saw Lazarus the other day...I mean you really raised his ass...didn't just make him a vegetable so he's technically alive but all fucked up. He was out and about...saw him down at the gladiator arena screaming his head off...he had big money wagered on this one lion to win."

I raised my eyebrow skeptically cause I figured he was full of shit as usual...he kept talking, "Anyway Jesus that's kinda why I stopped you...really loved what you did with Lazarus...and umm...well I got this Aunt Helga...well I had...cause she died you see...run over by a chariot...anyway she's dead now and we were hoping you could do your whole raisin' from the dead thing with her...whenever you get the chance you know."

I kept walking cause I really didn't want to help this dick..."I don't know man, I'm pretty busy."

"Sure Jesus sure...I know you got things to do...whenever you get the chance man...I mean she's not going anywhere right!" He laughs and I just shake my head.

"...don't you worry Jesus we won't bury her...you won't have to dig her up or anything...we just got her lying in the back of our place...so if you could just drop by and do your hocus pocus..."

I held my hand up cause I just wanted to be rid of this fool, "Listen brosuf, I have to go to the desert...meeting the devil for something...he's gonna test me and shit...so I don't know when I'd get the chance for your uncle."

"Aunt..Aunt Helga...look Jesus we'd really appreciate it....she makes this great fig dish...or did...we haven't had it since she died and we really miss it...tell you what...as soon as you revive her we'll have her make it and give you first taste...mark my words...her fig dish alone is worth raisin' her from the dead!"

I spat out the date I was chewing on. "Look man...I just don't want to be pigeonholed as the "dude who raises people from the dead" ...I mean I got a lot of talents you know."

"Sure Jesus sure...we just thought you could help us out this one time."

"That's just it...would it be one time? I mean if I raise your aunt from the dead...someone else is gonna die right? People are dying every day in this motherfucker. So now I gotta raise them or else I'm a dick right?...Next thing you know I'm spending all day every day raisin' people up...and then it's pets!...I just know someones gonna come at me with a camel that choked on a chicken bone..."Oh Jesus could you raise our dead camel up please!"...I mean I'm the son of god and shit...I got important stuff do do...I gotta practice my water walking, clean out the temple...all kinds of stuff."

Schlomo didn't take too kindly to the lamb of god blow off.

"Ohhh sorry jesus...didn't realize you were too busy to help someone...I guess you gotta have time to brush that hair of yours too right? Thanks for nothing you fucking faggot."

So I'm pissed hearing that right? Cause I gotta turn the cheek when this punk ass fucknut disses me like that. That's my thing too. Turning the other cheek and shit even when some limp dick sasses me. And why does he gotta bring the hair into it? I was blessed with great hair and I take care of it. It inspires people.

I hit Baby Jesus with another Twinkie...look like you got Twinkie jizz in your hair now hotshot.

GFE!

Little Baby Jesus was in an especially foul mood. Either he was teething or someone had run afoul of his pet cause...hookers.

"What's shaking baby J?" I asked.

He spat tapioca at the screen. "I just watched The Girlfriend Experience. Leave it to Steven Soderburgh to make a movie about a whore boring...this joins Girl 6 and Eyes Wide Shut as movies I'm convinced were made just because horny but repressed directors wanted to be around hot girls and smut all day but were married or otherwise inhibited."

I nodded, cause little baby Jesus usually makes the most sense when he's drunk. "So he made a movie about a high class whore...casting a real porn star famous for asking to be punched during her first filmed sex scene...that sounds interesting. I like to watch movies about whores."

Baby Jesus squooshed his Smurf doll in a rage. "You would think! But instead of sex or anything interesting that bespectacled ass-clown had a bunch of non-actors improv about the economy."

I laughed, convinced baby Jesus was jerking my chain...which he also likes to do when wasted. "Bullshit baby J. Non-actors doing improved riffs on the economy? Nobody would watch that. People do like to see hot chicks get fucked though."

"Yeah? Well it turns out that when you hire this particular slut and ask for the girlfriend experience all you get is a vacant chick who nods as you yammer on about the price of gold."

"Was the director making a statement about how boring people are? And how even whores lead banal lives?"

Baby Jesus fired his rifle into the ceiling...which he often did to help calm his little baby nerves. "I think the director made a statement about what a boring pretentious hack he is. I bet that fucker is impotent too. Puto."

I tried to relax him by bringing up Norway, cause he loved lutefisk. "Well have you seen O'Horten?"

He put a bullet right through Scandinavia on the globe that sat atop the television. "Vikings used to pillage and rape...and now their ancestors make shitty dull flicks about old men on trains. Oslo can suck it."

"Ok baby Jesus...you're in a mood. Is your diaper full?"

He nodded. "I haven't changed it in days. I'm hoping to run into Quentin Tartantino so I can feed it to him."

"I take it you didn't care for Inglourious Basterds." I knew Lil' baby jesus was a stickler for spelling.

Baby Jesus pulled out his pipe and sucked. "What a silly little movie. Does Quenty think he's getting even? What's the score now...Nazis 6,000,000 Tarantino 1?"

I shrugged. "Those SS sure were long winded. I never realized Nazis were so fond of the chit chat! And milk. Liked to order milk for the ladies. And strudel with cream. Very fancy those SS."

The little lord and savior scowled. "I think that was because they had some actor "act" like a SS Colonel. I can't believe they gave an award to that guy. Just like Colonel Trautman in Rambo!"

As I knew Rambo was a sore spot with baby jesus I held my tongue. He continued to fume.

"An Oscar to that flouncer! Was Sean Hayes busy? Ricky Martin would have made a more convincing Nazi. How can you mince so much with a Death's Head on your cap? I mean crap even Ralph Fiennes was more menacing and he's English!"

"He might be Welsh...that's why he can't spell his own name."

"Don't get me started on the spelling. Was that movie originally supposed to be a cartoon?"

I shrugged again. "I was just pissed that Til Schweiger got killed. When you got a talent like Schweiger you keep him around! That should be the first rule of cinema baby jesus. It was just like in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo when he played Heinz Hummer, the gigolo with the most below. You just come to love Til and pow! He gets killed. That was still a great movie though. Do you think Assapopolous will get an Oscar in heaven?"

"Balls! The Sam Jackson voiceover? How distracting and forced was that? The blonde jewess runs away after her family gets shot under the floorboards...next she is running a theater in Paris. Huh? I mean I'm baby Jesus coming out of a virgin coos and even I found most of that story hard to believe."

"Yeah...although there's a lot of shit in the bible that is kind of ridiculous baby J."

He rolled his adorable little baby eyes. "And the tavern scene? So damn dumb. I regret making humanity so stupid that some people would actually praise that empty nonsense."

"Well what about High School Musical? Humanity appreciates the shit outta that."

"Fuck man I got some shit right. Selena Gomez is rock solid."

He gave me a fist bump after that, cause I know he is real proud of the way the Tis, Lovato, and the rest of the Disney crew turned out.

Holy Shizznit

Baby Jesus and me were watching TV and he was hoggin the remote again...like a little pudgy douche.

"C'mon baby Jesus turn this fuckin' channel," I said, "it's not like any of these real housewives are good looking."

He squeezed the remote..."I find these dizzy dames fascinating. They're such whores. Nothing like my dear sainted mother."

I rolled my eyes. "Your mother was a prude dude."

Little baby Jesus scowled at me, and yes he does look adorable when he scowls. "The Virgin Mary? Mother of God? You're calling her a prude?"

I nodded as I watched some dopey unattractive broad gush about her $500 dollar shoes on the tube...as if anyone had any interest in that dusty skank's feet. "Hell yeah she was a prude baby Jesus. I could call her worse but I don't want to insult you."

He gave me the finger. "Oh you're so fucking kind. My mom was as pure as driven snow. Or sand that hadn't been soiled by camel shit...cause there wasn't much snow in Bethlehem now that I think about it."

"What is so great about being a virgin anyway? I bet Joseph wasn't too thrilled with Mary. Guy's slaving away building chariots and pillories in his carpenter shop all day and then he has to come home to a cold dinner and a handjob? That's bullshit. With broads like that it's no wonder Judas turned traitor."

"Judas...that motherfucker."

"And because of your mom virginity has been looked upon as noble for centuries...now what good has that done any of us? It's unnatural, it keeps a lot of guys from getting any, and it makes girls feel bad when they finally do get screwed."

Baby Jesus sucked on his bottle. "We're not like the Greeks...God wasn't going to come down and impregnate my mom, so she could have me. I couldn't just shoot out like everyone else."

"Did you crawl past an intact hymen?"

He raised his adorable little eyebrow at me. "Hmm I don't really remember...I think I just sort of eased my way out."

"Well I don't see how...what with her hymen still there."

He shrugged his cute little shoulders. "All I know is that stable smelled like shit. That frankincense and myrrh was needed brosuf! You think those donkeys and sheep would ease off on the crappin' when the Lord and Savior was making his debut!"

I nodded..."Speaking of the poop chute...why didn't your moms get impregnated through anal? That would have been a real immaculate conception...and it would have encouraged chicks to take it in the butt! What could be holier than bending over and taking it in the holiest of holes after that?"

"Would I have been shat out? You're talking crazy man."

While he was pondering that I used his befuddlement to seize the remote. "Suck it baby jesus! We're watching Melrose Place now! This Asian chick is a doctor by day and a call girl by night. Maybe this episode they'll reveal how much she charges for Greek."

Boobies are god's bestest miracles

Baby Jesus and me were watchin' tv and a shampoo commercial came on, and that got me to thinking about what a fuckin show off Jesus was.

So I says to little baby Jesus, "You dandy motherfucker. What's with that beautiful head of hair you used to run around with? Think of how jealous the stable cleaners and chariot repairmen must have been. 'Son of god and great hair...son of a bitch...my life sucks.'"

Baby Jesus hit me flush in the face with a pudgy fistful of Cheetos.

"Ohh typical response baby Jesus. Your shit is so weak. Miracle man my ass."

He shook his adorable baby head. "Listen homeslice. You're lucky my show's in commercial right now or I'd get miraculous all over your ass, and not in the good way."

I shot him with my Nerf gun. "Whatever Jesus. I've been reading about your miracles. Weak ass bullshit. You raised Lazarus from the dead. Big fucking deal! What, no one else died that week? You raise one dude and that's that?"

Baby Jesus dipped a Cheeto into guacamole. "Whoa man...that was a crazy time. I had some shit going on with Satan or something. And my dad was on my ass about some heavy shit."

I didn't buy it. Human Target came back on and we both got distracted by the tits on the screen. I was jolted back to baby jesus and his punk ass bullshit when he farted. "Satan, your dad...always passing the buck baby jesus...which one of them you gonna blame for that fart?"

He pulled on his diaper and cut another one. "I always take credit for my farts brosuf."

I fired a Nerf dart right off his adorable head. "How bout that other big "miracle" of yours. Turnin' water into wine was it? Big fucking deal! Jesus Christ baby Jesus what a fucking waste of time. So you can raise the dead, part seas, make tits bigger whatever...you're fucking Jesus, but you waste your miraculous powers one night saving a party? Was it Mary Magdelane's sweet sixteen or some shit?"

He bit his little baby lip. "Ooo you want to talk about miracles...that broad had a tight ass vag even though she was a prostitute."

I scoffed. "How the fuck would you know baby Jesus? And don't change the subject. You're the son of god and your using your powers to stretch some bread and wine and shit at a shindig? Weak."

"Easy chief. The longer that party lasted the better chances some of those nerdier Galileans had of getting laid. You don't know how my mind works."

I cut baby Jesus some slack after that.