A is for A-Hole

I believe the mailmen are conspiring against me...what other explanation for their failure to deliver movies starring Vanity to me? In her smutty/delicious absence I have resorted to viewing basketball and hockey playoffs. This brings to mind Beyonce, and the worst names in sport, which burn my britches, if I wore any that is.

1. New Jersey Nets

You gotta be fucking kidding me. How bout a baseball team named the Kansas City Home Plates? A hockey team named the Cleveland Ice Surface? That is how fucking ridiculous that swamp infested shithole state's team name is. No wonder they fucking suck like a syphilis ridden teen the garden state is so chock full of. Fuck Zach Braff, Bruce Springsteen, and the collection of brain dead assholes who had the mind numbing audacity to submit that pathetic excuse for a professional sports team's name. How the fuck did that pass any kind of scrutiny? Were they given 10 seconds to name the team or else they would be killed, and Nets was the first thing that came to mind? Rumor had it that they were considering changing it to Swamp Dragons, which, although ridiculous and stupid, is also original and awesome, and relevant to the state itself, what with it being swamp ridden and filled with women who stink like lizards and look worse. Fuck you Bon Jovi you greasy cocksuckers.

2. Minnesota Wild

This frozen wasteland had their shit ass team the North Stars move to Texas, and for some reason baby jesus saw fit to give those North Dakota wannabe losers another team, and they go and name it the Wild. Pardon me, it doesn't even have the "the", like the cool as can be Boogie Down Bronx. Just Wild. Do those fucktards think that's clever? They run out of ink before they could put cats at the end of that? Wildcats is unoriginal, somewhat boring, and yet still a hundred times better than this ode to Skid Row, or whatever the fuck the intention those ice ridden rednecks had in mind. Wild what? You are a bunch of fucking retards.

3. Colorado Avalanche

As you can see I get kind of worked up when I think about this shit. All the money and effort that goes in to bringing a sports franchise into a city, and one can name it a million different things. So many options! So much time to come up with one! And if nothing brilliant comes to mind you can always fall back on Tigers, Eagles, Bears...which lend themselves to cool mascots and uniforms and everything. But no, those Coors drinking ass clowns had to be whimsical, and name themselves after a natural disaster, which might have been OK had it been Tornadoes, or some shit like that, but not Avalanche. Is that plural or singular? Do you call them Avalanchers? How bout I slap the douchebag who submitted that name in his stupid fucking face? And what brilliant symbol did they pay a graphic designer to concoct to go with that incredible team name? A big letter A with some snow swirling around it. Jesus fucking christ a retarded monkey high on glue could come up with a better symbol than that. I wish Dave Thomas had bought this franchise and named it after his daughter. The Colorado Wendys. I piss on your mountains...the Himalayas rule and the Andes rock your feeble shit.

4.Colorado Rockies

You John Denver loving motherfuckers. You thought you could sneak this shit by me? I hope Charlie Rich burns down your whole fucking state.

5. Houston Texans

Sweet jesus. Imagine you are so retarded that you are actually proud of something you should be ashamed of. Like wearing a shirt that says, "I gave my cat Aids", or, "I wet my bed, then I murdered Jesus". Thanks for ruining our country with that blue blooded rednecked shit for brains dick head George W. would somebody please punch that stupid fuck Bush. As if the Cowboys weren't detestable enough, you big hat wearing dildos go and name your team after your sorry ass selves, cause you don't want anyone stealing them and taking them to Tennessee like your precious loser Oilers. Don't worry, after that colossal fuck up Dubya, no person with an ounce of sense would ever want anything from that giant backward waste of a state you call home. Keep you stupid fucking team, and your dumb as shit spoiled rotten oil grubbing politicians, and choke on em. I wonder if your death gurgle comes with that stupid hick drawl you retarded assholes are so proud of. Fuck you Texas, I hope Mexico overruns you, and shits greasy taco diarrhea shit all over your yellow roses and fat women before they get to Oklahoma. (Except for Lubbock, and El Paso out of respect to Marty Robbins)


6. tie: Chicago White Sox, Boston Red Sox, Cincinnati Reds

The White Sox and Red Sox went 80 plus years without winning shit. I wonder if it had anything to do with being named after hosiery? How in Vanity's name can anyone root for a team named after a fucking sock? How does the Seattle Quality Trousers sound? The San Diego Collared Shirts? Jesus Fucking Christ were people so blasted on ye olde timey lager that they couldn't think of anything better to name the team? "I say brethren, why don't we concoct a moniker for our sports collective? We all wear black stockings while we engage in sport? Why not celebrate that?" Those idiots must have been blown away when Detroit said, "We wear blue socks...but we're gonna call ourselves the Tigers"

"Great Jehovah! You can do that??!"

As incredible as it seems there are in fact TWO major league baseball teams named after red socks. What in fuck's name is so fantastic about red goddamn socks?! I'm astonished. Cincinnati is actually the Red Leggings or something, which is charming in a ridiculous, thank god I was born in a real century kind of way, although I bet Chester A. Arthur wasn't a brain dead coke head fuck up like our current asshole in chief. I wish Cincinnati would embrace some sort of communist agenda and emblazon their uniforms with Karl Marx's ugly fucking face, or Rosa Luxembourg holding a flaming bomb. Now that I think about it I kind of like the Reds name, though Warren Beatty remains a tool.


9. Washington Nationals

You pussies. The Nationals? What the fuck does that even mean? Are you setting up a rivalry with the Un-Nationals? The Outer Spacers? Could you be less inspiring? Maybe if you were the Washington Sound Economic Policies, or the District of Columbia Crack Head Mayors. I hope the British come back and burn...i'm watching Spanish tv and the weather girl has such phenomenal boobies...madre de dios. I curse that franchise in perpetuity.

10. Denver Nuggets

Don't think I forgot about you Colorado. Aspen sucks, no one's ever even heard of Breckenridge, and Pete Coors is a racist. Your name conjures images of turds, and the only thing you have going for you is that you're not Texas. Hmm, maybe you are not so bad after all...and I forgot about the San Antonio Spurs! A reprieve for the Nuggets! The Spurs? Once again, naming your team after clothing is weaker than Laura Bush's dried up twat. You would be better off naming your team the ass-less Chaps. Your team symbol could be an asshole...(of course you know where this is going), and you could just put a photo of our beloved President on your jersey. The San Antonio Ass-Less Chaps. Mexico...I'm counting on you guys...I got a coupon for a free chulupa at participating Taco Bells, you can share it, if you would just overrun that lone star retard infested republic on the Rio Grande. The world laughs and pities you Texas. Lyndon Johnson and the Bushes? Jesus Christ you in-bred cocksuckers could apologize for the next one thousand years and it wouldn't be enough. Thanks for killing Kennedy too you colossal bunch of jackasses. Well done. You dickheads planning to go to Mars so you can fuck that planet up too? Be sure to take that choker Tony Romo, that idiot Jessica Simpson, and the rest of you bible thumpin cousin humpin backward armadildos with you.