Sic Semper Morons

"Bout' fucking time."

Baby Jesus was drunk and angry...again. I could tell from his tone of voice that he was in an especially foul mood...watching that quiff Anderson Cooper always did seem to rile him up.

"What's got your diaper in a bunch now Baby Jesus? Anderson wearing a pink tie?"

The little Lord and Savior took a swig from his St. Pauli Girl and shook his head. "Naw man. I'm watchin' this footage of that guy throwin' shoes at Dickhead in Chief George W. Bush."

"You're upset at the abuse of quality footwear?"

"Fuck no. I'm pissed that it took so long for one of you clowns on this earth to do something like that. Shithead in Chief has been fucking up my world for 8 years and this is the first time someone lashes out? I'm fucking Jesus and you put a crown of thorns in my head! I'm the goddmamned Lamb of God and you stupid cunts crucified me! I turned water into wine, raised the dead, and saved the universe but what happens to me? I get tortured and killed. This fucknut does nothing but cause death and destruction and the most you people can do during 8 years of his arrogant misrule is throw a shoe at him. You're all fucking pathetic. What the hell did I invent the bomb for anyway?"

"Well Baby Jesus, instead of inventing the bomb maybe you should have spent a little more time on other things. You didn't do such a hot job creating this world you know. Look at India for fuck's sake."

The mini King of Kings threw his bottle at the TV and picked up the remote. "What do you mean? You don't like curry? Fuck you!"

"I mean India is a fucking nightmare. I saw Slumdog Millionaire today. Jesus Christ Baby Jesus. Look at how desperately poor that place is. The suffering. The filth. I mean it seems like the worst place on earth, outside of Africa that is, but nobody pays attention to them anyway. Say... why is that?"

"Whoa!" Baby Jesus was changing the subject...a favorite tactic of his. "Goodbye Anderson Cooper hello Hooters swimsuit competition!"

He had switched channels and popped open a new brew. "Hey maybe I fucked up with on India. And maybe I shouldn't have let there be so much racism and rape and murder and all that other stuff, but didn't I do a fine job creating tits?"

There were some fine fake boobies on the screen, all oiled up and round, so even though I didn't like the way Baby Jesus sucked out of the argument by changing the subject, I wasn't gonna argue with titties.

I clinked my bottle off his. "True dat Baby Jesus. You fucking knocked that one out of the park."

He nodded, all proud of himself. "Cut me some slack sometimes brosuf. Quit complaining and bury your head between a pair of those and all the bad shit goes away."

Ode to Shannon Hori

Baby Jesus was burping up egg nog, really full of the Christmas spirit, and gas, and he sort of motioned for me to smack his little back a bit until he could belch real good, so I did, cause I'm a pretty good guy.

He lets out a real hummer of a burp and then sort of lays back and wheezes and lets his cup of egg nog just spill all over his chubby little chest. I was a somewhat grossed out.

"Jesus Christ Baby Jesus. What the hell's the matter with you?"

His cup fell and rolled along the carpet. "Oh...what? Just cause I'm Jesus means I'm not allowed to relax? I'm just feeling good man don't sweat it."

"You don't look so good."

"Well I feel fucking great. Tell you what... to thank you for burping me, and to show you that I'm a lot better than that obese cunt Santa, I'll grant you a little wish/present."

My eyebrows went up. "Really Baby Jesus?"

He picked his nose. "Sure man...name it."

I thought real hard and the only thing I was missing in my life was my favorite weather girl, Elita Loresca, who had gone to California. "Man I miss her forecast. Can you bring her back on air here?"

Baby Jesus reached into his diaper and grabbed some shit and threw it at me like a little holy monkey. "You gotta be fucking kidding me. I offer you a wish and you want to see a weather girl on TV? You didn't even ask if you could fuck her! I'm Jesus you know! I can make things happen!"

I looked down on my shit stained shirt. "I could probably sell this thing on EBay now. T shirt with Baby Jesus shit stain...in the shape of the Virgin Mary."

He shook his head. "That don't look a thing like my mother...looks more like France. But anyway...that's a stupid lame ass fucking wish."

"Well I didn't want to be greedy Jesus. I figured you don't really want to bring some busty weather girl all the way here so I could fuck her."

Baby Jesus nodded. "You're right you know. But I don't want to put her back on the air here neither. How bout I do something with that Milf whose already on the air here? I can make that cute news anchor pregnant. That way you can enjoy watching her breasts and belly get bigger over the course of months, and it'll make even the most somber news enjoyable."

Fist bump to Baby Jesus. "Fuck yeah Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. That's a great gift man...I'll enjoy that a lot."

Baby Jesus swirled his finger in the egg nog on his chest and rolled around happily in his diaper filled with his holy shit. "I figured you'd like it."

And so I did. As the months passed her tummy tum grew rounder and my joy increased with it, and when she saddened the rest of the nation with stories of presidential incompetence, I looked at her breasts that grew just a little fuller each and every evening at 6 and smiled.

Baby Jesus Xmas Tree

Baby Jesus gets kind of grouchy when Christmas carols are played, the ones that don't go on about how great he is anyway, so sometimes, when I'm feeling like an impish asshole, I put some on real loud like, but only during commercials if one of my shows is on.

So after beating him at Jenga for like the 5th straight time I got up and said I was gonna put on some celebration music, and so I cranked up Santa Claus Is Coming To Town...and then I added at the end of the chorus, "...to town...and he'll probably beat Baby Jesus at Jenga cause YOU SUCK!"

Baby Jesus threw a Jenga piece at me. "You know I really don't like that Santa fellow."

Classic Jesus understatement as usual. I plopped on the couch next to him. "That's cause you're a racist."

"I'm no racist. It's just that it's my birthday and that fucker is stealing all my thunder."

"You're doing all right Baby Jesus, the holiday is still named after you."

He started teething all over a Jenga piece. "For now at least. But look, they've started to take my name off the tree! Everywhere I go now I hear some clowns saying Holiday Tree. What the fuck is that shit? Is it the Spring Bunny? It's the Easter Bunny and the Christmas Tree. My name!"

"I hear you Baby Jesus. I don't even believe in you and I think your whole religion is bullshit. Same for the Jews and the Muslims and all those Asian idiots I don't even know anything about. But anybody who calls a Christmas Tree a Holiday tree is a stupid gutless moron, and they should have the word cunt tattooed on their foreheads Chev Chelios style."

Baby Jesus just nodded quietly then said. "That's what I'm talking about. At least let me have my tree man. I gave my life for you assholes."

I then asked Jesus to pull my finger for a second and he was so lost in thought he reached out with his little hand and without thinking gave a little tug! I couldn't believe it!

Of course I farted the second his fingers touched mine and began laughing hysterically. "Wow! 2,000 years old and you fell for that one!"

Baby Jesus just shook his little head in protest. "Come on man that doesn't count. I was thinking about my tree man. That's bullshit."

"I fucking got you Baby Jesus. How does it smell?"

He kicked me with his little leg. "Smells like ass man what do you think? I invented the fucking fart I know what it fucking smells like you asshole."

But I know deep down Baby Jesus wasn't really pissed cause he soon forgot about the stupid fucks who think they are being progressive by calling it a holiday tree, and we had a lot of laughs watching Ace Ventura together and made smores and shit.

Baby Jesus Takes on George Bush

Inspired by Padma, Baby Jesus toddled into the kitchen to whip up some crazy fruity dish we had watched that Indian minx sample. We were having a lot of laughs but then Jesus got sad a little when he thought about the fact that not one person had tried to assassinate that "ass clown Bush".

I was all like, "Well you made us in your image you clod. So it's your fault. Are you caramelizing something in there?"

I heard some pots clatter and was worried Baby Jesus was going to break some of my dishes. "Don't fuck up my cookware like Bush fucked up this world of yours you stupid baby!"

Jesus told me to shut it, but then he sort of waddled into the doorway, chocolate covered spoon in hand, bathed in the glow of the kitchen light behind him and mused, "I find it funny that he's taking credit for keeping America safe, when 9/11 happened on his watch, the worst attack in the USA's history no less. And that stupid lazy sack of Texas shit just sat in a chair with a dumb look on his face and a children's book in his hand and did squadootch. Then he flew around the country like a scared kitty instead of rushing to Washington and leading. Pussy."

"I hear you Baby Jesus."

"Him braggin about keeping people safe is like the Titanic captain saying, "Other than the iceberg, I sailed that boat pretty fucking well."

It was a commercial and Padma wasn't on so I was actually paying attention. "Wow Baby Jesus, you got quite a mouth on you. Does God know you curse like that?"

"I am god. Where do you keep your cinnamon?"

Suddenly there was a news break and I found out Arena League football had cancelled its season. "Jesus fucking Christ Baby Jesus! How could you let that happen?"

Baby Jesus was a big Iowa Barnstormers fan so I was a little surprised he let the league fold, even if he was known to say while drunk, "Bon Jovi is the anti-me".

"Hey dude, I gave you guys free will. I don't want the league to fold."

"Oh we got free will? So things aren't fated?"

Baby Jesus nodded. "That's right homeslice."

I hurled a coffee mug at him and it struck him square in the jaw! "Bingo! You didn't see that coming you fucker!"

Baby Jesus rolled around on the linoleum holding his little head and sort of moaning/laughing. "Oh dude you zapped me! Hit me so hard I shit!"

Sure enough I could see his diaper was full, and it started to reek. "Oh you got me! Oh I shit myself! Good one man!"

"Thanks Baby Jesus, but go change yourself."

Baby Jesus and Me Watchin TV

So Baby Jesus and me were hanging out the other day, nothing too formal, just some corn chips on the couch and flippin channels when Jesus sort of ga ga goo goos and then says, "Dr. Pepper tastes kind of funky dude."

I thought it was an odd thing to say since we were both sipping on espressos I had whipped up and there was nary a Dr. P in sight. But it's Jesus so I'm a little hesitant to say, "What the fuck are you talking about? You some kind of fucking retard baby?"

And he sort of fiddles with his diaper and says, "Did you know Dr Pepper was sued for malpractice, and was so distraught he attempted to kill himself with homemade poison, but instead of dying he just got dizzy, and used pretty much the same recipe to make the drink that now bears his name?"

"Is that true?"

Jesus just laughed and said, "Naww...I'm fucking with you."

But he's Jesus so he can get away with stuff like that. So I just take the remote from him with a sneer and flip to The Nanny, and when I see Fran Drescher I say to baby Jesus..."Ohh I hope she becomes Senator, cause then I can say I jerked off to a Senator one time."

And Jesus says, "What about Patricia Heaton? If she became a Senator too they would have some hot Milf battles in the Senate."

Of course I gave Baby Jesus a little fist bump for that one, cause I'm thinking that's a pretty fucking sweet idea. "I'd watch C-Span to see that little cat fight Jesus."

"You know Heaton's tits are fake?"

"Course I know that Jesus, you don't need to be a god to know those perky sweet sugar drops are artificial."

Then Top Chef came on, and Padma had her hair in braids, so I was all like, "Shut the fuck up Jesus! I love it when she's in braids."

And Baby Jesus is pretty chill, so he shut his fucking mouth and sipped on his espresso.