Sic Semper Morons

"Bout' fucking time."

Baby Jesus was drunk and angry...again. I could tell from his tone of voice that he was in an especially foul mood...watching that quiff Anderson Cooper always did seem to rile him up.

"What's got your diaper in a bunch now Baby Jesus? Anderson wearing a pink tie?"

The little Lord and Savior took a swig from his St. Pauli Girl and shook his head. "Naw man. I'm watchin' this footage of that guy throwin' shoes at Dickhead in Chief George W. Bush."

"You're upset at the abuse of quality footwear?"

"Fuck no. I'm pissed that it took so long for one of you clowns on this earth to do something like that. Shithead in Chief has been fucking up my world for 8 years and this is the first time someone lashes out? I'm fucking Jesus and you put a crown of thorns in my head! I'm the goddmamned Lamb of God and you stupid cunts crucified me! I turned water into wine, raised the dead, and saved the universe but what happens to me? I get tortured and killed. This fucknut does nothing but cause death and destruction and the most you people can do during 8 years of his arrogant misrule is throw a shoe at him. You're all fucking pathetic. What the hell did I invent the bomb for anyway?"

"Well Baby Jesus, instead of inventing the bomb maybe you should have spent a little more time on other things. You didn't do such a hot job creating this world you know. Look at India for fuck's sake."

The mini King of Kings threw his bottle at the TV and picked up the remote. "What do you mean? You don't like curry? Fuck you!"

"I mean India is a fucking nightmare. I saw Slumdog Millionaire today. Jesus Christ Baby Jesus. Look at how desperately poor that place is. The suffering. The filth. I mean it seems like the worst place on earth, outside of Africa that is, but nobody pays attention to them anyway. Say... why is that?"

"Whoa!" Baby Jesus was changing the subject...a favorite tactic of his. "Goodbye Anderson Cooper hello Hooters swimsuit competition!"

He had switched channels and popped open a new brew. "Hey maybe I fucked up with on India. And maybe I shouldn't have let there be so much racism and rape and murder and all that other stuff, but didn't I do a fine job creating tits?"

There were some fine fake boobies on the screen, all oiled up and round, so even though I didn't like the way Baby Jesus sucked out of the argument by changing the subject, I wasn't gonna argue with titties.

I clinked my bottle off his. "True dat Baby Jesus. You fucking knocked that one out of the park."

He nodded, all proud of himself. "Cut me some slack sometimes brosuf. Quit complaining and bury your head between a pair of those and all the bad shit goes away."