Baby Jesus Takes on George Bush

Inspired by Padma, Baby Jesus toddled into the kitchen to whip up some crazy fruity dish we had watched that Indian minx sample. We were having a lot of laughs but then Jesus got sad a little when he thought about the fact that not one person had tried to assassinate that "ass clown Bush".

I was all like, "Well you made us in your image you clod. So it's your fault. Are you caramelizing something in there?"

I heard some pots clatter and was worried Baby Jesus was going to break some of my dishes. "Don't fuck up my cookware like Bush fucked up this world of yours you stupid baby!"

Jesus told me to shut it, but then he sort of waddled into the doorway, chocolate covered spoon in hand, bathed in the glow of the kitchen light behind him and mused, "I find it funny that he's taking credit for keeping America safe, when 9/11 happened on his watch, the worst attack in the USA's history no less. And that stupid lazy sack of Texas shit just sat in a chair with a dumb look on his face and a children's book in his hand and did squadootch. Then he flew around the country like a scared kitty instead of rushing to Washington and leading. Pussy."

"I hear you Baby Jesus."

"Him braggin about keeping people safe is like the Titanic captain saying, "Other than the iceberg, I sailed that boat pretty fucking well."

It was a commercial and Padma wasn't on so I was actually paying attention. "Wow Baby Jesus, you got quite a mouth on you. Does God know you curse like that?"

"I am god. Where do you keep your cinnamon?"

Suddenly there was a news break and I found out Arena League football had cancelled its season. "Jesus fucking Christ Baby Jesus! How could you let that happen?"

Baby Jesus was a big Iowa Barnstormers fan so I was a little surprised he let the league fold, even if he was known to say while drunk, "Bon Jovi is the anti-me".

"Hey dude, I gave you guys free will. I don't want the league to fold."

"Oh we got free will? So things aren't fated?"

Baby Jesus nodded. "That's right homeslice."

I hurled a coffee mug at him and it struck him square in the jaw! "Bingo! You didn't see that coming you fucker!"

Baby Jesus rolled around on the linoleum holding his little head and sort of moaning/laughing. "Oh dude you zapped me! Hit me so hard I shit!"

Sure enough I could see his diaper was full, and it started to reek. "Oh you got me! Oh I shit myself! Good one man!"

"Thanks Baby Jesus, but go change yourself."