Baby Jesus was burping up egg nog, really full of the Christmas spirit, and gas, and he sort of motioned for me to smack his little back a bit until he could belch real good, so I did, cause I'm a pretty good guy.
He lets out a real hummer of a burp and then sort of lays back and wheezes and lets his cup of egg nog just spill all over his chubby little chest. I was a somewhat grossed out.
"Jesus Christ Baby Jesus. What the hell's the matter with you?"
His cup fell and rolled along the carpet. "Oh...what? Just cause I'm Jesus means I'm not allowed to relax? I'm just feeling good man don't sweat it."
"You don't look so good."
"Well I feel fucking great. Tell you what... to thank you for burping me, and to show you that I'm a lot better than that obese cunt Santa, I'll grant you a little wish/present."
My eyebrows went up. "Really Baby Jesus?"
He picked his nose. "Sure man...name it."
I thought real hard and the only thing I was missing in my life was my favorite weather girl, Elita Loresca, who had gone to California. "Man I miss her forecast. Can you bring her back on air here?"
Baby Jesus reached into his diaper and grabbed some shit and threw it at me like a little holy monkey. "You gotta be fucking kidding me. I offer you a wish and you want to see a weather girl on TV? You didn't even ask if you could fuck her! I'm Jesus you know! I can make things happen!"
I looked down on my shit stained shirt. "I could probably sell this thing on EBay now. T shirt with Baby Jesus shit stain...in the shape of the Virgin Mary."
He shook his head. "That don't look a thing like my mother...looks more like France. But anyway...that's a stupid lame ass fucking wish."
"Well I didn't want to be greedy Jesus. I figured you don't really want to bring some busty weather girl all the way here so I could fuck her."
Baby Jesus nodded. "You're right you know. But I don't want to put her back on the air here neither. How bout I do something with that Milf whose already on the air here? I can make that cute news anchor pregnant. That way you can enjoy watching her breasts and belly get bigger over the course of months, and it'll make even the most somber news enjoyable."
Fist bump to Baby Jesus. "Fuck yeah Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. That's a great gift man...I'll enjoy that a lot."
Baby Jesus swirled his finger in the egg nog on his chest and rolled around happily in his diaper filled with his holy shit. "I figured you'd like it."
And so I did. As the months passed her tummy tum grew rounder and my joy increased with it, and when she saddened the rest of the nation with stories of presidential incompetence, I looked at her breasts that grew just a little fuller each and every evening at 6 and smiled.
No comments:
Post a Comment