Thursday, December 11, 2008
Baby Jesus Xmas Tree
Baby Jesus gets kind of grouchy when Christmas carols are played, the ones that don't go on about how great he is anyway, so sometimes, when I'm feeling like an impish asshole, I put some on real loud like, but only during commercials if one of my shows is on.
So after beating him at Jenga for like the 5th straight time I got up and said I was gonna put on some celebration music, and so I cranked up Santa Claus Is Coming To Town...and then I added at the end of the chorus, "...to town...and he'll probably beat Baby Jesus at Jenga cause YOU SUCK!"
Baby Jesus threw a Jenga piece at me. "You know I really don't like that Santa fellow."
Classic Jesus understatement as usual. I plopped on the couch next to him. "That's cause you're a racist."
"I'm no racist. It's just that it's my birthday and that fucker is stealing all my thunder."
"You're doing all right Baby Jesus, the holiday is still named after you."
He started teething all over a Jenga piece. "For now at least. But look, they've started to take my name off the tree! Everywhere I go now I hear some clowns saying Holiday Tree. What the fuck is that shit? Is it the Spring Bunny? It's the Easter Bunny and the Christmas Tree. My name!"
"I hear you Baby Jesus. I don't even believe in you and I think your whole religion is bullshit. Same for the Jews and the Muslims and all those Asian idiots I don't even know anything about. But anybody who calls a Christmas Tree a Holiday tree is a stupid gutless moron, and they should have the word cunt tattooed on their foreheads Chev Chelios style."
Baby Jesus just nodded quietly then said. "That's what I'm talking about. At least let me have my tree man. I gave my life for you assholes."
I then asked Jesus to pull my finger for a second and he was so lost in thought he reached out with his little hand and without thinking gave a little tug! I couldn't believe it!
Of course I farted the second his fingers touched mine and began laughing hysterically. "Wow! 2,000 years old and you fell for that one!"
Baby Jesus just shook his little head in protest. "Come on man that doesn't count. I was thinking about my tree man. That's bullshit."
"I fucking got you Baby Jesus. How does it smell?"
He kicked me with his little leg. "Smells like ass man what do you think? I invented the fucking fart I know what it fucking smells like you asshole."
But I know deep down Baby Jesus wasn't really pissed cause he soon forgot about the stupid fucks who think they are being progressive by calling it a holiday tree, and we had a lot of laughs watching Ace Ventura together and made smores and shit.
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