Disease, famine, war,...age old problems on this planet. What are the answers? Could it be Japanese garage rock? Could it be the ever seductive allure of loose women? Some blissful combination of the two? I shall investigate.
In that spirit I will now list my favorite Guitar Wolf song titles, not the songs themselves, but the titles, as brought to the world by Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf, and Drum Wolf.
(I will throw in a song or two by Teengenerate, cause their drummer was named Suck)
In descending order:
15. Time Machine of Tears
You can change the past, by changing the future. Japanese men often make me cry, but never more when they are this profound. Almost makes me sorry for Hiroshima.
14. Kung Fu Ramone Culmination Tactic
I don't even know what this means. It sounds awesomely ominous, and it is clearly a tactic villains should be wary of.
13. Kicked Out of the Webelos
Sung by Teengenerate, and technically a cover of the Queers, but something I can wholeheartedly support. I don't even think they have the Webelos in Japan, which makes Suck's and the rest of Teengenerate's expulsion all the more shocking and unfair.
12. Three A.M. Noodle Shop
We've all been there, left the cat house light of pocket and happy of heart, ambled down to the local noodle shop where you hope to catch a hot meal with the remnants of your rifled pockets. Maybe that whore you just had fun with will be there too, adding ounces to her emaciated frame. What can be sexier than steam rising from hot broth and wafting over a girl hungering for one last fix of heroin before home?
11. Katsumiya Tobacco City
I've never been there, but I hear the streets are paved with tobacco leaves, and the kids are all encouraged to smoke. Consequently their school sports teams always run out of energy in the second half, but they look cool, and have a high rate of success in the film industry.
10. Toiletface
Oddly enough this song is about your mother, whom Guitar Wolf has not even met!
9. All Through the Night Buttobase
I don't even know what Buttobase is, but if Guitar Wolf commits to it all night, it is undoubtedly on the unhappy side of legality, and incredibly awesome.
8. Sex Cow
Teengenerate's ode to healthy broads, who are in short supply in Nippon.
7. Midnight Blood Pump
The night is young and you are grievously hurt, do you retire for the evening, or do you undergo a late night blood pump in order to continue your reign of mayhem?
6. She's Dumb
Teengenerate pens the ultimate wedding song.
5. Roaring Blood
If your blood does not roar, clearly you are not living. Drop out of school, dump your spouse, quit your job. All you need is a blunt instrument and a pocket full of speed. Rev up your motorcycle, feel your blood roar, glory and incarceration await!
4. Blood Splashed Sky
The authorities are on to you. Your Kawasaki lies a smoldering wreck. Burned bank notes flutter away in the smoky breeze. As your breath escapes your punctured lungs you lay on the pavement and gaze beyond the towering trooper into the limitless blood splashed sky. Your smile perplexes him.
3. Midnight Violence Rock and Roll
The blood pump was a success. Your Kawasaki has a full tank and the engine purrs. The steel is cold in your hands. Your favorite whore, Cinderella, wipes your brow. The time is ripe for violence.
2. Let's Get Hurt
My family crest is emblazoned with this motto. Our reunions are sparsely attended affairs.
1. Murder by Rock
Your enemies abound. You wish to dispose of them without a trace. Sheathe the sword. Unleash the rock.
2 comments:
This is the most inspiring thing I have ever read (the most inspiring thing I've ever heard, of course, being the machine roar of the Guitar Wolf itself). I am now going to the cat-house.
A rousing list, but no love for "Just Head"? I believe you adapted that as your go-to whore order (or "whorder.")
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