Life's Calling

Sometimes I wish I would invent the time machine, so I could go back in time and destroy my enemies...my den mother, ,virtually every educator who dared to waste my time with their nonsense, Russia.

But also it would be nice to revisit some old TV shows, though I imagine they would not live up to my exalted memory of them. Take BJ McKay for instance...

I don't even remember if that was the actual title of the show, but I'm pretty sure the show was awesome. How could it not be...the cat drove around in a truck, with his best friend Bear, who was not in fact a bear, but a chimp or monkey of some sort. He was named after Bear Bryant and ugly so I was always hoping he'd be killed off, but no such luck. However BJ was cool, and did not get his nickname because of his penchant for blowing fellow drivers at truck stops...actually I don't know where the name BJ came from.

He sang his own theme song however...a jaunty number about going to New Orleans or who knows where...my favorite line was, "places new and ladies too, and the best thing about it, no properly tax!"

Haha you salty fucker BJ! I imagine he had to pay some sort of premium auto insurance, and a trucking license and gas and shit, so the lack of property tax probably wasn't all that great, but we all know what he meant when he said "ladies too". That land based sea dog was fucking all sorts of skanks all over the south west!

For some reason, jealousy perhaps, he had this one asshole cop, played by the great Ed Lauter, who was always trying to arrest him. Fuck you Ed Lauter! But he always failed cause BJ has this posse of bimbos who somehow were always in the town he happened to be driving in that episode. One of them was named Staxx, cause she had a giant set of tits. My memory of the show is pretty hazy but if even a tenth of this shit is true it was undoubtedly a great fucking show.

The Fall Guy was another old classic, featuring a stuntman/bounty hunter. Well holy fucking shit, why aren't half the shows/movies produced in this country and around the world chock full of stuntman/bounty hunters? I bet Bollywood hasn't churned out one such production! Lee Majors sang the awesome theme song, name dropping old time heroes and hos like Raquel Welch and Clint. He had a sidekick named Howie for fuck's sake! How many times have I been jumping out the window of a Mexican brothel and wishing my sidekick Howie was pulling round in the Volkswagen so we could make our getaway? Heather Thomas was involved but she only gave a hint of cleavage per 60 minute show and was grossly underutilized.

Finally I have fond memories of Tales of the Gold Monkey, or Golden Monkey, a show so hazy in my mind I wonder if in fact it even existed or is a result of dreams inspired by the exceptional turkey sandwich on pumpernickel I had for dinner. It featured an Indiana Jones rip off who travelled the world via sea plane. I don't care if you are Hindoo, Christian or Jew, that shit is fucking cool. Beats the fuck out of these endless cop, lawyer, doctor shows. Where are the cop shows that show how fat those lazy assholes get, hiding behind their unions when they shoot innocent people, and living off inflated taxpayer funded pensions?

Anyhoo this cat would travel around the globe getting into misadventures with his sidekick, who was neither a goofball named Howie or a chimp named Bear...he had a little pet dog! I don't remember the dog's name but he had a glass eye that the dude was always losing in poker games in Jakarta or Macao or cool places like that. I don't remember what was so fucking great about that dog's eye, but cutthroats the world over placed a pretty heavy price on it! Who hasn't been immersed in the Rangoon underworld a time or two, pushing your jeweled dagger in the pot in hopes of winning a dog's glass eye??

The dog always used to get pissed at the dude and give him a look with his one good eye that seemed to say, "what the fuck is your problem dude? you think just because you fly a sea plane and wear a leather jacket you're hot shit? why do you keep betting my glass eye?"

The dog looked pretty cool with an eye patch however so I don't know why he was so pissed. I think the dude helped innocents in every episode, but maybe he was just a degenerate gambler who used his sea plane to fly from brothel to brothel in the south seas, staying one step ahead of the law and three steps behind venereal disease.

Wow, did I just stumble upon my life's calling? Why didn't my guidance counselor every suggest pouring everything I owned into a house/plane/boat and to embark on travels with only a surly one eyed dog for a companion and only tawdry trysts as my goal? What the fuck was I paying that bitch for?

Enlightenment

When you have finally wised up, and pissed on your bible and rendered it unreadable, or set fire to your Koran, or took a shit all over whatever holy book the hindoo reads, you can bask for a moment in your enlightenment, but not too long, for you should quickly re-immerse yourself in the fountain of learning.

What fountain is that? The movies of course! One can learn a lot from cinema, if one pays attention, and doesn't waste his time throwing popcorn at the ticket girl, or taking handfuls of Sno-caps and firing them at every patron wearing a trilby. In fact Sno-caps aren't enough for that affront...you should be sure to spit rancid Dr. Pepper at all trilby wearers.

Cinema can teach you so much! And I'm not just talking bout porn, though you can learn a lot from that of course. ...turns out girls do like being covered in ejaculate, despite what the nuns and priests at school used to tell me.

Let's take a moment to examine a scene from the classic Just One of the Guys

A disconsolate Billy Jacoby slumps on his staircase after the fetching and ripe Sherilyn Fenn escapes his horny clutches...he looks down as his crotch and utters the immortal, "Sorry Spike."

Apologizing to his dick for failing to get it inserted inside Fenn's gash. A classy move from a horny teen. What does it teach us? Treat your cock with respect! And I don't mean just using lube and avoiding French women...I mean talking to it, letting it know you love and appreciate it, like a houseplant, or even a child...a cute one...not one of those ugly, charmless kids everyone rightfully despises.

The dude named Rabbit comes across a band name he finds ludicrous, And And And, and reacts in The Commitments.

"And And fuckin' And?"

He's incredulous! What does his simple statement of disgust convey and teach? Whenever someone says something stupid, which is most of the time, reply with immediate and withering sarcasm, and try use foul language, especially around the elderly...you really get a response that way and may even induce death.


"Who is Bond compared to Kronsteen?"

Creepy eyed Eastern European chess grandmaster considers himself superior to international spy extraordinaire James Bond in From Russia with Love. Awesome. Who the fuck is this cat? What do we know about him? He looks like a killer, not the barroom brawl break your neck with Seagal style Aikido style killer, but the slip out of the shadows and slice your throat in the dark with a dagger type. He is also pretty good at chess. In addition, he doesn't like Bond, or receiving congratulations and has a high opinion of self. Yet somehow he goes down to defeat!

Amazingly his demise is not at Bond's hand, but by the foot of a dwarfish Russian dyke, and a grizzly wizened one at that. What lesson do we take from his ignominious downfall?

Don't entrust your genius to others! Clearly he was a superior being, and devised a perfect plan, but he then made the gross error of entrusting his brilliance to lesser men and broads to carry it out. Of course they botched it.

The secret to James Bond's success is that he is a lone wolf lothario, who depends on no one but himself and his pistol. Were he to rely on teamwork a lesser man would undoubtedly fuck up and cause his death. Therefore, regard all others with contempt, and limit interactions with people to whores and deli counter employees.


"She loves me, I don't mind her."

Spike of Bensonhurst sums up his relationship with one of the mother's of one of his children ...holy shit, that fucker Sasha Mitchell teaches us so much in one throwaway line! How do you treat that special lady in your life? With disdain, and the occasional grope.

When introduced to this broad's boyfriend what does Spike say? "He's a fazool."

Wow, i don't even know what a fazool is, but I know it ain't good. What does that tell me? What do you do when introduced to her friends? Insult them immediately and try to get her away from them as fast as possible.

Other Spike tips for dating and life:

When you meet your girl's family embark on a three part plan.

1. Seduce her mother

2. Be respectful to the father, but try to evince deadly menace even during congenial encounters. Let the man know that even at a barbecue or sweet 16 party, you are always a moment away from murdering him.

3. Find some hot young Puerto Rican chick who looks like Talisa Soto, impregnate her, and let your fiance know it, just so she doesn't take you for granted.

Carrot Top's on so I can't write anymore.

Seeing Batman Gives You Aids

Sometimes I like to compare the classics...like which film handled the transition of Hong Kong from hateful British back to the Chinese better, Rush Hour or Knock Off. I know what you're thinking, "Yes! Excellent! An excuse to go watch both those great movies again!"

I'm certainly not going to dissuade anyone from time well spent, so after you do that and clean yourself off, cause you'll undoubtedly soil yourself with joy, come back and read the rest of this shit.

All done babycakes? Good for you! Now then, Rush Hour kind of skimps the transition and jumps to Los Angeles, so it kind of loses right there...my that was a quick debate!

Knock Off gives you plenty of Van Dammage, and a great closing theme song, and encapsulates thousands of years of Chinese culture and 100 years of british imperialism and misrule into a taut 90 minutes, and comes replete with Deuce Bigalow and the always welcome and angrily sexy Lela Rochon.

That's not to say the Rush Hour films are not without their charms! Sure that black dude who's name escapes me has an irritating quality with that high pitched voice and his penchant for breaking into song and dance, but there is something about an asshole cop who gives his superiors a lot of shit that appeals to me. Like Martin Lawrence in Blue Streak. Fuck yes! Belie Dat!

That reminds me, it's been months since I've watched Gang Related, which is quite simply the greatest piece of work Tupac ever produced, and I curse his assassins for depriving me of a sequel. Such is its greatness that I love it even though Miss Rochon plays a stripper who never even gets naked! Jim Belushi gives his best perf since he was the Principal...or even the high school chess coach with the hot temper.

When the lemmings are off watching the new Batman, which I am boycotting on account of Heath Ledger's split ends...jeez, super villain criminal or not, there is simply no excuse for the state of that man's hair. What kind of international superstar are you when your mane is perpetually frizzy and skanked out? A pet theory of mine...Heath will be out of Hollywood by the end of the decade on account of his hair!

What's that? He's dead?

So anyway instead of Batman, I'm going to rent Gang Related, which is better than Gone Baby Gone, which got real stupid and predictable the longer it went on, though those trashy Bostoners were always entertaining? Those fuckers sure do talk funny.

Hmm a thought just occurred to me...even though Heath has bad hair, and is dead, I bet he still looks better than Maggie Gyllenhaal. Hollywood you sly fuckers. Come out with both barrels of Bale and Nolan and try to sneak this shit by me? Lela Rochon gets a couple of crap roles before being sent out to pasture and you foist Maggie G "probably has a Unit cause she's half a man" yllenhaal on me? Let me get this straight you clowns...millionaire playboy Bruce Fucking Wayne, who's also Batman, and has some real cool shit, and looks like Xtian Bale, and probably has no problem picking up hot trim left and right....is chasing after Maggie Gyllenhaal?

really? I'm supposed to pay $10.50 and believe that? Belie dat??

I can swallow the super villains and the utility belts and all that special effects shit, but if I guzzled a gallon of detergent and became as retarded as our president I wouldn't buy that shit for a second. Oh, and Aaron Eckhardt, a big shot rising star politician, is also on Maggie's shit. Wow.

Funny cause in real life if Aaron was the manager of a Payless at some shit ass mall in Akron and hated his life, and Xtian worked in the Duncan Donuts at the food court and wanted to hang himself after every shift, and Maggie was a clerk at the Gap, those two guys would still walk past her store every day for a year and never notice her even if she waved her pussy at them from the display window.

Danny Devito wouldn't fuck her.

Whatever Hollywood, everyone knows the real talent goes into porn these days...

Where is Tamara Feldman?? She's cute and the cabal that runs Hollywood must love her surname...why the fuck isn't she getting those kind of roles?

Who am I kidding?? Every time I get mad at Hollywood Brett Ratner gives me another gem and all is forgiven!

I wonder who Kelly Hu is eating out right now?

Sometimes things suck

Sometimes you find a shiny penny on the ground, and sometimes the stripper forgets how many songs it was and you get a free dance, and during those times you think, "gee whillickers, maybe there is a god, and maybe he isn't such an asshole after all."

And the stripper gives you this look and the jig is up and she is all like, "what the fuck are you so happy about you clown? Did I give you a free dance by mistake?"

And then the bouncer is grabbing you by your sweat pants and throwing you into the alley out back, where some homeless guy stabs you with a knife coated in stale peanut butter.

That is the way the cookie of life crumbles, and this zany roller coaster of existence we are on goes up and down and off the rails and runs over some nuns. What I'm trying to say is that I was on the Internet and I found a 2.98 cent copy of the movie in which Vanity, dear sweet lovely slutty Vanity, plays a phone sex operator, and I think to myself, dear god, this is the greatest bargain in the history of everything, even more than when I got Action Jackson for 4 bucks.

So the DVD comes and I'm all excited, but after watching the film, Night Caller, I was hit with a wave of disappointment. But why?? How could a film in which Vanity stars as a phone sex operator possibly fail???

It was almost as if my enemies spent tens of thousands of dollars to make a film just to disappoint me. Somehow Fred "the Hammer" Williamson managed to cast Vanity in the role of a dirty slutty beautiful phone sex operator and...

and...

let her keep her clothes on throughout the film! OK some charlatans are saying, you don't need to be naked to do phone sex...well maybe if you are content just to earn enough bucks to pay the rent...but my girl Vanity is a professional, and she drives a nice ride and wears hot slutty expensive high class whore type threads, and thus needs to really sell the shit out of these calls...something one can't do fully dressed. As well I know my girl would really get into whatever role she was playing, on the phone or on film, and probably insist on getting naked, but Fred must be gay and I curse the Kansas City Chiefs in perpetuity for his pathetic inability to have her remove her clothes.

As if her unnakedness were not disappointing enough...for a phone sex operator she sure keeps it clean! There isn't one scene with her hands down her panties and her mouth letting loose a stream of filth the likes of which would melt convents. In 52 Pick-Up she is underdressed in virtually all her scenes, and masturbates gratuitously...to say nothing of her uttering the immortal..."You came here looking for something, and it ain't my pussy."

Shit they just don't have dialogue like that anymore. I mean when was the last time that old sweaty skank Judi Dench uttered something even half as beautiful? She hasn't! The most memorable thing she uttered in her last pompous crap fest was, "I'm weary Countess...I'm old, wizened, and with my overactive sweat gland I smell like Mena Suvari looks." (Merchant Ivory really shot their wad years ago in my opinion)

Hope was fading and then dashed for good when incredibly Vanity's character was killed by none other than Flash Gordon! You gotta be shitting me...in 52 Pick Up she is killed in a great death scene by the always menacing and odious John Glover, and after the audience has been satiated with copious amounts of Vanity's naked body and slut talk, but in this film she is weakly shot in the back by a zero like Flash! As if that wasn't bad enough the movie ends with a very gay fight/romp on the sand between Gary Busey and Fred the Hammer, followed by another tender and touching moment between Williamson and Peter Fonda...Peter Fucking Fonda! Vanity dies, fully clothed and with not a single dirty thought ever uttered, and the last five minutes of the movie are spent with three dickheads goofing around together...holy shit its like coming across a gold mine and trying to excavate it with a spoon and 2 gay buddies. After a few hours you won't have much gold, but your ass is going to hurt like hell. Maybe you can stab yourself to death with the spoon, or better yet find Fred the Hammer and end him.

Summer is a fine time for retching

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I vomit on your picnic

Summer is here and before the glut of shark attacks and heat stroke deaths fill our thoughts, hearts, and paper headlines I thought I'd share some musings on all things sunshine and lemonade.

Quick note to all you assassins out there...I know it's hot and high powered rifles are heavy, but you're running out of time if you want your shot to count for anything. I'm not saying that having Bush and Cheney last 8 years without an attempt on their lives is the greatest stain this country's honor has ever suffered, but it's pretty fucking close. Let's get cracking before labor day shall we sociopaths?

If 8 years of gross incompetence and royal fucking up by our government aren't enough to drive you to want to crack some skulls open with high velocity rounds, may I suggest venturing into the cool confines of your local multiplex and checking out any number of shit summer fare excreted on the world by those ass clowns in Hollywood?

The Love Guru is such an unfunny colossal piece of garbage it's caused me to have a recurring dream of Mike Myers getting suctioned up inside an elephants asshole, which is then petrified, forcing him to spend centuries wallowing in a giant beast's rectum. Only then could he begin to himself endure the pain he has inflicted on humanity for that fucking movie. Never has Alba worn more clothes, never has a film been less funny.

Save of course for Get Smart. Hey Anne Hathaway...my dick just sent you a telegram...he's not interested! Steve Carrel you stupid fucking cocksucker...I think so little of you I know I spelled your name wrong and I'm not even going to try and look it up to spell it right...though anyone who wishes to do that should Google, "OVERRATED DICKHEAD WHO TURNED A MEDIOCRE SHOW INTO SOMETHING HORRIBLE"

Luckily foreigners are still making movies, so we don't have to swallow only the feces Hollywood squirts onto the screen. Those fucking Czechs foisted Beauty in Trouble on us...in short, the chick was an ugly skanked out piece of trash, and all the other characters were annoying assholes who made me long for the Russians to come back with the tanks...and unlike those pussy Chinese, the Russians would have no problem running some civilians over, cameras or no cameras.

Speaking of the Chinese...they make good movies like they branch out with new hairstyles...not very often...Lust, Caution ...Jesus Christ...why did it take so long for nothing to happen? A bunch of stupid Chinese kids spend years plotting on how to kill one guy? I thought these people were supposed to be smart? How bout, there's the dude, shoot him? That's a good plan, as opposed to, spend years studying the guy, have a virgin learn to be a whore, fuck him dozens of times over the course of years, and then somehow don't kill him. If only they had just shown him Lust Caution, he would have died of boredom! HAHAHAHAA

That jest puts me in a good mood and I remember Too Fast Too Furious: Tokyo Drift, which was a fine fucking film featuring the future Vanity, Nathalie Kelley, who is awesome, in the way puppies without Aids are awesome...which is to say the best way. There is a lot of drifting, so it's good that it's not one of those movies where the title is grossly misleading. They are in fact in Tokyo, and they drift the shit out of that place. At the risk of spoiling things, the bad guy gets his comeuppance, and that tool Vin Diesel only shows up at the end, when the good will has already been built up so you don't mind his ugly fucking face fouling up the screen. As the credits role I like to imagine the Yakuza cutting off his stupid head and bronzing it, so as to make a statue they call, "Sylvester Stallone if he were even uglier and more retarded".

One final note...those stupid fuckers at Anheuser Busch have a new ad slogan, touting their beer's "drinkability". Funny but that slogan doesn't make me want to drink bud, it makes me want to shatter a bottle of that piss and shove the shards into the cunt who came up with that stupid fucking ad. I wonder if he would even be able to say that stupid word with the jagged long neck of that shitty beer embedded in his throat. Nobody uses that word. There isn't a person on the planet who says, "shit, Miller tastes pretty fucking good, but goddamn that Bud has some real drinkability." It's like some fuckhead fell into a vat of that amber colored piss at the brewery and channeled that fat fucking moron John Madden. "drinkability!"

Thank god the Belgians bought that fucking place. I hope they treat the ad people like they did the Congolese...! Or maybe some crazed Walloon will burn it down.

Day Dawns Fresh with Miracles, Smells Like Poon to Me

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