Silk

Silk is a fine film where not a lot happens and you wonder why in the heck and who in the hell would even make this exercise in pretty nothingness. It features that sleepy dopey looking actor Mike Pitt and two beautiful Asian chicks, and also the English Natalie Portman, Keira "I ain't anorexic" Knightley.

Now I've always had a hard spot in my heart for Keira since she was cast in the terrible (never seen it of course) King Arthur as a warrior woman Lady Guinevere, and proudly stated in an interview that "Guinevere kicked butt!"

Maybe she did, (she didn't), but if in fact she did I'm sure she weighed more than the emaciated 85 pound Knightley. I highly doubt that sickly wench can even lift a spoon full of milk drenched Weetabix, much less wield a sword or pull a bow string back.

It's just shitty casting is all I'm saying...but I digress...

Silk is beautiful film to look at, especially the Asian chicks, one of whom is a whore, and it contains one of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema! No joke!

Mike Pitt plays a sleepy Frenchman who goes to Japan in the 1800s to pick up some silk worm eggs so he can bring em back to France and they can hatch and spin silk with the help of a saucy Alfred Molina. While in Japan, Pitt, although happily married and deeply in love with the gaunt and stupid Knightly, falls for the belle concubine of some Japanese warlord/silk egg magnate. Careful ladies! Don't you go sending your man off to collect worm eggs if you want to hold onto him!

Anyhoo, even though Pitt don't speak no Japanese, and broad don't speak English or french or much of anything at all...those two crazy kids fall in love, and when he has to go back to France she passes him a note in secret.

Problem one for Pitt...he looks too stupid to read.

Problem two, even if he can read...he sure as shit don't understand Japanese, in which the note is written, and can't very well go to the husband/warlord/silkworm titan and ask him, "Hey brosuf, mind translating the note your hot piece of ass geisha girl wrote me?"

So Fucknut goes all the way back to France not knowing what this little Asian minx wrote him. Molina to the rescue! Of course that portly fucker knows of a dynamite, and pricey, Japanese whore residing in Paris or some such place, and advises Pitt to look her up, but bring your wallet, cause her gash don't come cheap!

When Pitt meets her she is well dressed, undoubtedly smells real nice, and has the air of a real bitch, like all good whores do. She dispenses with polite ceremony and bluntly asks the dopey looking ass clown, "what makes you think you can afford to sleep with me?"

Dude retorts sleepily, "I don't want to fuck you, I just need you to translate this shit"...or something like that...

Hot Asian cumslut takes the Japanese girl's note to Pitt and reads it, "Come back or I'll die."

"That's it?" Pitt says.

"That's it."

Turns out Japanese chick was a woman of few words, but apparently was going to miss Mr Pitt something awful.

Pitt gets up and reaches for his wad of cash and starts peeling off some big bills...hot Asian whore watches him for a moment and says, "Forget about it."

Sleepy boy pauses...then Asian whore speaks again..."Not the money, the note. Forget about the note and the girl who wrote it... You know she's not really going to die."

Wow...I'm sure if 6 billion people watch this film about silk worms 6 billion think Asian slut is thinking..."Aww I can't charge you dopey! You didn't even fuck me! It's my pleasure to translate such a beautifully romantic note from across the sea! No charge!"

But no! Bitchy Asian slut wants the cash and turns out to be a delightfully jaded realist..."She's not really going to die."

Haha..of course Pitt doesn't take the sound advice, though he has sense enough to leave a substantial amount of cash for Asian slut, cause she looked like she would have slit his throat had he not.

Long film shortened...he goes back to japan, warlord worm dude prevents him from seeing hot little Japanese concubine, who does not in fact die and probably gets over Pitt soon enough...I mean it's not like they had much in common, or even talked.

He goes back to France, Knightley finds out about his love of Asian chicks, dies of some disease, and he winds up alone on a bench with some goofy gardener boy, a widower, and pining away for his harajuku girl whom he'll never see again. Nice job! About time we had a real love story that dealt with real issues, like how the language barrier can be a problem and the silk worm industry is capricious.

And what of Asian whore? Well we'll just have to wait for the sequel!

Save Beyonce!

Once the world finishes ejaculating at the thought that world class Texas Turd George Bush will be flushed from office and Obama will take over, let them ponder the most pressing matter at hand today! We citizens of this shitty swirling globe are in danger of losing dear Beyonce Knowles!

Now she is not at risk of being whisked away by Martians, though if those wily green bastards had any sense they would beam her to their red planet and make her their mocha queen! Rather my great fear is that she is slowly slipping down the slope of diva insanity that has claimed so many songstresses before!

Diana, Liza, Judy, Michael, Britney...all those bitches succumbed to the pressures of fame and fortune and went bananas...and not the good kind of banana...the kind a young lady might experiment with when she masturbates...but the bad kind of banana...the kind a rogue Detroit cop might stick up law abiding peace officer's tail pipes while in the middle of an investigation!

I digress...watching ladies like Liza and Mariah go off the deep end troubled me not, cause they were and are talentless nobodies who weren't good looking! But dear Beyonce is legitimately beautiful, and thus better than most of the other 6 billion people on this planet, and worth saving.

Who could help but be charmed by the way she professed her love of Popeyes chicken! What sense! While putrid skanks like Britney kept flashing their oft abused twats Beyonce charmed with her winning smile and love of fine fast food.

While repulsive no talents like Britney dated refuse like K-Fed, dear Beyonce cavorted quietly around the globe with famed homosexual Jay Z, and wasn't it nice of her to provide that frilly pseudo gangsta with such a beautiful beard?

She even chose to give her fans the gift of her visage on the big screen, and although she starred in a relentless procession of crap like Austin Powers 3 and that Cuba Gooding movie, it was still nice to look at her.

Is there a more beautiful word than bootylicious?

Don't go over that psycho ledge Beyonce! This Sasha Fierce alter ego used to be somewhat charming, but easily dismissed, like your childish belief in god. Suddenly it has come to the forefront however, as if you are losing your mind completely!

Perhaps I should embrace this Barack optimism. Maybe this Sasha alter ego will go nutzo in the good way, and we can all look forward to dear Beyonce working onscreen with Kristin Kreuk in the some sort of Etta James pornographic bio. Did Etta engage in lesbian sex with a young half Asian Canadian? I close my eyes and hope so.

Movie Magic Wonderland Awesome!

So some guy who stole John Mellancamp's nickname recommended a little Whit Stillman flick called Metropolitan, and I had the great displeasure of watching it.
I remember when that movie came out thinking, "Who the fuck would want to see a movie about a bunch of rich pantywaists dicking around hoity toity parties with a lot of senseless jibber jabber?"

Word of advice to all the ladies out there...if you're going to be boring, spoiled and stupid...at least be good looking...if you combine ugly with dull, do the world a favor and find a nice black hole to get sucked into. Children should be seen and not heard, and unattractive broads should be neither.

Thankfully I was able to wipe that stain from my mind by going to see Tropic Thunder, which had psychotic babies and explosions, two things long missing from American cinema.

Loved the scene on the bridge where the little baby repeatedly stabs Stiller in the back, and then pouts on the riverbank. Orson Welles can take his rosebud bullshit and go fuck himself, cause that scene is far more enjoyable than anything that obese ass clown ever regurgitated onto the screen.

Baby Jesus knows I love my g Owen Wilson but perhaps his suicide attempt was a good thing after all cause my laid back motherfucker Mconaghey does a nice job with the role of super agent, and I'll always find the ugly Steve Coogan being blown to bits enjoyable.

In an aside it's also nice to see Simon Pegg dissing Ricky Gervais for being fat and stupid.

You take him down a peg or two Pegg! You little limey bastard!

I also saw Religulous, which was nice though Bill Mahrer can be rather tough to look at, like licking dried pigeon shit off a statue's rusted balls.

It helps to see that flick in a crowded theater, and to observe groups laughing uproariously when one faith is mocked, only to fall silent when the ridicule targets theirs. Be sure to laugh extra hard at those parts, and throw raisinettes liberally to punctuate the hilarity.

Sadly all was not awesome in the darkened world of theater going, and I had to pull my pants up in disgust after wasting a few moments watching...

Lars and the Real Girl...now i can swallow some retarded guy in the god forsaken frozen north buying a rubber woman to keep him company on those long cold nights...but how in the fuck did the film makers expect me to believe that said retard would be the object of pursuit by regular women?

Cat is either a full blown spazz or incredibly stupid, and yet when he's at church some dingbat is trying to set him up with some chick. Maybe this chick was bent askew too so I'll cut them some slack, but next thing we see is stupid chief showing up to his job, (and just how does a half catatonic moron like that idiot hold down a white collar job anyway?), and some mousy broad is at his cubicle trying in vain to get his attention.

Not only is he slow and dull and mildly retarded at best, and absolutely fucking nuts at worst, he's greasy haired and slovenly. Maybe in Russia those sluts go for guys like that, but in the USA I don't know too many retarded slobs who have to beat off the broads with their mouse pads. Hot shot doesn't even acknowledge the girl when she suggests they car pool, and instead blows past her, prompting the office wag to mock her for coming on too strong.

Where is the office wit mocking her for pursuing a guy who is dirty and PLAINLY RETARDED! "Hey Susie, I know you haven't had a boyfriend in awhile, but um, you're aware that Lars is kind of...umm...psychotic?"

So I ejected that crap and won't dare watch it again.

Thankfully Transporter 3 is on the way and baby jesus has seen fit to reward my awesomeness with a double dose of Statham and Seann William Scott in November! Truly we have something to be thankful for, and if there is a god, which there isn't, but if there is, and I make it to heaven, I will thank him for Crank, and the Transporter series, and Seann William Scott's performance in Old School, before I douse his cloud in gasoline and set him and his faggy coterie of angels on fire.
Really god? This world is the best you could come up with? Take your harp and go fuck yourself you inept sack of shit.

Vote or Hang yourself!

So I'm watching a commercial and some douchebag is going on about how bowflex has transformed him after working about 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week...he dropped a lot of weight and feels great.

He then says he gave all his fat clothes to his fat friends...what the fuck is that all about? Why is he still hanging around fat people? What is the point of spending all that money on exercise equipment, working out for months, becoming a ripped Adonis, only to retain your fat loser friends? That clown should choke himself between the bands of his ridiculous machine.

If you are going to transform yourself into a hunka hunka gorgeousness, the most important weight you can lose is the collective flab that is your fat former friends!

As if this ass turd couldn't get any dumber he goes on to say how when his wife now sees his new killer body she gives him a little "wink"...haha...hey douchebag..why haven't you left her? If you're already married what the fuck are you wasting your time working out for? ...either get fat and happy...or lose the weight and the sea hag. You went to the trouble of losing weight and gaining muscle tone for your wife?? That's like taking a sports car driving class and then sticking with your shit box Chevy Nova.

The only winking she should be doing is blinking her eyes open and shut in despairing disbelief as you take your new chiseled physique out the door and to the nearest high school. Maybe if she had soaked the bowflex seat with a little sweat off her own fat ass you wouldn't be leaving her for that teenager with grossly low self esteem!

Lesson learned babycakes, put down the Cheetos and join the fucking gym.

Oh yeah don't forget to vote.

Life's Calling

Sometimes I wish I would invent the time machine, so I could go back in time and destroy my enemies...my den mother, ,virtually every educator who dared to waste my time with their nonsense, Russia.

But also it would be nice to revisit some old TV shows, though I imagine they would not live up to my exalted memory of them. Take BJ McKay for instance...

I don't even remember if that was the actual title of the show, but I'm pretty sure the show was awesome. How could it not be...the cat drove around in a truck, with his best friend Bear, who was not in fact a bear, but a chimp or monkey of some sort. He was named after Bear Bryant and ugly so I was always hoping he'd be killed off, but no such luck. However BJ was cool, and did not get his nickname because of his penchant for blowing fellow drivers at truck stops...actually I don't know where the name BJ came from.

He sang his own theme song however...a jaunty number about going to New Orleans or who knows where...my favorite line was, "places new and ladies too, and the best thing about it, no properly tax!"

Haha you salty fucker BJ! I imagine he had to pay some sort of premium auto insurance, and a trucking license and gas and shit, so the lack of property tax probably wasn't all that great, but we all know what he meant when he said "ladies too". That land based sea dog was fucking all sorts of skanks all over the south west!

For some reason, jealousy perhaps, he had this one asshole cop, played by the great Ed Lauter, who was always trying to arrest him. Fuck you Ed Lauter! But he always failed cause BJ has this posse of bimbos who somehow were always in the town he happened to be driving in that episode. One of them was named Staxx, cause she had a giant set of tits. My memory of the show is pretty hazy but if even a tenth of this shit is true it was undoubtedly a great fucking show.

The Fall Guy was another old classic, featuring a stuntman/bounty hunter. Well holy fucking shit, why aren't half the shows/movies produced in this country and around the world chock full of stuntman/bounty hunters? I bet Bollywood hasn't churned out one such production! Lee Majors sang the awesome theme song, name dropping old time heroes and hos like Raquel Welch and Clint. He had a sidekick named Howie for fuck's sake! How many times have I been jumping out the window of a Mexican brothel and wishing my sidekick Howie was pulling round in the Volkswagen so we could make our getaway? Heather Thomas was involved but she only gave a hint of cleavage per 60 minute show and was grossly underutilized.

Finally I have fond memories of Tales of the Gold Monkey, or Golden Monkey, a show so hazy in my mind I wonder if in fact it even existed or is a result of dreams inspired by the exceptional turkey sandwich on pumpernickel I had for dinner. It featured an Indiana Jones rip off who travelled the world via sea plane. I don't care if you are Hindoo, Christian or Jew, that shit is fucking cool. Beats the fuck out of these endless cop, lawyer, doctor shows. Where are the cop shows that show how fat those lazy assholes get, hiding behind their unions when they shoot innocent people, and living off inflated taxpayer funded pensions?

Anyhoo this cat would travel around the globe getting into misadventures with his sidekick, who was neither a goofball named Howie or a chimp named Bear...he had a little pet dog! I don't remember the dog's name but he had a glass eye that the dude was always losing in poker games in Jakarta or Macao or cool places like that. I don't remember what was so fucking great about that dog's eye, but cutthroats the world over placed a pretty heavy price on it! Who hasn't been immersed in the Rangoon underworld a time or two, pushing your jeweled dagger in the pot in hopes of winning a dog's glass eye??

The dog always used to get pissed at the dude and give him a look with his one good eye that seemed to say, "what the fuck is your problem dude? you think just because you fly a sea plane and wear a leather jacket you're hot shit? why do you keep betting my glass eye?"

The dog looked pretty cool with an eye patch however so I don't know why he was so pissed. I think the dude helped innocents in every episode, but maybe he was just a degenerate gambler who used his sea plane to fly from brothel to brothel in the south seas, staying one step ahead of the law and three steps behind venereal disease.

Wow, did I just stumble upon my life's calling? Why didn't my guidance counselor every suggest pouring everything I owned into a house/plane/boat and to embark on travels with only a surly one eyed dog for a companion and only tawdry trysts as my goal? What the fuck was I paying that bitch for?

Enlightenment

When you have finally wised up, and pissed on your bible and rendered it unreadable, or set fire to your Koran, or took a shit all over whatever holy book the hindoo reads, you can bask for a moment in your enlightenment, but not too long, for you should quickly re-immerse yourself in the fountain of learning.

What fountain is that? The movies of course! One can learn a lot from cinema, if one pays attention, and doesn't waste his time throwing popcorn at the ticket girl, or taking handfuls of Sno-caps and firing them at every patron wearing a trilby. In fact Sno-caps aren't enough for that affront...you should be sure to spit rancid Dr. Pepper at all trilby wearers.

Cinema can teach you so much! And I'm not just talking bout porn, though you can learn a lot from that of course. ...turns out girls do like being covered in ejaculate, despite what the nuns and priests at school used to tell me.

Let's take a moment to examine a scene from the classic Just One of the Guys

A disconsolate Billy Jacoby slumps on his staircase after the fetching and ripe Sherilyn Fenn escapes his horny clutches...he looks down as his crotch and utters the immortal, "Sorry Spike."

Apologizing to his dick for failing to get it inserted inside Fenn's gash. A classy move from a horny teen. What does it teach us? Treat your cock with respect! And I don't mean just using lube and avoiding French women...I mean talking to it, letting it know you love and appreciate it, like a houseplant, or even a child...a cute one...not one of those ugly, charmless kids everyone rightfully despises.

The dude named Rabbit comes across a band name he finds ludicrous, And And And, and reacts in The Commitments.

"And And fuckin' And?"

He's incredulous! What does his simple statement of disgust convey and teach? Whenever someone says something stupid, which is most of the time, reply with immediate and withering sarcasm, and try use foul language, especially around the elderly...you really get a response that way and may even induce death.


"Who is Bond compared to Kronsteen?"

Creepy eyed Eastern European chess grandmaster considers himself superior to international spy extraordinaire James Bond in From Russia with Love. Awesome. Who the fuck is this cat? What do we know about him? He looks like a killer, not the barroom brawl break your neck with Seagal style Aikido style killer, but the slip out of the shadows and slice your throat in the dark with a dagger type. He is also pretty good at chess. In addition, he doesn't like Bond, or receiving congratulations and has a high opinion of self. Yet somehow he goes down to defeat!

Amazingly his demise is not at Bond's hand, but by the foot of a dwarfish Russian dyke, and a grizzly wizened one at that. What lesson do we take from his ignominious downfall?

Don't entrust your genius to others! Clearly he was a superior being, and devised a perfect plan, but he then made the gross error of entrusting his brilliance to lesser men and broads to carry it out. Of course they botched it.

The secret to James Bond's success is that he is a lone wolf lothario, who depends on no one but himself and his pistol. Were he to rely on teamwork a lesser man would undoubtedly fuck up and cause his death. Therefore, regard all others with contempt, and limit interactions with people to whores and deli counter employees.


"She loves me, I don't mind her."

Spike of Bensonhurst sums up his relationship with one of the mother's of one of his children ...holy shit, that fucker Sasha Mitchell teaches us so much in one throwaway line! How do you treat that special lady in your life? With disdain, and the occasional grope.

When introduced to this broad's boyfriend what does Spike say? "He's a fazool."

Wow, i don't even know what a fazool is, but I know it ain't good. What does that tell me? What do you do when introduced to her friends? Insult them immediately and try to get her away from them as fast as possible.

Other Spike tips for dating and life:

When you meet your girl's family embark on a three part plan.

1. Seduce her mother

2. Be respectful to the father, but try to evince deadly menace even during congenial encounters. Let the man know that even at a barbecue or sweet 16 party, you are always a moment away from murdering him.

3. Find some hot young Puerto Rican chick who looks like Talisa Soto, impregnate her, and let your fiance know it, just so she doesn't take you for granted.

Carrot Top's on so I can't write anymore.

Seeing Batman Gives You Aids

Sometimes I like to compare the classics...like which film handled the transition of Hong Kong from hateful British back to the Chinese better, Rush Hour or Knock Off. I know what you're thinking, "Yes! Excellent! An excuse to go watch both those great movies again!"

I'm certainly not going to dissuade anyone from time well spent, so after you do that and clean yourself off, cause you'll undoubtedly soil yourself with joy, come back and read the rest of this shit.

All done babycakes? Good for you! Now then, Rush Hour kind of skimps the transition and jumps to Los Angeles, so it kind of loses right there...my that was a quick debate!

Knock Off gives you plenty of Van Dammage, and a great closing theme song, and encapsulates thousands of years of Chinese culture and 100 years of british imperialism and misrule into a taut 90 minutes, and comes replete with Deuce Bigalow and the always welcome and angrily sexy Lela Rochon.

That's not to say the Rush Hour films are not without their charms! Sure that black dude who's name escapes me has an irritating quality with that high pitched voice and his penchant for breaking into song and dance, but there is something about an asshole cop who gives his superiors a lot of shit that appeals to me. Like Martin Lawrence in Blue Streak. Fuck yes! Belie Dat!

That reminds me, it's been months since I've watched Gang Related, which is quite simply the greatest piece of work Tupac ever produced, and I curse his assassins for depriving me of a sequel. Such is its greatness that I love it even though Miss Rochon plays a stripper who never even gets naked! Jim Belushi gives his best perf since he was the Principal...or even the high school chess coach with the hot temper.

When the lemmings are off watching the new Batman, which I am boycotting on account of Heath Ledger's split ends...jeez, super villain criminal or not, there is simply no excuse for the state of that man's hair. What kind of international superstar are you when your mane is perpetually frizzy and skanked out? A pet theory of mine...Heath will be out of Hollywood by the end of the decade on account of his hair!

What's that? He's dead?

So anyway instead of Batman, I'm going to rent Gang Related, which is better than Gone Baby Gone, which got real stupid and predictable the longer it went on, though those trashy Bostoners were always entertaining? Those fuckers sure do talk funny.

Hmm a thought just occurred to me...even though Heath has bad hair, and is dead, I bet he still looks better than Maggie Gyllenhaal. Hollywood you sly fuckers. Come out with both barrels of Bale and Nolan and try to sneak this shit by me? Lela Rochon gets a couple of crap roles before being sent out to pasture and you foist Maggie G "probably has a Unit cause she's half a man" yllenhaal on me? Let me get this straight you clowns...millionaire playboy Bruce Fucking Wayne, who's also Batman, and has some real cool shit, and looks like Xtian Bale, and probably has no problem picking up hot trim left and right....is chasing after Maggie Gyllenhaal?

really? I'm supposed to pay $10.50 and believe that? Belie dat??

I can swallow the super villains and the utility belts and all that special effects shit, but if I guzzled a gallon of detergent and became as retarded as our president I wouldn't buy that shit for a second. Oh, and Aaron Eckhardt, a big shot rising star politician, is also on Maggie's shit. Wow.

Funny cause in real life if Aaron was the manager of a Payless at some shit ass mall in Akron and hated his life, and Xtian worked in the Duncan Donuts at the food court and wanted to hang himself after every shift, and Maggie was a clerk at the Gap, those two guys would still walk past her store every day for a year and never notice her even if she waved her pussy at them from the display window.

Danny Devito wouldn't fuck her.

Whatever Hollywood, everyone knows the real talent goes into porn these days...

Where is Tamara Feldman?? She's cute and the cabal that runs Hollywood must love her surname...why the fuck isn't she getting those kind of roles?

Who am I kidding?? Every time I get mad at Hollywood Brett Ratner gives me another gem and all is forgiven!

I wonder who Kelly Hu is eating out right now?