Hard to Kill is Fraudulent

I stumbled in on baby jesus watchin tv with a needle stickin out of his arm. "Whoa Baby Jesus! Are you diabetic?"

He burped and turned up the volume. "Fuck no man, I'm givin heroin a try, cause I need something to ease the pain of watching Hard to Kill, easily the retardedest of the Seagal movies."

I wondered what was more ridiculous, Baby Jesus shooting heroin or him using a word like retardedest, which I was pretty sure was a made up word.

"I can't believe you do heroin."

He cut me off..."Don't start fuckhead. I created everything on this planet. The Grand Canyon, the Grand Caymans, cancer. So cut me some slack if I like to relax sometimes with a little H."

"Is retardedest a word?"

"You epitomize retardedest. But check this shit out, Seagal is watching corrupt scum Bill Sadler on tv uttering his catch phrase, "you can take that to the bank", and he says to himself, the man is talking to himself!, "I'll take you to the bank...the blood bank." He's alone in the room but such is his hatred he says that aloud! So I'm thinking we are going to see a premium ass kicking and blood letting later, but instead he let's him get arrested!"

"I would have thought you would have approved of him eschewing vigilante violence and entrusting the court system."

Baby Jesus stabbed me with his needle, which I didn't find very Christian. "Ow! Baby Jesus."

"The court system? Do I turn to Steven Fucking Seagal to see due process in action? Get the fuck outta here man. I want immediate justice, like my daddy used to do in the old testament. You disobey him you die, or maybe he kills your firstborn son and let's you slide, but none of this court bullshit."

I pulled the needle from my thigh. "You may have a point Baby Jesus."

"Of course I gotta fucking point I'm goddamn Jesus you asshole. You know what being perfect means? It means you don't make any fucking mistakes and you know everything."

He hit me in the face with a fistful of Cheetos. "Let me tell you what happens to Sadler since Seagal turned puss and didn't take him to the blood bank. He gets his high powered fancy pants attorneys and criminal connections to subvert the process, bribe a juror here, cop a plea there, drag it out and the next thing you know he's doing two years max at a Club Fed. Then he walks, his cash still sittin pretty in Switzerland and a bevy of gold diggin whores waiting for him in his still bubbling hot tub. Does that sound like a blood bank to you?"

"Sounds pretty sweet Baby J."

"Exactly. And what do you think happens to Storm? Marries that bumbling swine LeBrock, divorced within 3 years, in California so she takes half his shit...all that cool Asian shit he's accumulated too, and his inflated pension. He takes up the booze just in time, cause that fey son of his rejects his entreaties to become an Aikido master and instead studies dance at UCLA before prancing right out of the closet. He starts to envy his dead partner as he sits alone and drunk, bloated and consumed with regret, beer stains all over his kimono."

"Lesson learned Jesus. You get the chance for vigilante justice you take it."

Baby Jesus extended his cute little pudgy fist for his patented bump. "You got it brother. And don't marry dopey broads."

Michelle Malkin Super Genius

So I'm watching the View...cause those dames got cinema quality moxie and nothing goes better with my morning Yoplait than a steady diet of sense with a heaping portion of sassy on the side!

Michelle Malkin, this century's Jane Pratt, was on, talking about Obama not delivering his hope and change as promised, and it got me to thinking about LEADERSHIP.

The View always gets me asking questions each and every day and I turn to film for the answers.

Where is the audacity of hope and the sexiness of change Obama promised? How can we get away from the stale old cronyism of this and administrations past? By embracing a new type of leader, as exemplified by David Patrick Kelly in the Warriors.

There were a lot of different examples of leadership in, dare I say it, the best movie ever made that starts with W. Who should we take as our exemplar? Which man exhibited the qualities that we should look for in a leader, who will lead us to glory, or at least make us fend off the Canadian menace.

Some will point to Swann...but pretty boys make horrendous leaders, cause how can they deal with the myriad of problemos our nation faces if they spend all day gazing in the mirror? Right George Bush?? We sure don't need intellectuals if office neither. If only Georgie wasn't such a voracious reader! Those bookniks need to quit with their heavy thinkin and do some heavy liftin! Lol.

Where was I?

Creon...he was imposing, he exuded strength...he died in the first 5 minutes. No thanks.

Ajax! There was a man of action. He got results. But testosterone fueled he-men have the fatal flaw...their fervent ball sacs. Handcuffed to a bench by a dame! Is that the future we want for this land of ours? If we had elected John McCain, Costa Rica, with her flowing lock like shore lines and comely buxom hills would have beguiled us and then handcuffed us to the bench that is Central American strife and discord, and it would be only a matter of time before we were waiting to be processed by the Nicaraguan police.

Therefore I suggest we elect a true psychopath. Without David Patrick Kelley's psychotic act of shooting Cyrus and blaming the Warriors, we probably would have witnessed a simple mass gang meeting, and then a gradual dispersal to the subways and an uneventful train ride home. Would that have made for a good movie?

DPK wasn't physically imposing, in fact he was kind of small. He certainly didn't look very strong, and not only was he not handsome, he looked a little like a greasy weasel, and I just know we all cheered when Matrix through him off that mountain in Commando. "I lied." Haha...go get 'em Matrix!

But DPK had something that made people follow him! He had a charisma and vision that caused the whole city to explode in an orgy of fancy costumed violence. Do you think the Lizzies would have embraced female empowerment had DPK not set the wheel in motion? Would Deborah Van Valkenburgh have left the Orphans for the glamorous life of walking through subway tunnels without his bold act of leadership? Would the Orphans have finally asserted themselves?

Of course not. And when DPK was asked, "Why did you do it? Why did you kill Cyrus?", he gave us the secret to his power. "No reason. I just like doing things like that."

Do you wonder if his gang members were thinking, "What the fuck? You mean there is no financial gain to this? What kind of plan is that? Why are we following this guy?? Who made this insane little runt leader?"

Hell no. The man paid for the candy bar when the girl at the newsstand asked, "Who's gonna pay for this?"

DPK exploded on her. "For what???" He yelled. But then he tossed her money. Leadership.

In summation...we need psychotic men with deep pockets...and guns. He had a gun too. Those are persuasive! When are those bureaucrats going to get the message? Less chit chat more shooting!

10 Harrowing War Deaths

1. Action Jackson Carl Weathers himself kicks the shit out of notorious right wing douchebag Craig T (T for Talentless) Nelson before that stupid redneck fuck is shot to death in Action Jackson. (If you don't think policing the mean streets of Detroit is war then you are fucking crazy and I don't got no time for your shit anyway)

What was harrowing about seeing a villain such as Craig T get his comeuppance? The harrowing memory of what he did to Vanity! Got her hooked on the drugs so he could have his Poltergeisty way with that Nubian angel. Rot in hell Craig T! Coach sucked!

2. "I heard two clicks!" Stupid fuck American paratrooper gets one in the gut and dies after using the little cricket noisemaking thingy in The Longest Day. Lesson learned Joe!

3. Jim Belushi cleans house and kills the aspirations of lawlessness and disrespect for authority in The Principal. (if you don't think controlling a high school in Detroit is war then you are fucking crazy...)

4. William Forsythe, right all along about that 5th column saboteur phony poseur Joe Huff/John Stone pig cop scum Brian Bosworth, is silenced before he can make the usually sensible Chains see the light, in Stone Cold.

5. Sam Neill dies...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! right after taking out the machine gun nest in a fantastically selfless and futile act of heroism in Attack Force Z (zed)

6. Bill Holden dies at the end of the pretty stupid and implausible Bridges at Toko Ri....wait a minute...Bill Holden dies at the end of Bridge on the River Kwai...after British scum Lady Alec Guiness turns traitor and whines like a little ninny girl for the Japanese to come kill him! Kill him! (Bill Holden should stay away from bridges apparently)

7. Dutch SS man takes a break from the scenic Russian countryside to vacate his bowels. Sits and dreams of tulips and chocolate perhaps when he hears the tinkling of...not pee pee...but glass! Oh my has that impish Soviet scamp tossed a potato masher grenade into the outhouse? He has! Blown up with his pants down and his ass dirty...not a good way for the smartly dressed Netherlander to go.

8. Laughing Cossack is killed by dueling Frenchmen when he simply wanted to enjoy a chuckle or two at their showdown in the Duelists.

9. Scientist and ass clown Bruce Sabbath bloody Sabbath is turned into a nerdy pulpy mess at the hands of the coldly menacing Andrew Katz in Dutch Kills.

10. George Peppard suffers engine trouble...and soon will plummet to his death in his experimental fighter as knowing German officers look on in The Blue Max. Ursula Andress smolders and somewhere, Holly Golightly looks to find a new gigolo boy toy to replace the gooey mass of Peppard that soon will splatter all across the Pomeranian plains.

Nic Cage...He's so gross

Horrible Nic Cage Movies Made Even More Atrocious by Especially Egregious Nic Cage Performances

1. The Rock...When a tourist attraction is taken over by a cutthroat mob of dumb as shit redneck marines led by the short and histrionic Ed Harris who you gonna call except a mopey looking moron with a receding hairline who brings his own special brand of hangdog stupidity to every role. Exactly. Casting one man bad acting blob Nic Cage is a sure fire way to turn an ordinary big budget shit fest into a gaping chasm of fecal celluloid, bubbling with awfulness that threatens to ooze over and consume the patience and will of any person of sense to ever sit through any movie ever again.

I can buy Ed Harris leading a bunch of idiots on some hare brained scheme to get millions through the use of insensibly placed rockets on Alcatraz, and I can certainly believe William Forsythe and Michael Biehn playing no nonsense heroes who take no shit and get results. To say nothing of Sean Connery playing a debonair man of action who combines the suave elegance of a seasoned diplomat with the killing skills of a back alley cutthroat.

What I can't buy is Nic Cage being competent, much less playing a scientist of some sort who is an expert at Toxicology. This man doesn't look like he could successfully sneeze, much less analyze the chemical composition of anything other than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich he made for dinner, and I'm sure he would somehow manage to botch that. "The jelly goes on the outside of the bread right?"

Is he cast because director's are hoping that by his connections they will be made key grip on Godfather 4?

Claire Forlani also appears, her pretty face ubiquitous and lacking in charm as usual.

2. Bangkok Dangerous...this was once exclusively the title of a charming little Thai film featuring a pretty Thai chick and lots of guys shooting one another. In Nic Cage's talentless hands it was transformed into a nonsensical mess, made all the more appalling by the stunningly bizarre and grotesque scene wherein a sweaty and awkward Cage messily eats in front of a deaf chick. The scene is completely extraneous and succeeds only in making the audience wince in horror at the staggering depth of Cage's hideousness.

3. The Family Man...would not any family with Cage at the head one day resort to collective suicide? I expected this film to be about 5 minutes long, with the opening scene establishing Cage as the head of household, followed by a quick cut of the mother/wife spooning cyanide into the kid's Kool-Aid before hanging herself in a desperate attempt at deliverance from daddy droopy. Instead it was a Frank Capra esque fantasy, with Cage standing in for Jimmy Stewart, and the audience standing in for execution victims. Unfortunately we were not graced with a quick bullet to the back of the head, but had to instead endure 90 minutes of visual strangulation, watching that sad faced human suck putrefy before us.

On the bright side I've come to the realization that sensibly enough I have managed to avoid the vast majority of that walking stain's movies, and will waste no further time highligting his cinematic atrocities. Kal-El is a stupid name for a kid too.

Great war movie moments featuring Mel Gibson, anti-semite extraordinaire:

A drunken Mel stated that the jews cause all the wars...in vino veritas?

Let's study his oeuvre, (and no that does not mean his cheekbones ladies! LOL LMFAO ROFL LSILSO (leaking shit i'm laughing so hard)...where was I? Oh yes, do his war films bear evidence of international jewry being the impetus behind all global conflict? Let's find out!

Attack Force Z (zed) La Gibson leads a commando unit, with Sam Neill along and wearing a cool hat, on a suicide mission to nab some diplomat (i.e. pussy), who they think could end the war...or some shit...Gibson and crew have to instantly dispatch one of their own after he breaks his leg playing soccer or something. Neill handles the duty with dignity, offering the hapless sap a little small talk and a cigarette before the burst from his submachine gun silences the trooper forever. They nab the diplomat with the help of some subterfuge and a little kung fu, but ultimately the entire commando force is wiped out, and Gibson himself sails into the sunset in anguish, the diplomat lying dead in the boat beside him.

What does this tell us about his theory on the jew? This was an early film from his unbiased youth and largely jew free, though the diplomat is an intellectual and looks like he has some money so perhaps La Gibson was saying, "try to help the jew and all your men will die".

In another scene the Dutch soldier of fortune eschews the chance to flee to freedom and instead stays behind to help Chinese villagers fight off the rampaging Japanese. His pretty Chinese concubine thus watches him die alongside her father as the menfolk are wiped out and the soldiers of the sun move on to the sea in pursuit of the fleeing Aussie commandos.

Jewish element in this scene is negligible, but their may be a sly comment on the wiles of the Chinese femme fatale.

Let us consider another Gibson war extravaganza shall we dear reader? Apocalypto...Jaguar Paw and his band of merry natives are wiped out by some especially vicious tattooed Mayan warriors. There doesn't seem to be much of a Jewish element in this flickity poo at all, although some Eurotrash do show up at the end, but they bear crosses and seem intent on bringing Christianity to the heathen, in addition to death and disease. Is Gibson blaming Jesus, a known Jew? It seems unlikely.

The Patriot...I'd rather not think about this little flick as it was rather terrible...and there is no overt Jewish element killing Heath Ledger.

Star Wars...intergalactic swashbuckler extraordinaire Han Solo gets into a heap of a mess chasing after unattractive jewess Carrie Fisher. This inexplicable pursuit of a rather plain dame doesn't seem to be the catalyst for interstellar conflict however, and La Gibson was in no way involved in the making of it. Thus we can dismiss it as evidence.

We'll pursue this fascinating look into La Gibson and his demons another time...let's review some films I haven't wasted my time seeing cause they are obviously horrendous shall we not?

Imagine That...I'd sooner imagine my body racked with diarrhea of the syphillis than watch this obvious piece of trash. Tranny hooker chasin Eddie Murphy makes a kiddie flick about stock picks with his inimitable brand of insipid wash up hackness. I imagine my own death by non-consensual buggery would be less painful. Don't plan on seeing it.

My Life in Ruins...Note to Hollywood...no fat chix. Wait a minute you mean I have the opportunity to pay money to sit in the dark for 2 hours and watch some hefty Greek broad bray on about feta cheese and octopus? Hold on I have to finish stabbing myself in the scrotum first. Don't plan on seein it.

Star Trek...for the love of god when do these space nerds die once and for all? Let me guess there's a laser beam of some sort and some intergalactic jerkwad sassin Kirk and blah blah blah...I don't buy John Cho kicking ass either. He's dynamite but a little fey. Don't plan on seein it, not even for 99 cents.

Why It Don't Pay 2 B Gorgeous

Why It Don't Pay to Be Gorgeous

People always said to me when I was a wee lad, and adorable, "OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO CUTE!! YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE SO DREAMY SCRUMPTIOUS!"

Should I have been spending so much time hanging around priests? Probably not, but then again they had the best candy and I had a sweet tooth. When not scarfing down sweet things and fending off greasy wine soaked hands I watched a lot of cinema, and I learned that it just don't pay to be so beautiful.

Exhibit A. Jan Michael Vincent...one of the more gorgeous hunks of gorgeosity ever to explode upon the screen. From his turn as surf god in Big Wednesday, to apprentice hitman in the Mechanic, this cat made broads drool and gay boys prance. Then he got into drugs and turned into Nick Nolte. Gross. He would have been better served looking like Ned Beatty his whole life.

B. Mickey Rourke...chicks loved this bad boy of 80's cinema. He had a reckless sex appeal not seen since Fatty Arbuckle went crazy at the ice machine. Was it the drugs? The booze? The boxing? Who gives a shit he's gross.

C. Eric Roberts...prettier than Julia and more talented too...something went wrong with this prick.

D. Michael Pare...just kidding...still gorgeous.

E. Brian Bosworth...what the fuck Boz?

F. Jean Claude Van Dammage...apparently being a total fucking idiot isn't always bliss. This Belgian nutsack pissed away a solid career making shit ass B films to do what? I have no fucking idea.

G. Val Kilmer...from Real Genius to Top Gun to Tombstone...this fucker looked a little retarded but still had the razzmatazz and sex appeal that made chix gush...then he became a fatty boombalatty and started playing queers.

H. Sasha Mitchell...I can't believe it. Half Irish, where he gets his good looks, this man could also kick ass. Apparently looks, fame and wealth weren't enough for all the preceding douchebags and they have all fallen on hard times.

Perhaps in order to enjoy sustained happiness it's better to be ugly and talentless...right Tom Hanks? OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH feel the burn Hanks!

Baby Jesus Watches Dick Cheney

Baby Jesus and me were watching TV when he pulled his little perfect penis out and streamed a nice arch of piss right onto the screen

"it's rainin' on the desperate housewives!" he cackled.

I just shook my head cause sometimes baby Jesus was really juvenile.

He flipped the channel and there was Dick Cheney. Dick always got baby Jesus' diaper in a bunch and so I knew the torrent of invective was coming. "Motherfucker!"

His pacifier bounced off the piss covered TV after he hurled it. "I can't believe I created a world that let's this guy hang around for 70 years. I should have let some dinosaurs live long enough to eat this fucker."

"I thought you loved dick?" I deadpanned.

Baby Jesus hit me with an empty Pringles can. "Don't get cute with the gay jokes fucker. This Dick really burns my perfect little balls. Motherfucker never served a day and acts like a tough guy? Didn't shoot one VC, but shoots some old fucker in the face? That makes you hard you old cock?"

"Maybe he's a Shakespeare fan...first we kill all the lawyers and that crap."

Baby Jesus put on a fresh diaper. "Just seeing that guy makes me feel dirty. I bet when he read 1984 he wasn't sure who to root for. Then he probably thought, 'This O'Brien guy has a sweet gig. He's in control. Probably eats well. Maybe Winston Smith should stop fucking whining and deal with it.' Society is real nice if you're on the right side, even if the other 99% are fucked."

I started looking for more Pringles as Baby Jesus threw his origami zeppelin at the screen. "Go catch Osama already you old asshole! Mothefucker takes how many vacations in 7 years after that attack? Shit if that happened on my watch I wouldn't have rested a day! Not one fucking day! I would have worked tirelessly to bring Osama to justice, and not gone off huntin' and fishin' and dickin' around in jerkwaters like Wyoming and Texas."

I tossed a full bag of Doritos and hit Baby Jesus flush on his head. "Bullseye! Hey wait a minute...didn't this happen on your watch? You did create this whole world and everything in it didn't you? Or your dad did, who you are, or whatever."

"Motherfucker I made little bitty insects and rainbows and sea horses and shit...you think I got the time or the inclination to keep tabs on everything I created?"

"Well if I was perfect I would have done a better job is all I'm sayin."

Baby Jesus popped open the Doritos and gave me the finger. Pudgy little finger! "Shut the fuck up. Family Ties is on ...you want to see perfection come check out the Tom Hanks is wasted episode."

"That's kind of a perfect episode."

Baby Jesus nodded and held out his little Doritos dust covered fist for a friendly bump.

Baby Jesus On Twitter

Baby Jesus was drinkin some Fanta and throwing corn chips at the tv when I asked him about Twitter.

"Hey Baby Jesus, you're a pretty hip baby. You getting involved with that whole Twitter thing?"

Baby Jesus belched and cast a dirty look my way.

"Do you tweet?" I persisted.

He crushed a chip in his pudgy little fist. "Don't waste my fucking time man. Can't you see I'm watchin tv?"

I chuckled. Such a grouchy baby sometimes! "So I take it you're against Twitter."

"I got news for you. 99% of people on this planet I created are boring and stupid, and should really never even fucking talk, much less bombard me or anyone else with pathetic little updates on the miserable goings on in their pathetic little lives."

"I'm gonna tweet my peeps now that you just slammed Twittering."

Baby Jesus hit me with a fistful of corn chips. "That's exactly what I'm fucking talking about! Look at me. I'm fucking fascinating. I'm goddamned Baby Jesus! Sure as shit I'm more interesting than any of the other assholes on this globe. But would even I dare to waste peoples time by punching out some asinine banality like "I'm watching tv and throwing salty snacks at a douchebag?"

"I would read that Tweet."

"You're a fucking asshole."

"That'll make a good tweet. Baby Jesus just called me an asshole."

Baby Jesus Interviews DJ AM Inexplicably

Baby Jesus Interviews DJ AM

Baby Jesus adjusts his diaper and then fixes his gaze on DJ AM:

"So DJ AM, dickish name by the way, what have you got to say for yourself?"

DJ AM shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"What do you mean?" Looks around nervously. "I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're here to be fucking interviewed. I know talking intelligently might be harder for you then pressing play and holding a headphone to your tiny head, but try and spit something halfway decent out when I waste my time and deign to talk to you. OK fuckface?"

DJ AM nods. "Uh sure. I guess."

"Look shithead, we can at least agree you're talentless, and an obvious douchebag, and yet still somehow I gave you fame and fortune.."

DJ AM interrupts Baby Jesus. "Uh what? No. Wait. Umm I'm not agreeing to that. I'm uh, not a douchebag."

"Hey, fucko. This isn't a debate. You have no talent and you're obviously a dick. You want to get into semantics about whether you're more of a dick than a douchebag, save that for Seacrest. We'll just agree you're 9/10ths an asshole and a total fucking tool. How bout that?"

DJ AM looks around uncomfortably. "I don't know if I want to do this. I mean I'm not. How did I even get here? Did my plane crash again?"

"One: fuck you. Two: I give you fame and fortune, and you parlay that into an engagement with Nicole Richie. Really asshole? I'm gonna grow up and get crucified for you fuckheads and you repay my largess and sacrifice by getting engaged to some dopey broad who weighs 75 pounds?"

"What? Not cool man? Is this heaven? That's not very nice if we're in heaven."

"Holy shit you are a clown. You think I'm gonna let your sorry ass stink up heaven? Enjoy this life Captain Cumstain, cause you ain't getting a whiff of paradise, you anorexic-fucking no talent cunthead."

"Fuck man. You got a mouth on you. Did my agent set this up?"

"Motherfucker this interview is over."

Baby Jesus Watches TV

Baby Jesus and me were watching tv when he let one rip. I waved my hand in front of my face..."Jesus Baby Jesus, that one reeks."

He flipped channels..."I regard that fart with more esteem than I do all of humanity."

I pinched my nose, which caused my retort to come out a little squeaky sounding. "That's harsh bro."

Baby Jesus bit his little baby lips. "I mean just look at this year so fucking far. 2000 plus years since I popped out and you idiots are still dicking around. What the fuck did I get up on that cross for? I turn to one channel and I see my boy Vince, the Sham Wow guy, slinging a great new product, the Slap Chop, but then I flip to the news and find out he's been arrested for pummeling some 1000 buck a night whore. I make that guy a star and he pisses it away."

"Those Miami whores can be prickly Baby Jesus."

"And those fucking clowns who were swindled by Bernie Madoff. Didn't they pay attention when I went after the money lenders? Did they think that was some kind of fucking joke? That I wouldn't have rather have been eating lamb or some shit? And now some of those losers want the government to reimburse them. Holy shit, maybe they ought to figure out how capitalism works. Sometimes you get burned assholes...especially if you're fucking greedy and stupid."

"Are you finished farting Baby Jesus? My nose is starting to hurt from all this pinching."

He checked his diaper. "Looks clean down there. Just a little stain...which is shaped like A-Rod of all things."

"That's weird Baby Jesus. I wonder if his underwear stains form the shape of your mother."

Baby Jesus gave me a real hard look after that quip, and his pudgy cheeks got all scrunched up. "As if my moms would put her image on a fucking taco or a slice of toast. I give that asshole A-Rod fame and fortune and he sticks needles in his stupid ass, and, even worse, he frosts his fucking hair! Do you think I hung on that cross for hours so some baseball playing dickface choke artist could frost his fucking hair?"

Just then a commercial for Paul Blart: Mall Cop came on and Baby Jesus told me to shut up. "I love this fucking guy. Check him out. He's fat and he's on that scooter thing you assholes made a big deal about a few years ago."

Baby Jesus Don't Like Tim Tebow

Baby Jesus and me were watching tv when I asked him why he was such a front runner.

He pulled the formula bottle from his mouth and a little of it dribbled on his chin in the cutest way. "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

I wasn't intimidated by Baby Jesus cause he has pudgy little legs and I never take fat people seriously. "Your perfect little ears deaf Baby Jesus? You're a front runner!"

"What makes you say that? Aside from being a dick I mean."

"Well how come every time I watch sports, the winning athlete thanks you? Why are you playing favorites?"

"One, you're a douchebag. Two, I don't help teams. You think I give a diaper rash about some redneck driving in a circle for 3 hours or some roided up jerk off hitting home runs?"

"You mean you don't love Tim Tebow as much as he loves you?"

Baby Jesus pulled his little perfect dick out and pissed right there on the floor. "You take a thimble full of average run of the mill piss. Not that my piss is average of course...but anyway. See that piss? That's how much I care about Tim Tebow. That stupid fucker better enjoy college, cause last time I checked slow stupid weak armed dickheads don't last very long at QB in the NFL."

"He seems rather fond of you."

"That hick didn't want to be named to the Playboy All-American team cause he thought it immoral or something? What bible did this faggot read? Where in the Gospel does it say that Baby Jesus doesn't like pussy?"

"Is it in Luke?" I offered, unhelpfully.

"I think I'm gonna make him lose next year, and afterwards I'm going to force him to say on camera, "Baby Jesus spurned me cause I act like I'm above hot chicks with big fake tits. That's why I threw 3 interceptions and fumbled twice. Cause my stupidity and arrogance is an affront to god".

"That would be one stupid dope mad crazy post game press conference baby Jesus."

He gave me a little pudgy fist bump, which he patented.